Hello. Welcome back to another episode of the Post Separation Abuse Podcast. I'm your host, Danielle Black, the principal coach of the Danielle Black coaching team. Today I'd like to talk about something that almost every protective parent experiences at some point in their post-separation journey. Intrusive thoughts and rumination. The thoughts that just won't stop. The constant mental replaying, the what ifs and if-onlies that can loop endlessly in your mind. And because we're all about being practical and solution focused at Danielle Black Coaching, I also want to give you some really practical tools for managing this, including how the STEAR response framework and affirmation practices can really help. We're also going to be talking honestly about when this crosses into territory where you need deeper professional support, such as from a GP, so your family doctor, or a psychologist, or other mental health worker. Here's what I see happening in a lot of post-separation support spaces. Someone might mention that they're having intrusive thoughts, struggling with anxiety, and immediately people will jump in with, hey, you need therapy. You should see a psychologist. And I'm not at all anti-therapy. Many of our clients are engaged with therapy as well as with coaching, and therapy can be incredibly valuable for the right person at the right time. However, I also think that we've created a culture where we tend to default to quote, everyone needs therapy without really taking time to consider one, whether therapy is actually the most helpful intervention for what that particular person is experiencing at that point in time, and two, whether it is a realistic and best use of what could be limited financial resources when many protective parents are already covering significant legal fees and also need strategic coaching support. So today we're going to talk about this honestly, when coaching and self-management tools are enough, and when you might need to escalate to professional mental health support and how to know the difference. First, it's important that we define what we're actually talking about here. What are intrusive thoughts and rumination? Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts, images or urges that pop into your mind, often suddenly and often distressing. For those of you listening, this might look like vivid mental images of your children being harmed during the other parent's time. Perhaps repeated thoughts about worst-case court outcomes, flashbacks to abusive incidents, thoughts that you've failed your children or perhaps should have left the relationship sooner, and intrusive worries about what your former partner, your co-parent, might be saying to your children. Rumination is a bit different. It's the repetitive, passive focus on problems, worries, or negative experiences without moving forward toward resolution. It's the mental loop of why did I stay so long? What if the judge doesn't believe me? Am I documenting this the right way? Maybe I should be documenting better? What if my children are turned against me? If only I'd done things differently? What if we end up in the court system? Am I going to be criticized for doing this or that? Round and round and round without arriving at any answers or action steps, just replaying the same painful thoughts. Now here's what we need to understand. Intrusive thoughts and rumination are completely normal responses to the kind of stress, trauma, and uncertainty that protective parents face. It's important that we're not pathologizing this. You're not broken, you're not going crazy. Rather, your brain is responding predictably to an unpredictable and threatening situation. But just because it's a normal response doesn't mean that you have to accept it, it doesn't mean that you have to stay stuck in it. And just because it's distressing doesn't automatically mean that you need professional therapy to manage it. Let's go into this a little bit deeper. Intrusive thoughts and rumination exist on a spectrum. On one end, you have manageable intrusive thoughts. They happen, but you can redirect your attention. They don't completely consume your day. You can still function in your daily responsibilities. You have some capacity to use self-management tools effectively. They might be distressing, but they're not debilitating. That difference, that contrast is important. On the other hand, there can be intrusive thoughts that are truly interfering with your functioning. They're constant and overwhelming. You can't redirect your attention no matter what you try. They're preventing you from sleeping, eating, working, or caring appropriately for your children. You're experiencing panic attacks, severe anxiety or dissociation alongside them. Self-management tools aren't helping. And perhaps you're even having thoughts of self-harm or suicide. Most protective parents fall somewhere in the middle of this spectrum, leaning towards the more manageable end. And for most protective parents, coaching and self-management tools are enough and are absolutely appropriate. But let's talk about both, when self-management truly works and when you need to escalate things. Just to recap from podcast episode 90, where the STEAR response framework was introduced to our community, the word STEAR is an acronym. So the letters S, T, E, E, R that stand for Situation, Thought, Emotion, Embodied State, and Result. So now for an example, we'll start with S, the situation. And when we're talking about the situation, it's important that we are limiting it to the observable facts, not our interpretation of those facts. So the situation for this example is that it's the night before a changeover with your children. They're going to be going into the care of the other parent. The thought, which we can call intrusive because of its characteristics, is what if something terrible happens to the kids this weekend? The emotion linked with that thought, intense anxiety, fear, possibly feelings of panic, your embodied state. So this is what are you feeling within your body? It's also your energy and the action that you take as a result. You may be feeling your heart racing. Your chest might feel tight, perhaps you're struggling to breathe, you might feel sick, feel nauseous. Energetically, maybe you're spiraling. Maybe you're pacing. You can't sit still. You've got all of this energy, you don't know what to do with it, you're feeling helpless, but sitting still feels intolerable. What action do you take from this? From your embodied state, from your energy? You're Googling worst case scenarios. You might be calling or texting a friend in a panic. Maybe you're composing messages to your ex. Maybe you freeze completely and can't function. Or perhaps you're pacing thoughts racing. Not able to settle on any one particular course of action. The result? You're dysregulated, you're exhausted, but you're no closer to any genuine resolution. Your nervous system's in overdrive, you may have damaged your credibility with reactive communication. Perhaps you're also burdening people that are close to you, friends and family members. Now this is not a criticism, but it is something that a lot of our clients are conscious of. It's something that a lot of our clients are aware of, that burdening of friends, that recognition that as time goes on, they've been putting more and more and more onto their friends and family members. And that's a significant reason why some people come to coaching because they realize that they're potentially harming relationships with people that are close to them with regular reactive communication. Now we can't always control whether an intrusive thought appears. Your brain's on high alert, it's going to generate threatening thoughts because that's what survival mode does. Being in survival mode is all about assessing for threat, even when there is no genuine physical risk. And you can influence what happens next. This is where the STEAR framework becomes powerful. The first step, of course, is actually noticing that there's something going on. Being aware that there's actually an intrusive thought pattern happening in that moment. Being able to notice the thought without being consumed by it. And that is a process. When you first start doing this work, you might have an intrusive thought, and that can spiral with your emotions, your embodied state, the action that you're taking or not taking, and the results that you're then seeing in your life. Noticing what's going on can be a process. Initially, when you're noticing intrusive thoughts, you might have an awareness that, hey, I think this is an intrusive thought. There may not be a bigger gap for you to actively then do something different. You still might be stuck in that intrusive thought whirlpool, so to speak. But the more that you do this work, the bigger that gap will be from intrusive thought to spiralling down the rabbit hole of the emotion, the embodied state, the action and the result that has come from the intrusive thought. When you commit to doing this work, there will come a point where you can notice the thought without being consumed by it. Where you can recognize and say to yourself, huh, that thought's back. That thought that something terrible might happen when the kids are with the other parent. My brain is generating this thought. You'll be able to recognize it as an intrusive thought, not a fact. You'll be able to recognize that this is your brain's survival mode preparing you for threat. And importantly, it is not predictive of what will actually happen. You can ask yourself whether that thought is helpful right now. Not is this thought true because honestly, nobody can answer that. There's no crystal ball. Rather you can ask is obsessing over this thought right now helping me to protect my kids or to act strategically? Usually the answer to that question is no. Then, and with support of the STEAR response framework, you have the opportunity to choose a more helpful thought. So the situation remains the same when we're doing this work. The situation is that it's still the night before a changeover when your kids are going into the care of the other parent. But instead of allowing the intrusive thought to just flow in naturally and then everything happening as though you have no control, you are instead deliberately, intentionally choosing a more helpful thought. And I'm not talking about fake positivity like choosing a thought that everything's going to be fine, but rather a thought that really does help to preserve your capacity. For example, the thought might be I can't control what happens when my children are spending time with their other parent. But I can document any concerns appropriately if they come up. Or you might choose to think, worrying about this right now is not going to prevent harm. What I can do is ensure that my children know that they can talk to me if something feels wrong. Or my brain is trying to protect me by imagining and preparing for worst-case scenarios. I can acknowledge that fear and still choose not to spiral. The emotions that then come from that intentional thought, a more helpful thought, are not going to be as intense as with our initial example of what happened with the intrusive thought. I'm not suggesting that you're immediately going to feel calm, but you're not going to feel panicked. And with your emotions being calmer, you're going to have an opportunity to work on some emotion and nervous system regulating skills and tools, which is going to then obviously regulate your embodied state. So here we're combining those two E's in steer, our emotions and our embodied state. We might do some deep breathing. We might do some gentle movement. I know for some people, and this was true for me, what didn't work for me was usually sitting still. Moving helped me. Going for a walk helped me. Even just pacing up and down. Sometimes that looked like pacing up and down while doing some breathing activities, still tuning into my body. But instead of sitting still while tuning into my body, I was walking, I was moving around, tuning into my body. I was noticing the movement, I was noticing the feeling of my feet on whatever surface it was that I was walking on. I'm not a fan of socks when I'm in the house, unless it's very, very cold. So depending on which surface I was walking on, you know, whether it's a cold tile floor, whether it was a warmer timber floor, whether it was a softer rug. Tuning into those things, getting back into my body. Sucking on some ice while doing that can help. I've also found that essential oils have been a great help on this journey. Essential oils are something that I incorporate into my daily life anyway, but adding them into the mix when I was returning back to baseline, when I was grounding myself, was really helpful. Something that I talk to clients about is choosing either a number of different essential oil scents or a blend in particular, that can then be to them what safety smells like. Because sometimes we don't really know what safety should feel like. Not initially, but if we can pick a particular scent that means something to us that really resonates with us that we can connect with on that deeper level, and I might explore this in a future podcast episode. We can choose a particular essential oil that can be for us what safety smells like and incorporate that into our tools when we're soothing our emotions in our nervous system, when we're regulating our embodied state. And it's important to do those things before we take action. Before we take action. So we're interrupting that process of spiraling. That if we're intentionally choosing a more helpful thought, that emotional spiral is likely not going to kick off at all. So we're feeling a bit calmer, we're feeling a little bit more regulated. No, we're probably not happy that our kids are going into the care of the other parent. But we're being intentional with our thoughts, we're soothing our emotions in our nervous system, we're regulating our embodied state and our energy, which then means that we can be deeply intentional with our actions. We actually then have a choice regarding our action. It's coming from a place of calm, perhaps even strategic responsiveness, as opposed to emotional reactivity. So because we're feeling calmer and more regulated and more grounded, we may then instead of responding reactively, texting a friend straight away, calling, you know, dashing off a quick email to the lawyer, rather, we might write down our thoughts or concerns in our documentation. Or we might journal. Or for those who have access to the blueprint or are connected with someone on the Danielle Black Coaching team via a coaching package, they'll have access to AI Danielle. And thank you to everyone for your patience as we're rolling this out more widely. Those people can connect with AI Danielle to further self-regulate, to have a conversation with our digital coach AI Danielle about the situation, about their concerns. If you do choose to reach out to a grounding support person from that karma state, it's not going to be a person who would fuel the spiral. The tone, the wording of your message is likely going to be very different, and you might decide not to reach out to that person at all. And this is where doing this work can be so incredibly protective for those important relationships that you have, where you're not going to be stuck in the cycle of overburdening the people who are in your support network. You might also choose an affirmation practice, listen to an affirmation recording. There's a free affirmation recording in our resources on the website, Danielblackcoaching.com.au. You just simply need to go to the resources section in the main menu and then scroll to free resources, that's where you'll find it. There's also a series of affirmations in module 16 in the blueprint. And from there you might simply be able to return to a task to go about your day to move in your World with much greater agency and autonomy. Now, none of this makes the intrusive thought disappear. But it does prevent the intrusive thought from hijacking your entire nervous system, taking over your day, and creating results that are frankly not desirable. You're less likely to be bombarding friends and family. You're less likely to be making a nuisance of yourself with your lawyer. Let me tell you, lawyers don't like receiving emotionally reactive emails one after the other after the other after the other. This is why so many lawyers rejoice when their clients tell them that they're working with a coach. Over time, with practice, you get better at noticing intrusive and unhelpful thoughts. You get better at redirecting, you get better at using that steer framework. Remember the situation is staying the same. But you're interrupting the spiral and the cycle by intentionally choosing a more helpful thought, which then leads to better feeling, more helpful emotions, a calmer embodied state that you're then able to assist even further with regulation tools and techniques. And this means that the results that you see in your world are then different. Over time the intrusive thoughts become less frequent, less intense, and less consuming. So how do affirmations help? Well now we're going to talk a little bit more deeply about rumination. Affirmations can work particularly well for rumination because rumination is essentially your brain stuck in a repetitive thought loop. And remember what we know from episode 90, also from lesson four in module 16 in the blueprint, neuroplasticity strengthens whatever is repeated. So if you're repeating, why didn't I leave sooner? Or I'm failing my children, or I'm terrified of court, or what if nobody believes me? Any of those things or anything else, potentially hundreds of times a day, which is very, very possible because the average adult has somewhere in the vicinity of sixty thousand to ninety thousand thoughts per day. Very, very possible that you may be having thoughts that fall under that rumination heading hundreds of times a day, maybe more. The reality is that you are strengthening that neural pathway. Affirmations give your brain an alternative pathway to strengthen instead. We can use affirmations as a way to interrupt the rumination pattern. So when we notice that we're ruminating, you know, looping the same thoughts without any resolution, that's our cue to notice, to pause and to intentionally redirect, to put on an affirmation audio, to listen actively. And listening actively means that you are repeating the affirmations after me on that recording and really trying to get into the spirit of feeling it as well. Let the affirmation audio, the listening and the repeating, let that interrupt the rumination loop. You can also choose your own affirmations that directly counter the themes of your rumination. So if you're ruminating about the past, the affirmation that you might choose could be something like, I did the best that I could with the knowledge and resources I had at the time. I'm learning and I'm moving forward. If you ruminate about whether or not you'll be believed, you might create an affirmation like I can speak my truth clearly. I cannot control whether I'm believed, but I can control my communication. If you ruminate about your children, you might create an affirmation like, I am building the capacity to advocate for my children. I cannot control every outcome, but I can influence how I show up. The key with this is making it a daily practice, not just when you're in crisis. It's not about only using affirmations to talk yourself out of a panic spiral, even though they can be helpful in the moment, but rather the goal is to strengthen those alternative neural pathways so that your brain eventually has somewhere else to default to. This does get easier over time. After regular daily practice, this is going to become your brain's default, the new default. Daily affirmation practice, even just five minutes a day, creates those alternative neural pathways, those alternative routes. So when intrusive thoughts or rumination start, your brain can then have a much more effective, helpful, well-worn pathway toward agency and capacity as opposed towards increased fear and helplessness. Where this gets really powerful is when we're pairing affirmations with regulation practices. You can listen to your affirmations while walking, while doing gentle movement, while deep breathing. This can help your nervous system to associate the affirmations with your regulated baseline state. And just like with the other work that we spoke about in terms of soothing our emotions in our nervous system, you can also incorporate essential oils to your affirmation practice as well. To the point that over time, even just the scent of a particular essential oil in and of itself can become a cue for regulation. What about when managing this yourself isn't enough? The reality is that many of you listening may currently be engaged with professional support, or maybe you're not connected with professional support, but you really need to be. And it's important that we are just incredibly transparent and honest here. There are absolutely times when coaching and self-management and self-coaching tools just simply are not enough. And connecting with your family doctor, getting a mental health plan organized, getting a referral to a psychologist or other therapist is absolutely the right call. And here are some signs to be on the lookout for. Again, that's a trauma response that does need the oversight of a mental health professional. This next little part of the conversation may be triggering. I'll give you the opportunity to press pause or to turn off now. If you are having thoughts that you would be better off not alive or thoughts of harming yourself, you need to speak with a GP or psychologist immediately. This is not something to manage on your own, and this is not something that coaching can address. This is a mental health crisis that needs professional intervention. In Australia you can also call Lifeline on 13114 or Beyond Blue on 13002 4636 for immediate support. Again, the number for Lifeline is 13114 and for Beyond Blue 130024636. Also relevant here is if you have a pre-existing diagnosis of PTSD complex PTSD bipolar disorder or other diagnosed condition, you are very likely going to need ongoing professional support alongside coaching. These really are not either-or situations. It's completely appropriate to have both a psychologist and a coach because they serve different functions. Many of our clients at Danielle Black Coaching are connected with both a therapist and a coach. If anything that I just mentioned applies to you, a great starting point can be reaching out to your GP, your family doctor. A GP can help you to assess what's happening, provide a mental health care plan in Australia. This can then give you access to a certain number of mental health sessions that are Medicare rebated. So the professional, either the psychologist or a mental health social worker, they do need to have a Medicare provider number for you to have that Medicare rebate. And a mental health care plan is needed for that, and that's what the GP can assist you with. A GP can also refer you to an appropriate psychologist or other professional. It is possible for you to go into the GP having done your research and request a referral to a particular professional of your choice. Your doctor can also help you to consider whether medication might be helpful in the short term and to rule out any other issues, such as physical health issues, that might be contributing to symptoms. I also really want to say that acknowledging that you need deeper support is not weakness. It's so incredibly important that you have the support that you need on this journey, and it's appropriate when that includes a team of professionals. Now, a large number of protective parents do not need therapy. For most protective parents, what they're experiencing is actually just a very normal response to what is quite frankly an abnormal, fucked up situation. You're dealing with chronic stress, ongoing post-separation abuse, the stress of the system, potential systems abuse, legal systems abuse, uncertainty about your children's safety, financial pressure, perhaps also financial abuse, isolation, of course your nervous system is going to be activated. Of course you are going to have intrusive thoughts. Of course you are going to ruminate. But if you're still functioning in your daily life, even if some days are a little bit harder than others, if you're able to care for yourself and your children, if you're able to work again, even if some days it feels a little bit harder than others, if you're more or less able to utilize self-management, self-support tools with some gradually building success, and importantly, if you're not experiencing those other bigger red flags that I just mentioned, then coaching and self-management tools are likely going to be sufficient and appropriate for you. And honestly, may actually end up being far more helpful and solution focused than general talk therapy in many cases. And this leads us to a really important reality, which is that most therapists, counsellors, and psychologists do not understand family law. Many don't understand family violence and post-separation abuse. They don't understand the family court system. They don't understand protective parenting in high conflict contexts, or protective parenting behavior that is defensible if you are in the court system or might end up there. And that's been incredibly disappointing for many people that have connected with us here at Danielle Black Coaching because they have ended up spending$200 plus per session talking to the therapist or the psychologist about their situation, only to be met with generic anxiety management advice that really doesn't account for the fact that their anxiety is, number one, a very reasonable response to a genuinely threatening situation. Number two, can even pathologize fear responses, or in some cases have even recommended co-parenting more cooperatively without understanding the dynamics of coercive control. It is a big mistake to assume that a mental health professional understands coercive control in a post-separation context. I've had clients come to me after spending tens of thousands of dollars on therapy with psychologists who ultimately made things worse because they didn't understand the nuance or the context. Whereas coaching, particularly trauma-informed coaching, that also brings with it a very deep nuanced understanding of post-separation abuse and family law systems, that can address the specific thought patterns that are keeping you stuck, strategic preparation for system interactions, building knowledge and understanding, growing capacity to enable you to then utilise that knowledge and understanding in a way that leads to effective, sustainable advocacy. Our coaching can also help to reframe your survival-based identity, which is one of honestly the most joyful aspects of this work. When we really get to share that path with our clients and see them truly coming into their own, developing identities that we're always there, but we're overshadowed by the need for survival, the need to be scanning for threat. It's incredible to see clients really spread their wings, embrace their life, step into their life more fully, to just get comfortable with taking up more space in the world. So many of our clients have been tapped on the shoulder for promotions at work. They've started new jobs, they've started healthy relationships, just all the things, all the things that we see when our clients are working with us and as part of that work, reframing their survival-based identity. And we also offer practical tools for your actual circumstances. Now, none of this is to say that therapy in and of itself has no value. Again, for the right person at the right time, with the right therapist, it can be incredibly transformative and necessary. However, it's not the automatic answer for everyone who's struggling with the post-separation journey. And I think this is where we can also have a really honest conversation about money. Because that matters, that's just a practical reality of life. So let's just say, as an example, that you have$2,000 to spend right now. Well, here's the reality. You could spend it on however many sessions with a psychologist who may or may not understand your situation, who may or may not understand family violence, who may or may not understand coercive control, who likely doesn't understand family law, the family law system, the court system, or you could spend it on strategic coaching that helps you to prepare for whatever is coming next for you, whether you're in early separation and needing to get clear on what the age and developmentally appropriate parenting arrangements for your children are. Again, my team and I are very skilled at working with parents to create parenting plan arrangements that are defensible if they do end up in the court system. We help our clients prepare for things like mediation and for other court interactions. There's also the post-separation parenting blueprints that gives comprehensive evidence-based tools that you can access repeatedly, along with generally growing your knowledge about all things post-separation parenting and your capacity so that you can advocate powerfully and sustainably for your children ongoing, which frankly is important no matter whether you are in the court system, whether you're ever in the court system for parenting or financial matters or not, you're still going to be needed to advocate for your kids. For most protective parents, the latter option, the strategic coaching option, that is going to create far more meaningful, sustainable, long-term change in your actual outcome. Now, again, if you're experiencing the red flags that we mentioned earlier, if you're genuinely not functioning, if you are in crisis, then absolutely mental health support must be the priority. However, if you are experiencing normal stress responses to what is an abnormal situation, but you are more or less functioning well, strategic coaching, in which we also cover evidence-based self-management tools, that may very well be a much better investment. Because not everyone needs therapy. Many people need support, but therapy is not the only form of support, and for many people it's actually not the most appropriate form. So let's go over again some practical steps for managing intrusive thoughts and rumination. Step one start. With self-management tools. Practice the STEAR response framework daily. Use affirmations daily. Implement nervous system regulation practices. And give this a genuine effort for at least four to six weeks. This is an invitation from me to you to really give this a red hot go. I firmly believe that you will reap the rewards. How do I know? Because this is what I did on my journey. I am a product of my process. And I'm not a unicorn. There's no special source that I have that you don't have. There's no reason why you can't do this work. Again, as long as you're not currently deep in crisis. For those who have access to the blueprint, you have access to some printables regarding the steer response framework that can help you work through it in a more guided way if that's what you'd like. That's in the bonus resource section in module 16. Also in the bonus resources in module 16, so the growing your capacity module, are several affirmation recordings. Now you might like to create your own recordings in your voice memo app on your phone, or you simply might like to write them out and just say them. But a lot of clients are finding the MP3 recordings of My Voice, just in case you're wanting my voice in your ears while you're doing these affirmations. A lot of clients are finding that really helpful. Again, that's in the bonus resources in module 16 in the blueprint. And there is also a free mini affirmation MP3 download in the free resources on the website. So that's the self-management tools. The second step to this is to be tracking your symptoms. So again, I'm inviting you to give the work of using the steer response framework and the affirmations consistently for at least four to six weeks. But alongside that, I invite you to notice as the days and the weeks go on, are the intrusive thoughts becoming less frequent? Are they less intense? Are they easier to redirect? Is the rumination decreasing? Are you sleeping better? Are you functioning better? If yes, that's a great sign that you are on the right track. Step three with this process is about assessing whether or not you need deeper professional support. So if after four to six weeks of consistent daily practice, if you're still experiencing constant overwhelming intrusive thoughts, significant impairment in functioning, panic attacks, any of those red flags, please do reach out to your family doctor. Please do consider chatting with them about a mental health plan. Mental health plans are specific obviously to listeners in Australia, but I'm sure that there are relevant counterparts in other countries. Linked with that, what I would say is I don't recommend doing therapy and coaching for the same issue unless really, really necessary. So if you do need therapy, it's important to be clear and intentional about what you're working on in therapy versus what you're working on in coaching. Therapy might be about addressing trauma processing or a diagnosed mental health condition. Coaching, on the other hand, addresses strategic advocacy, thought patterns specific to your case, building capacity so that you can be engaging, either whether with your co-parent or with the family law system. Therapy and coaching can absolutely complement each other, but it really doesn't make a lot of sense to be paying two professionals to work on the same thing, and can create further confusion, again, because psychologists often don't have a great understanding of post-separation parenting full stop. They often don't have a great understanding of the nuances of post-separation abuse, including ongoing coercive control. They often don't have a great understanding of family law and the family court system. So if you're talking to your therapist and getting in-depth recommendations from them about those things, it's unsurprising that you might be getting recommendations or support from them that could be in direct contradiction to the strategic support that you're getting from your coach. And this leads us into being honest with yourself about what you really need. Not what other people say that you need, not what the Facebook support group people say that you need, not what your worried mum says that you need. What you actually need right now to function better and to advocate more effectively. And as we've covered, sometimes that's therapy, but often it's coaching and self-management tools. Sometimes it's also targeted legal advice. Sometimes it's rest and space. It's important that we be honest with ourselves, that we're also doing what we can to be strategic and that we're spending our resources wisely. Not just financial resources, but also emotional, energetic, time resources. All of that is relevant. That's also what coaching can help with to help you to better direct all of your resources in ways that are going to assist you to optimize your overall outcome without burning yourself out. Now I want to share something that really changed how I think about rumination. And it might change how you think about it as well. Something that a lot of people don't realise or perhaps spend much time thinking about, unlike me. I know I'm probably not like most people when it comes to what I ponder. But I think what a lot of people don't realise is that all the mental energy that we can spend ruminating, that energy doesn't just disappear when you try to, you know, quote unquote, stop ruminating. Because energy doesn't really work that way. Let's think about it. For example, during your relationship or in the ongoing post-separation abuse that you might still be experiencing, your brain has likely spent enormous amounts of time and energy scanning for threat, assessing the other person's behavior, monitoring for signs of escalation, analyzing what you said or did wrong, trying to predict what's going to happen next, looking for safety cues. And most of that really was not optional. It was about survival. That was your brain doing the essential work that was needed to keep you safe. But the thing is that that mental energy, that capacity for deep analysis, the ability to notice patterns and assess behavior, often not occurring consciously, that doesn't just vanish when you leave the relationship or when the immediate threat reduces. It's still there, you know, that mental energy is still there and it needs somewhere to go. So without conscious intention and discernment about where to direct it, that energy can then default to intrusive thoughts and rumination. So why did I stay so long? What if they manipulate the kids against me? What are they saying to the kids behind my back? It's not fair, they're the fun parent. I should be doing things differently. What if people don't believe me? Round and round. You see how those things just sort of float out of my mouth without me having to stop and think about it? Yeah, it's because I've thought all those things as well. I know what it's like to ruminate. I was the ruminating queen once upon a time. That same analytical capacity that once kept you safe is now keeping you stuck. But this is the important thing to understand. That same energy, that same mental capacity that can become the fuel for your transformation. So instead of analyzing the past endlessly, you can direct that energy towards building new thought patterns, deepening your knowledge and understanding about what your children need for their specific age, developmental stage, even adult kids. I'm segueing a little bit here, but we have a lot of clients come to us and want to know whether or not they can still work with us because they do have children with their former partner, but they're kids that are either, you know, in their teens or adults, and so not going to be the subject of, you know, big disputes regarding parenting. But nevertheless, these kids are often still caught in the middle. There's modules about this in the blueprint. There's modules about how separation impacts adult kids for a very good reason. And that's because older teens and adult children are still absolutely impacted by the separation of their parents. So when I talk about levelling up knowledge about what your kids need, yes, of course that's very, very relevant when we're talking about younger children that are potentially going to be part of the dispute in terms of the parenting arrangements. But developing your understanding about what's going on for your kids is also relevant when they're not going to be the subject of court proceedings. When you're not going to be in a battle about who they're living with and how often they're living there. You can also be directing energy toward strengthening and growing your capacity. This is a key part that is often missed by so many professionals working in the post-separation space. I know you've heard me talk about it before, but without the capacity, whether or not we want to advocate is kind of not even the point. You know, without the capacity, we often just simply are not going to have the ability to speak up to our lawyer or to our barrister or to the mediator, or hold the line with our co-parent and their demands. Or sustain that because you know what, if you're in the court system or you, you know, might be going to end up there, you'll be there potentially for years, depending on the willingness of your co-parent to be a reasonable child focused human. And as I've said in other episodes, so many of our co-parents are seeking what they believe that they are entitled to, which is equal shared parenting time. So what they see is fair and equitable for adults as opposed to what's actually age and developmentally appropriate for children. And the way that you avoid that parenting arrangement is by holding the line and consistently saying I don't fucking think so, mate. Not on my watch because you are the last line of defense. And again, as I've said in another episode, how likely is equal shared parenting time as a final outcome? Very fucking likely if you agree to it. And you might be sitting here thinking, Danielle, I'd never agree to it. Or you may be sitting there thinking, yeah, that was me, I agreed to it. And this is absolutely no criticism for the parents who have agreed to it, because that was me. Anyone who has listened to the episode about my story will know that I was pressured into agreeing to inappropriate equal shared parenting time arrangements. Those arrangements harmed my son. It's one of the reasons why I'm so passionate about this work. And those arrangements likely would never have been ordered if I had had the capacity to hold firm and to say no. To hold firm and to say I don't fucking think so. Not on my watch. You may or may not be surprised to learn that so many parents come to me after having already agreed to equal shared parenting arrangements, oftentimes soon after separation, when they're feeling very, very vulnerable, when they're feeling very frightened. Again, this is something that I understand deeply because it's also my story. That was me. And we can develop our capacity. When we're using that same mental energy, the mental energy that was once keeping us safe, we can direct that towards building those new thought patterns to building our knowledge and our understanding of what our kids need, of what we need post separation, of strengthening, of growing our capacity so that we frankly just become cast iron badass bitches who are prepared to stand up hands on hips and say no, I don't fucking think so. If you want 50-50, you've got to come through me, and good fucking luck, because I've redirected my mental energy towards leveling up my capacity. This work is about creating the version of yourself that you want to become, that you want to become, that you deserve to become, and that your children need you to become so that you can hold that line because you are the last line of defense. The energy is the same, the direction is different, and when you consciously direct that mental energy toward transformation, towards learning, growing, building capacity, something amazing happens. The rumination naturally reduces. Not because you are forcing it to stop, not because you're white knuckling your way through some kind of toxic positive thinking, but because you genuinely do not have time or space for that shit anymore. Your brain is busy doing something else. Something more productive, something that actually serves you. You're using that analytical capacity to notice your thought patterns and to consciously choose better ones. You're using that pattern recognition ability to identify what triggers you and develop strategic responses. You're using that deep thinking tendency to plan, prepare, to build the internal foundation for effective sustainable advocacy. Same energy, very different direction. And over time, you don't just manage the rumination. You really do outgrow it. You simply become a different person. Your identity completely shifts. You become a version of yourself whose brain defaults to agency instead of helplessness. You become a version of yourself whose mental energy goes towards building, growing, sustaining capacity instead of replaying the past or trying to predict the future. You become a version of you who has filled that space with new thought habits, new identity beliefs, new ways of being. The rumination just doesn't fit with who you are anymore. There's no room for it. Not because you've eliminated it through force, but because you've transformed the energy that was feeding it into something that serves your future instead of keeping you stuck in your past. And this is what I mean when I talk about intentional transformation. You are not broken. You are not failing if you're currently stuck with cycles of intrusive thoughts and rumination. You are experiencing what happens when survival level mental energy has nowhere productive to go. But when you give it direction, when you use the steer response framework, when you practice affirmations, when you work on building and growing capacity, shifting your identity, that mental energy finds a new home. And you become someone who just does not ruminate anymore. Not because rumination was forcibly removed, but because you've become someone for whom rumination is just no longer relevant. You've moved on. You've literally moved into a new version of yourself. And it's not just possible, with consistent practice and intentional direction, it truly is inevitable. In wrapping up today's episode, I want to share again that intrusive thoughts and rumination are incredibly common in the post-separation journey. They're distressing, they're exhausting, they're overwhelming. But this is what I want you to take away. That mental energy that you're currently spending on rumination, on intrusive thinking cycles, it's not a character flaw. It's survival level, analytical mental capacity that once kept you safe. And it can become the rocket fuel for your transformation. For most protective parents, intrusive thoughts and rumination are a normal response to really abnormal circumstances. It's not a mental illness that requires intense therapy. The steer response framework gives you a way to notice, interrupt, and redirect that mental energy. The affirmations give your brain alternative neural pathways to strengthen. Regulation practices help you to manage your embodied state, which then has a direct influence on your energy and the action that you take, which then directly influences the results that you see and experience in your life. And when you consistently direct that mental energy toward building capacity, toward transformation, towards becoming the version of yourself that you want to be, that is there. You know it's there, girl. You know that version of you is there. When you move towards that version of you, you don't just manage rumination. You fucking outgrow it. You become someone for whom rumination just doesn't fit anymore. And for so many of you, coaching and self-management tools will be enough to create that transformation. But again, if you're experiencing red flags, if you're genuinely not functioning, if you're in crisis, if you've tried self-management tools, you've given it a red hot go, but they're not helping after a genuine effort, then please reach out to your doctor. There is absolutely no shame in needing professional support. And there's also no shame in being strategic about where you invest your time, your energy, your money, all of your resources. You deserve support that actually helps. Support that understands your context, support that moves you forward, not just support for the sake of support. Whether that's therapy, coaching, self-management tools or a combination, choose what serves you and your children best and trust yourself to know the difference. Your brain's capacity for deep analysis, for pattern recognition, for vigilance, they're not problems to eliminate, they're strengths and energy to redirect. And when you redirect them intentionally, you don't just survive, you transform in the best ways possible. If you're experiencing intrusive thoughts or rumination and want to start with some self-management tools, you can download the free mini affirmation in our free resources section of the website, Danielblackcoaching.com.au. The resources section is in the main navigation, and you then just need to scroll down to free resources. I'll also put a link in the show notes. If you have access to the post-separation parenting blueprint, you can access the full STEAR response neuroplasticity lesson plus the printables and further comprehensive affirmation recordings in module 16. If you need immediate mental health support, please do reach out to Lifeline or Beyond Blue or your GP for a mental health care plan. If you are not residing in Australia, please do reach out to supports that are local to you. If you're not sure whether you need therapy or coaching, you are more than welcome to book an initial call. We can talk through what you're experiencing and help you to determine the most appropriate support and path forward for your situation. You can book a one on one initial call. Consult call with me or with another coach on my team again by going to the website danielblackcoaching.com.au, by going to services in the main navigation and scrolling to one-on-one coaching. Thank you so much for being here with me for this conversation. I really do appreciate the time that you spend sharing in these thoughts and ideas with us here on the podcast. You're investing your time, that's not something that we take lightly. You are amazing, and if you do need that deeper support on your journey, we're here to help. I look forward to chatting with you again soon.