SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast. Today I'd like to introduce our new senior coach at Danielle Black Coaching, Bridget Morgan. Welcome, Bridget. Thank you, Danielle. Hello. Bridget's role on our team is at this stage primarily supporting parents who are navigating shared parenting without formal court orders, but they're still wanting to prioritize their child's developmental needs in a way that's really informed, intentional, but also sustainable. And I think that sustainability piece is really important because sometimes what might seem to work or what might seem to be appropriate initially might not really last the distance in terms of that appropriateness for meeting our children's needs, developmental needs, as well as just age-related needs. And obviously, this includes the parents who are wanting to parent protectively, also parents who are wanting to be able to set and maintain appropriate boundaries with the other parent. I think sometimes we can fall into a trap of thinking that if we don't have formal court orders, that we're very limited in what we're able to do in terms of boundaries. In terms of making genuine decisions for our children on behalf of our children, we can be concerned about escalating conflict unnecessarily. All of those things are things that Bridget has lived experience with and is here on our team to support parents with. She's also originally from the US, but is now an Australian citizen. And this background really gives Bridget the ability to understand that additional complexity that separation and co-parenting can involve for expat parents. For example, navigating the stress of separation, divorce, co-parenting when your significant support network might be overseas. It's lovely to have you here with us today. Now, Bridget, some light-hearted questions for you because this is going to help our listeners, our community get to know you a little bit better. And I have to be fair because they're questions that I've also asked Trudy. So here we go. The first one, are you a morning person or a night owl?

SPEAKER_01: 2:36

Okay. I'm gonna go with morning. Um, but there is a bit of a caveat there because I've had to train myself to become a morning person. I think left to my own devices, I'd probably be a bit of a night owl. So a bit of both, really.

SPEAKER_00: 2:51

Oh, Trudy. Trudy's Trudy's a night owl, as people might remember.

SPEAKER_01: 2:56

I have actually got a really solid morning routine now that I have, like I said, trained myself into, but I tend to try and get up a little bit before my son so that I have time to obviously feed the cats and do all the business. But I have a morning journaling practice and I have a special um, you know, coffee ritual and just set myself up for the day so that I feel grounded and hopeful and inspired.

SPEAKER_00: 3:25

Wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing that with us, Bridget. That segues really nicely into our next question. Are you a coffee or tea drinker in the morning? 100% coffee. Strong and dark.

SPEAKER_01: 3:45

I have to say, Danielle, I don't limit my coffee drinking to the morning. Just putting that out there.

SPEAKER_00: 3:51

Well, I'd love to not have to limit my caffeine intake, but I'd be staring at the ceiling if I did not. So it's decaf for me past lunchtime. Why isn't it? Nobody wants me bouncing off the walls late into the evening. So how do you take your coffee? This is um I'm intrigued now. You mentioned a morning coffee ritual. Now that the listeners can't see this, but I can see Bridget on video actually while we're having this conversation. She just took a sip of something. Um was that coffee? Yes. It's 1 p.m. So you're living life on the living life on the edge for, you know, in my world. So how do you like your coffee to be, Bridget?

SPEAKER_01: 4:36

Well, you know, it's a bit uh it's actually a little bit unique, I think. Um so I mix the grapes with cinnamon and I brew it up in a espresso pot, and then I have used to do like a keto coffee, like a bulletproof, but now I do um just a little dash of MCT oil, which is like the coconut oil. So it just yeah, it gives my brain the boost it needs first thing in the morning. I think the key to the ritual really is that I have a beautiful pot and cup. So, in a world where you know, oh, life can be so hectic and your budget's restricted, and you just have like a few little nice things that really feel like upgrades and they're quite special and they're just for you, they can make all the difference. So there's something about with this beautiful ornate coffee pot filled with the coffee the way I like to drink it, the way my body and my brain needs it, in a beautiful gold cup. Put it on a tray and I carry it into my room, and I light a candle, and I do my journaling to my meditation music, and the whole thing takes about 20 minutes, but it definitely sets me up for the day. I feel, you know, ready for most things.

SPEAKER_00: 5:45

I love that, and it's very inspiring. I'm thinking maybe I need to upgrade because I'm just uh black coffee, just a uh a pod in the espresso, and that's me first, you know. This is early in the morning before the children are up and about, but I don't have the rituals that you have, but you've really inspired me. Okay, thank you very much for for letting all of us know about how you're drinking your morning beverage. Bridget, next question Beach or mountains?

SPEAKER_01: 6:17

I'm gonna I'm gonna step outside the box, forests, woods, bush, trees. Is that okay?

SPEAKER_00: 6:25

That's very okay. Mountains is bush for me, I guess.

SPEAKER_01: 6:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 6:29

That's how I think about the bush and the forest and the yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 6:32

If I had to choose between the two, yeah, it would be mountains. But it's a bit tricky because my son loves the beach, so I've had to also become a beach person to support him in his interests and passions. But my happy place would be like forest beating, trees, woodlands, um, inland water, like rivers, waterfalls, um, sometimes lakes, creeks. Yeah. Love it.

SPEAKER_00: 6:58

Beautiful. Phone call or text message? Text message. Now Bridget and I have already had a conversation about this. Because perennially on silent. And and Bridget had sent me a text message and I responded by calling her. And I thought, you know, she might be available, she might not be available, but that'll be quicker than sending a text message. And she answered and she was a bit surprised because normally she's, you know, not available and doesn't answer. And we had a little bit of a chat then about how we approach things fairly differently in terms of talking, talking, or texting. So your answer does not surprise me.

unknown: 7:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 7:45

I wish I could be a phone call. Trudy and I might convert you.

SPEAKER_01: 7:48

Uh it's saves time. All right. Well, I have to try. The only reason I answered that call is because I was expecting a call from someone else from a clinic at the time. So I was ready to yeah, receive the call, but it was surprisingly equally equally wonderful. Yeah. Yeah. I like text because I think um you can plan what you're going to say. I had read somewhere that people who have been gaslit or who have have had come from traumatic experiences prefer communication in writing for this reason because when they have verbally communicated in the past, they've either not been heard or the words have been used against them, twisted, or there's been manipulation. And I think that that's part of the way that I operate is email and text because the evidence, the evidence of what I have said or communicated is in writing. Literally, it can't be changed.

SPEAKER_00: 8:42

Absolutely. No, that's that's such an important point and an important distinction there as well. And I think there's probably so many of our listeners who can relate to that. And and I relate to that a lot as well. I think for me it depends on who the person is that I'm communicating with. And I do think I tend to be a better communicator verbally when I have the opportunity to speak to someone. Sometimes I worry that in writing that the nuance can be lost. But if it's something factual, and if it's perhaps not with somebody that I know very well, then yes, I much prefer to keep things in writing. But Trudy and I do send send voice memos to one another, which I think we both find more convenient than than text. Trudy and I have had some really huge conversations just with back and forth voice memos. Now, Bridget, I think I know the answer to this next question because we've spoken about this before, but would you say that you're a dog person or a cat person?

SPEAKER_01: 9:37

Definitely a cat person. I've had cats all my life. I have two amazing older cats right now who I adore. Um, and yeah, my son and I, we go to cat cafes on a regular basis just to get even more cat doses. Yeah, we love cats.

SPEAKER_00: 9:54

Fantastic. Thank you so much. We've all learned a little bit more about you. Brigid, is there something in particular from your own journey that you would say shapes or influences the way that you coach other parents?

SPEAKER_01: 10:10

Well, I think that I had to become uh very heavily resourced, being uh on my own pretty much here, not having any family in this country apart from the one with whom I was separating and his ties. So I had to lean in a lot to um my chosen family or community resources. I sought professional support and I was also able to access some, you know, government supports and and things that I was eligible for at the time, all of which I am incredibly grateful for because I, yeah, no one can do this journey alone. So I just want to recognize that, you know, resourcing yourself through your self-care, uh, your health, nervous system regulation, it's a huge part of this coming through the other side of this journey, and that's why I'm passionate about coaching into those topics. And I also a lot of this I think sometimes you can feel really unseen, unheard, unvalidated. I think what I found, particularly, you know, through coaching with you, Danielle, and also the community that that you've fostered and and include as part of access to you is this beautiful community of other people who've had a similar journeys, um, is this sense of being seen and heard and being validated and being affirmed. I bring that into my coaching is a sense of compassion and empathy, and also just validation that no, you're not, you know, you're not seeing things wrong, no, you're not misinterpreting, no, you're not too much, no, you're not being too this, too that. Yes, this is a real experience, yes, this is challenging, and then trying to adapt to a child-focused solution pathway as quickly as possible so that you can get on with your life. That's the end goal, you know, it's not to stay in this situation forever, but to maximize your outcome as best you can in favor of what your children need and and what you need to be able to move on with your life and rebuild your life, which is there is so much out there waiting for you. So that sense of hope, I think, is something I bring as well to coaching is this yeah, when you're in the dark place, or it seems really, really hard, and it is really, really hard that you know there is so much hope and possibility and beauty and joy and wonder and love on the other side of that as well.

SPEAKER_00: 13:59

Thank you so much for sharing that, Bridget. There's so much in there that you've shared that that we could unpack. I think what's really stood out to me and probably I think to all of our listeners is that the journey of post-separation for anyone who is here from another country, potentially similar to you, where their main support person is the person that they've separated from, so incredibly challenging. And I'm sure there'll be plenty of people listening as well who have experienced something similar, maybe they're navigating something similar right now, who will really resonate with what you've shared. And the way in which you were able to resource yourself throughout that time is so incredibly inspirational. And as you mentioned, you and I connected, you reached out. How do you think coaching with me has impacted you and your post-separation journey?

SPEAKER_01: 15:07

How much time do I have? I'm a I'm a huge fan. Obviously, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't, but literally life-changing. I can say that in all honesty, uh, in the sense of um, we've talked about this a little bit before, Danielle, as well, that there's the situation and the circumstance that you're getting through, which is what sort of brings us to this space. But then there's also your life beyond that, which can be very hard to even imagine or consider when you are in the thick of something. But having come through this will be this is a five-year journey for me now, you know, and I feel like I'm only just at the end of the season of really finishing that that divorce and post-separation experience, and in a place where I feel um, yeah, much more capable, and my capacity has um just been so increased. So I'm seeing that these skills that I learned in the situation and the circumstance that brought me here are actually really relevant to life in general, and that is an unexpected gift that came from the work with you. But in terms of actually getting through my divorce journey, I had felt so untethered and completely lost because there is a lot of information out there. One of them is the le the legal pathway, and I had a lot of friends who were going through similar journeys, maybe a few steps ahead of me or a few steps behind me, who were more financially resourced, who could just go down that legal pathway, and you know, I would I would watch them hey, all this money, and and I don't mean this to sound like I'm not advocating for accessing legal support. I'm not saying that, but there's this false idea, I think, that you can just pay a lawyer to have your back, and that's a good deal, right? That's a good that's good bang for buck. You pay the lawyer, they have your back, and you get through it. What I was seeing was that you're paying all the money and they don't have your back, and they're missing things, and they're really significant balls getting dropped, and real harm happening. And I I was more terrified to engage a legal team than I was to try and navigate this myself at one point. I was like, if I knew that I could get my outcome maximized through going this pathway, I would find the money, I would beg, borrow, steal, you know, I would I would be able to do that. But I was like, there's no guarantee I'm going to get what I'm hoping for, because I'm not seeing very affirming stories. And and again, I don't mean to like, you know, put any sort of fear energy out there because I'm sure there are great lawyers, and and I did connect with some some good legal um, you know, representation at different points and through different uh means, but I guess that that simplicity, that simplistic idea of if I get a good lawyer, all my problems will be solved, that that's just that is uh a myth, right? So um for me coming to the coaching work with you, uh suddenly I found that I could pretty much have this understanding, this wealth of experience that you have through supporting clients through the legal channels. It was almost like I could learn from others' mistakes. I was engaging with a sense of cautionary tale of what not to do as much as what to do. I was learning about the separation process. Most importantly, I was learning it about it in an Australian context because, again, there's a lot of information out there, but it's heavily biased to America. Like I did sink quite a bit of money into, you know, trying to buy books or online courses and things, but they were all very tailored to American family court systems, which you know, some, you know, I could glean, I could like pull some of it off the top, but when it came to the nitty-gritty, it wasn't applicable here. So I was getting this Australian context, and I think for me the biggest, biggest, biggest, biggest game changer was the fact that the work with you was child-focused and protective parenting. And I wasn't I wasn't seeing that out there either. This sense of understanding your child, you know your child best. You are the expert in your own child. Nobody was telling me that. Nobody was saying that. It was like this generic sort of one size fits all, what's best for the child. We're not talking about the child, we're talking about my child. My child. In my situation, I was a primary care from birth. My son is neurodiverse. Uh, he hadn't been diagnosed at the time of the separation, um, but I had been initiating supports and I had also begun the assessment process. He's since been diagnosed, and he's since got a lot of um official supports in place, which is fantastic, seeing the benefit and the value of that. But at the time of the separation, there was this presupposition or this generic default go-to around the 50-50 split. And I tried, I knew in my heart and my instinct that this was not going to work for where my son was in terms of his um neurotype and in terms of his developmental needs, and I tried very, very hard, very authentically to engage with his dad on that topic, and there was no collaboration, there was no openness. Yeah, he wanted to go down the road of 50-50, and and I I I just could not do that. I knew it would not be best for my son. So when I came into your orbit and I saw how you help parents advocate for a child-focused outcome within the Australian context, and you were your website very clearly articulates the type of you know, the type of situation that I could really deeply resonate with. The conflict, the lack of collaboration, um, the undermining, like all of that. I was like, I've done as much as I can within myself. I need help. I am not the expert in how to navigate this situation. Yeah, I reached out and it was all really for my for my son, and the best outcome that I could imagine or envision for him, given the uncomfortable circumstances we had found ourselves in.

SPEAKER_00: 21:59

Thank you so much, Bridget. Again, just so much insight and absolutely true. And I think there'll be so many listeners who are nodding along to what you shared about, you know, looking at what other people were experiencing when they're engaging with lawyers, starting to recognise that hang on a second, I can be paying a small fortune to a lawyer, and that that doesn't mean that they have my back. That doesn't mean that any outcome is guaranteed. And again, just something that I know that so many people resonate with, so many of our clients. Uh, you know, they've engaged lawyers. A lot of our clients are in the court system, despite the fact that they'd rather not be, but they still need the support of coaching. They need that support to become the expert in their own child that really they already are, but it's about the embodying that. And I think that's what you've articulated. So well, you know, you already knew that what your former partner, you know, your child's other parent was wanting in parenting orders, or rather, parenting arrangements, you knew that that wasn't right for your child. But the missing piece, I think, was really you feeling empowered to hold that line really firmly, to understand the evidence around that as well, to really be able to embody being that protective parent. And as your former coach, it's something that you did exceptionally well. And I think that's that's highlighted in the fact that you don't have 50-50 parenting arrangements, you have avoided the court system. That's not to say that there hasn't been challenges along the way, and there'll be plenty more episodes to come where we can unpack some of that, because we certainly don't want to be giving anyone the impression that you can just of your own accord opt out of legal proceedings. Not everybody has that option. And it also doesn't mean that everything is smooth sailing. So lots that, you know, lots that we can unpack there, but we will save that for another time. But thank you so much, Bridget, for that incredibly insightful and thoughtful response. And I'm so, so glad not only that you're here with us as a as a coach on our team, but also that you connected with me and that you were really able to embody that energy of being that protective parent who who is, you know, absolutely the expert in your child.

SPEAKER_01: 24:46

Thank you, Daniel. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00: 24:49

Now, our final question with Bridget for today's episode is about the blueprint. Listeners, you're probably sick of hearing me talk about the blueprint, but anyone who has access to the blueprint knows why I talk about it, knows why it's our foundational resource. Bridget, you've had an opportunity to dive into the post-separation parenting blueprint. Could you share what some of your first impressions have been with the blueprint?

SPEAKER_01: 25:19

Yes, well, uh I've said before, like I wish this had been a resource available to me when I first found you. Uh, something that has emerged uh since I've come sort of through the end of my cycle. Uh, but I feel like it is so foundational, no matter where you are in your separation journey. And I love it, it has an element of being a resource that you can enter and exit as needed. There's no not a chronological, um, it's not a chronological course that you have to go through from number one to, you know, the end. And and that can that's really reflective. I think that's really insightful that you built it that way because it's reflective of what these journeys can be like. They can feel very chaotic and destabilizing and confusing. You know, one day it might be about how can I regulate myself so that I can give a grounded response to this crisis. Or how can I regulate myself to be the best parent for my child who needs me right now when I'm already overwhelmed by this situation of, you know, whatever's just been thrown at me or whatever, yeah, I've just encountered. So um, so there's that sense to it. Um, sometimes you might have a calmer level of engagement where you want to go in and be like, okay, so what am I thinking strategically moving forward? You know, how can I deal with this decision about court or not court, or prepare for these professionals that I'm engaging with, or you know, how I document. I think that's a really important element of this entire journey as well as the documentation. I don't know, I think Trudy's got a small group coming up about that as well, which I'm really excited to hear more about, too. So for me though, what really stood out, which I which I love, is again, when I found you, it was the Australian context, child-focused, protective parenting. But it was also diving into the evidence-based, age-appropriate, developmentally appropriate aspects of who your child is and where they're at. That for me is my favorite module. It's my favorite module because, again, if this isn't generic stuff. We're not talking about the child or the children. We're talking about, you know, your kids, like how old are they? And what's their personality like? What's their neurotype? What's their background, their, you know, their cultural background. Like they're we're all so unique. So to even just be able to understand from a psychology perspective and a developmental perspective, I mean, we're parents, we're not child psychologists, we're not teachers, you know, we we tend to take on all these roles as as and when needed, as we have capacity, if we have capacity, but you know, ultimately we're we're parents and we're not experts in each and one of every of these fields. So what you've done with that module, I think is so, so helpful because you can tune into, you know, a a toddler's needs are so different from a primary school kid's needs. Or some someone who's neurodivergent may have, you know, uh, there's evidence to show that their chronological age is actually a bit younger. So you might, you know, be able to view them in a younger category, even though their chronological age is a bit older, and what's relevant for them. And and we're talking about things that impact their well-being and their health, um, and their their mental health. So that the whole just see something as basic as care arrangements. What's appropriate? Is it appropriate for a toddler to have a week on, week off, and a 50-50 care arrangement? I know what you're gonna say to that, but you know, we're looking at attachment. We're looking at who's the primary caregiver from from birth and how to step transitions in, how to, you know, protective parenting isn't about, you know, absconding with your child into a cave where they never have contact with the other parent. Maybe that's appropriate, you know, because there are some situations I know where there's significant abuse and harm being done, and that, and that is the right approach, no contact. But in this middle area where we're sort of just ordinary people trying to step through these extraordinary circumstances and do the best for our kids, and we're not coming from a background of you know psychology or you know, mental health, we can come to the blueprint, we can come to my that module, my favorite module, and we can just get a snapshot of understanding about safety, about um what their needs are, about how to strategically determine, you know, schooling, care arrangements, health supports, you know, future-focused step transitions that can be become more flexible as they grow, as they mature, as they increase their capacity and become more resourced, either through age or with supports for, you know, whatever their neurotype is. So the blueprint takes an incredibly complex and unique scope and breaks it down into little chunks, and you can just go to the chunk that is relevant for you at that time, even within one module of your children are this age and this circumstance, and you're trying to work out care arrangements. So here's some really useful, tangible, um, solid guidelines and guardrails and information based on evidence, and then you can make an informed decision. And that's one of the best things I think you can do as a protective parent is make those informed decisions rather than be feel like you're bullied or pressured, or that maybe you are acting out of fear and you're trying to control a bit too much. Maybe it is better for them to have something different than what you would hope for as their ideal, but you can make an informed decision when you're looking at evidence-based research.

SPEAKER_00: 31:25

Absolutely. Thank you so much, Bridget, for again, you know, such a well-thought out and insightful response. And I'm so pleased that that's your favorite module because it's also one of my favourites. And, you know, one of the main reasons why I created the blueprint, which originally was not going to be anywhere near as big as what it ended up being. The problem is that I started creating it, and then there were more things that I thought, oh, well, hang on a second. No, parents also need to know this. But that module that you touch on, it's it's so relevant. And I think for so many parents listening, this will potentially resonate because a lot of the reason why people reach out to us for coaching, particularly when it's in early separation, it's because they're really unsure about what they should be agreeing to in mediation for a parenting plan, or perhaps their former partner has initiated court proceedings and then trying to get their head around, well, what on earth do I say that I'm seeking in interim parenting orders? I don't know what's appropriate. And again, this links really nicely, I think, to what you were sharing in terms of you felt that particular arrangements were not going to be in your son's best interest. And so many parents that come to us, you know, they do have this inner knowing of what's right and what's not right, but it can be so hard to make sense of any of that, to articulate that it can sometimes feel quite vague, it can sometimes feel quite intangible, you don't necessarily always have the language, you might not know whether or not it's defensible. Is there any basis for this? What is a lawyer going to think? My ex has had different legal advice, you know, is his legal advice better than my legal advice? All of those sorts of things. And so I think the the blueprint does help to fill that gap. It's a space where people can come to, whether they work with us one-on-one or not. And lots of people access the blueprint and and don't reach out for coaching immediately, some not for quite a while, depending on where they're at in their journey, because it does provide that framework. It can help to give them language to describe what they already feel about what's appropriate or not. And I think that's that's something that's really powerful as well. It can it can back up and it can validate what they've already been thinking in terms of what's appropriate or not appropriate. Thank you so much for being here with us today, Bridget. It was lovely to have you on the podcast. And I know this is going to be the first occasion of many. To all of you who are listening, thank you so much. We appreciate the fact that you have taken time out of your day to listen, to tune in, to share in this conversation that we're having, and we look forward to connecting with you very soon.