Speaker 0: 0:00

Hi, this is your host, danielle Black. Welcome back to the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast. Today I want to talk about something that most professionals working in this space either don't really understand or might choose to ignore when making recommendations about post-separation parenting arrangements. It's called attachment theory, and understanding it could be one of the most important things that you learn for your children's future well-being. In this episode, we're going to unpack why your two-year-old's desperate clinging to you before changeovers likely isn't just a phase. Rather, it's their attachment system telling you something crucial about their needs, while your four-year-old's regression to bedwetting and tantrums after starting regular overnights isn't just normal adjustment. It's a stress response to attachment disruption. And while the professional who told you that quote kids are resilient and will adapt fundamentally misunderstands how children's brains and emotional systems actually develop, by the end of this episode, my hope is that you will understand why protecting your child's primary attachment relationship isn't being possessive or controlling. Rather, it's being protective of their fundamental development needs.

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So what is attachment? Many people working in the separation, divorce, co-parenting space don't really understand it. Attachment isn't just love. It's not about who a child simply prefers to spend time with. It's a biological survival system that ensures children stay close to the people who can keep them safe and help them to regulate their emotions, help them co-regulate. Think about it from an evolutionary perspective. For thousands of years, tens of thousands of years, children who stayed close to their primary caregivers survived. Children who wandered away or couldn't maintain that connection likely didn't. So our brains developed sophisticated systems to ensure that children form strong bonds with the people who care for them most consistently. This attachment system serves three crucial functions. Number one safety and protection. Children instinctively seek out their primary attachment figure when they're scared, hurt or threatened. Number two for emotion regulation. Kids often can't calm themselves down when they're upset, at least not on their own. They rely on their primary attachment figure to help them return to a calm emotional state, to feel safe, because there is a difference between physical safety and felt emotional safety. And number three a secure base for exploration. When children feel secure in their attachment relationship, they're often far more confident to explore the world around them, knowing that they can return to safety when needed. Here's what's crucial to understand.

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Children don't form equal attachments to all the adults in their lives. They form a hierarchy of attachment relationships with usually one primary attachment figure the person who has been most consistently and predictably available, responsive and attuned to their needs. This primary attachment relationship becomes the template for how children understand relationships in general, how they regulate their emotions and how they navigate the world around them. For most children, especially in their early years, this primary attachment figure is the parent, who does the vast majority of hands-on caregiving, the person that we'd describe as being the primary caregiver, the person responsible for the majority of the feeding, comforting, responding to cries, providing comfort during illness or distress. So how does attachment develop?

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Attachment relationships don't happen overnight. They develop through thousands of small interactions between a caregiver and a child In infancy. So, from birth to around one year of age, babies learn who responds consistently and predictably to their needs. They develop expectations about whether their signals for help will be answered. They begin to show a preference for their primary caregiver and, by around six to eight months, they show clear attachment behaviors like separation distress In toddlerhood. So, around one to three years of age, children use their primary attachment figure as a secure base for exploration. They return back to this person when they're scared or upset. They look to their attachment figure for emotional cues about whether situations are safe, and separation from the primary caregiver becomes increasingly distressing In the preschool years, so when kids are around three to five years of age. Children can maintain mental images of their primary attachment figure for longer periods. They can use comfort objects and strategies that their primary caregiver and primary attachment figure has taught them, but they still need regular contact with their primary attachment figure in order to feel secure, and extended separations can still be highly distressing. The key point is this these attachment relationships are built through consistent, responsive caregiving over time. They can't be rushed and they can't be forced.

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Now let's get into some neuroscience of attachment, specifically disruption to the attachment. When children's primary attachment relationships are disrupted, perhaps through frequent separations, inconsistent access or forced significant time arrangements involving overnight care with the non-primary caregiver, it doesn't just make kids sad, it actually affects the development of their brain. The brains of young children are still developing the neural pathways that control emotion regulation, stress responses, social connection and more. These pathways develop via the relationship with their primary caregiver. When that relationship is frequently interrupted, stress hormones increase. The cortisol levels of children rise when they're separated from their primary attachment figure, and chronic elevation of stress hormones affects brain development, particularly the areas responsible for emotion regulation and learning. The attachment system goes into overdrive. Kids can become hypervigilant around separations. They can cling more desperately when they're with the primary caregiver because they just can't predict when the next separation will occur. Their nervous system can stay activated so that, instead of developing a calm, regulated nervous system, children in disrupted attachment relationships can often exist in a state of just chronic low-level stress.

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Here's what this can look like in real life A three-year-old who was previously toilet trained starts having accidents again. Now, this isn't defiance, it's stress regression. A four-year-old who used to sleep independently through the night starts waking up, crying and wanting to co-sleep. This isn't a manipulation on the child's behalf. This is their attachment system signaling distress. A five-year-old becomes aggressive or withdrawn after starting regular overnight time with the non-primary caregiver. This isn't just quote adjustment, it's their nervous system struggling to cope with attachment disruption. And this brings us to the myth of resilience. One of the most damaging things that I hear other professionals say is that, quote children are resilient when they're recommending arrangements that ultimately disrupt primary attachments. Now, yeah, sure, kids can survive difficult circumstances. As you heard in the episode when I shared my story with you, my son Ash survived the difficult circumstances that he had to live with. But surviving is not the same as thriving, and I'm sure I'm not the only parent who doesn't want their child to have to heal from their childhood.

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When we use the word resilience to justify putting children in situations that stress their attachment systems, we're confusing a child's ability to adapt to harmful circumstances with what's actually good for their development. A child who stops crying at changeovers isn't necessarily adjusting. They might simply have given up hope that their distress signals will actually be noticed and heard and acted upon. A child who seems fine, with regular overnight transitions, might actually be developing what we can call compulsive caregiving, that is, taking care of everyone else's emotions because they've learned that their own needs won't be met. A child who becomes very independent very young might actually be developing avoidant attachment, shutting down their natural attachment-seeking behaviors because they've learned that depending on others leads to disappointment. True resilience is built through secure attachment relationships. Children who have secure primary attachments are actually more able to cope with stress and adversity throughout their lives because they have a solid emotional foundation. Disrupting that foundation in the name of building resilience or because we're prioritizing adult concepts of fairness after separation, is like pulling out the foundation of a house and still expecting it to be strong.

Speaker 0: 9:22

For some children, repeated attachment disruption doesn't just cause stress, it becomes trauma. Attachment trauma can happen when children repeatedly experience separation from their primary caregiver and not having access to their primary caregiver when they're distressed. Inability to access comfort and co-regulation from their primary caregiver and primary attachment figure when they need it. Unpredictable or inconsistent caregiving, which is far more common when they're spending significant time in the care of a non-primary caregiver with whom they don't have a strong attachment, and having their attachment signals ignored or dismissed, which is again far more common when they're spending significant time in the care of a non-primary caregiver who hasn't been consistently, predictably tuned in prior to separation. This type of trauma is particularly damaging because it happens in the context of relationships, the very relationships that are supposed to provide safety and comfort.

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Children who experience attachment trauma can develop disorganized attachment patterns. They can want closeness but could also be afraid of it, because they've learned that the very people that they depend on can also be a source of distress. It can lead to hypervigilance, where children might be constantly scanning for threats and have difficulty relaxing or feeling safe, even though they might be physically safe. Remember, as I mentioned earlier in the episode, there's physical safety and felt emotional safety. There can be intense emotional dysregulation, struggling to manage emotions because they haven't had consistent support with learning how to do this in a predictable, consistent way. They can have difficulty with relationships, struggling to trust others or form healthy relationships throughout their lives. There can also be academic and social challenges. The stress of attachment disruption can affect children's ability to focus, learn and connect with their peers. The tragedy is that this trauma is often invisible to the adults that are making the decisions about parenting arrangements. A child who has given up expressing distress about separation from a primary caregiver may look like that they're doing well on the surface, when what's really going on is they're shutting down emotionally. So what's the long-term impact?

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Attachment relationships in early childhood don't just affect children in the moment. They shape how they approach relationships for the rest of their lives. Children who have had secure primary attachments tend to have better emotional regulation throughout their lives. They tend to form healthier, intimate relationships. As teens and adults they tend to be far more resilient in the face of stress and adversity. They tend to have much better mental health outcomes across their lifespan and they tend to be more successful in their careers and broader social relationships.

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Children whose primary attachments have been disrupted may struggle throughout their life with trust and intimacy in intimate relationships. They may struggle with managing stress and emotions appropriately. They might have a lot of difficulty parenting their own children. They're more likely to experience mental health challenges across their lifespan, including anxiety and depression, and they may struggle feeling secure and worthy of love. I want to be clear this doesn't mean that children who have had disrupted primary, secure attachments are doomed. With support, with therapy, with healing relationships, people can recover from early attachment trauma. But again, why would we knowingly put children at risk for these outcomes when we could protect that primary, secure attachment instead?

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So what does all of this mean for post-separation parenting arrangements? Understanding attachment theory completely changes how we should think about post-separation parenting arrangements. Instead of asking, well, how can we make this situation fair for parents, we should be asking who is this child's primary attachment figure and how can we maintain the security and stability of that relationship while also supporting other important relationships, as well as what parenting arrangements will provide this specific child with the emotional security that they need to thrive. For young children, this often means maintaining primary residence with their primary caregiver, who is their main attachment figure. It means shorter, more frequent contact with the non-primary parent, rather than extended or overnight separations from the primary caregiver. It means gradual increases in time away from the primary caregiver as the child shows readiness, not in line with adult demands or expectations. It means prioritizing the child's emotional security over adult concepts of fairness. For older kids, this might mean considering the child's own preferences about their arrangements, flexibility to main important friendships and activities and recognition that even older children strongly benefit from having a primary, secure, stable base. The key here is recognising that children's attachment needs should drive these decisions, not adult emotional needs or desires for equal time.

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Let's talk about some red flags that attachment might be being disrupted. So how do we know if a child's attachment security is potentially being threatened by the post-separation parenting arrangements? In younger children, from birth to around five years, the things to watch for include increased clinginess or signs of separation, anxiety, sleep disruption or bedtime difficulties, regression in developmental milestones so, for example, regressions with things like toilet training, speech, eating, other skills that perhaps they had mastered or were getting the hang of independently, or at least potentially prepared to have a go at themselves that then change and regress. It can include increased tantrums or emotional meltdowns, changes in eating patterns in terms of what they'll eat, as well as for some children who might have been feeding themselves independently, they might suddenly demand that they be fed, appearing spaced out or emotionally shut down, and physical symptoms like nausea, tummy aches, headaches that are recurring and really don't seem to have any medical cause. In older children around six and above, we need to watch for withdrawal from family or friends, changes in how they're coping and performing at school, signs of increased anxiety or worry, aggressive or defiant behavior that's not characteristic for them, difficulty concentrating, expressing wanting to spend more time with the primary caregiver and perhaps expressing not wanting to spend time with the non-primary caregiver, complaints about arrangements that just seem to be going beyond normal adjustment.

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If you're seeing any of those signs, it's likely that your child's attachment system is under stress, and we shouldn't just brush this off as normal adjustment. Rather, we need to see this as being our child's way of communicating that their emotional needs are not being met. So what can we do If you recognise that your child's attachment security is under threat? Firstly, trust your observations. You know your child better than anyone. If they're showing signs of distress, take it seriously. Educate yourself about attachment theory. The more you understand about children's developmental needs, the better you can advocate for arrangements that support those needs. Document what you're seeing. Keep notes of your children's behaviour, sleep patterns, emotional state, all of the things that you're seeing. Keep notes of your children's behavior, sleep patterns, emotional state, all of the things that you're noticing. This information can be crucial if you ever need to advocate for changes in the parenting arrangements.

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Advocate for gradual transitions. If arrangements need to change, advocate for gradual increases in time, away from the primary attachment figure, rather than huge jumps, keeping in mind that what adults consider a big jump is likely not a big jump for kids. For children, a big jump could even be a handful of hours. In my professional experience, I'm often working with clients where their former partner, the non-primary caregiver, is insisting often on significant time, is insisting on increasing the time to include overnights, multiple overnights and oftentimes demands for equal shared time. This is all about an adult making demands based on their own needs, their own perceived entitlements, their own concept of what's fair. But if we're truly going to be child-focused and protective, the arrangements need to be based on what your child needs and any transitions, any increase in time, should be gradual and in line with what our kids are demonstrating with their behaviour or telling us with their words about how they're coping.

Speaker 0: 18:53

Focus on your child's long-term wellbeing, remembering that protecting your child's attachment security now really does set the foundation for their lifelong emotional, mental, psychological health and wellbeing. Understanding attachment theory is crucial for making child-focused post-separation decisions, but it is just one piece of the puzzle. The post-separation parenting blueprint provides comprehensive guidance on how to apply attachment research to real-world parenting arrangement decisions. In the blueprint, you'll learn how to evaluate your child's attachment security and how to advocate for arrangements that support healthy development, as well as how to work with professionals to help them understand what your child actually needs. The blueprint isn't just generic parenting or separation advice. It's evidence-based guidance that puts children's developmental needs at the centre of decisions and helps you to advocate for those in a compelling, credible way. That's one of the things that so many of my clients have struggled with and one of the reasons why so many clients work with me one-on-one because they want guidance, not just understand what their kids need, but, after they have that knowledge, how they can then best advocate for their kids when they're speaking with professionals, when they're speaking with the other parent.

Speaker 0: 20:15

Your child's attachment security is the foundation for their lifelong emotional well-being. It's important to make sure, as best you can, that your post-separation parenting arrangements protect and nurture that foundation. In our next episode we'll talk about the sorts of things that you can do when you recognize that your child's attachment has been disrupted, and we'll unpack some practical things that you can do to help to support your child in those situations, because, I get it, so many of you listening are stuck with parenting arrangements that you know are really not appropriate. So many parents are working with me who are in that very situation, but there are things that we can do. Thanks for listening and I look forward to chatting with you again soon.