Speaker 1: 0:01

Hi, this is your host, danielle Black. Welcome back to the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast. It's great to be with you. Thank you so much to those people who have already downloaded and listened to the most recent two episodes episode number 54, protective Parenting vs Conflict Avoidance the Choice that Changes Everything. And episode number 55, debunking Post-Separation Myths why Do so Many Professionals Get the Recommendations Wrong?

Speaker 1: 0:32

I hope you've enjoyed those two episodes. I hope that you've taken something away from those, and please also remember that if you're ever listening to content that maybe doesn't necessarily speak to you personally because of your specific situation, think about whether or not there's someone in your world who might benefit from listening, whether that person is already navigating the separation journey, or whether you have someone close to you who you know might be contemplating separation. The sooner we have information on our journey, particularly when it comes to protective parenting, the better able we are to make protective decisions for ourselves and for our kids. You might be listening to episodes of this podcast and wondering who I actually am. Who am I to be giving you this information? Wondering who I actually am. Who am I to be giving you this information? Why is it that I'm doing this work, particularly if you're contemplating working with me in a one-on-one capacity, or even if you're considering signing up to the waitlist for the post-separation parenting blueprint, it's fair and reasonable to know who it is that you're choosing to walk beside you on your journey. And if you are wondering about who I am what's my background, what's my story, why am I doing this work? Great, I think that's fantastic. I think you should know more about whoever it is that you're choosing to support you, that you're choosing to take guidance from on your post-separation journey, because my opinion is that the person that you choose, or the people that you choose, to support you, to walk beside you, can absolutely impact the path that your journey takes.

Speaker 1: 2:23

So in this episode, what I'd like to do is share with you a bit about me and my personal story. I know that many of you listening are people who have worked with me personally, or you might have read my website and learned about me and my story, but what I'm about to share is information that probably only a handful of my one-on-one clients know to any significant extent. It's not something that I've shared on the podcast before or in any open forum, but I wanted to share with you more about my personal story because I think when you're looking for someone to support you on a post-separation journey, particularly with post-separation parenting, I think it helps to know whether or not that person has navigated what it is that you're navigating. Do they really get it? Does their knowledge go beyond facts? Not that there's anything wrong with facts, but what I know, my clients, the people that find me are drawn to me, resonate with me and my style of coaching. They're not wanting just factual, polished guidance. They weren't wanting a divorce coach who was a former psychologist or a former lawyer and that's not to take away anything from coaches with that particular background. There's space for all of us to be coexisting because we're all bringing something unique.

Speaker 1: 3:52

However, the clients that resonate with me and my style of coaching, they're not looking for polished, they're looking for real. They're looking for someone who gets it. And that's not to say that I don't have my polished moments. I am absolutely very professional, but I'm also just a real person. I'm a real mum and I've experienced some really horrific things on my own post-separation journey, and so my clients know when I'm giving them guidance, advice, when I'm there with them in the trenches, they know that I'm not telling them to do anything that I haven't done or that I wouldn't have done in my situation. So much of what I'm able to support clients with is because I've been there, done that.

Speaker 1: 4:35

You know any mistakes that you can think of on this post-separation parenting journey? Yeah, you know, that was me and it's important that I tell you that and that I tell you my story, because with episodes like one of the most recent ones, when I was talking about the difference between being conflict avoidant and protective and really actually needing to make a decision about which sort of parent you are going to be, what energy you're going to embody, for years I was conflict avoidant. That conflict avoidance harmed me and my eldest child significantly. So I guess that's something else that I really want to be communicating in this episode that whenever I'm giving information, whenever I'm asking a question that might sound really challenging, there's absolutely never any judgment with that, because I've done all the things that I don't want my clients to do. You know I've made all of the mistakes.

Speaker 1: 5:35

So the following is my personal story the experiences that led me to do this work in the first place and the experiences that led me to create the post-separation parenting blueprint. The experiences that led to me dedicating my professional life to supporting protective parents, and I'm not sharing my story for sympathy. I'm doing it to help other parents. I want you to understand that the challenges that you're facing are real, that the fear and confusion that you feel is really normal. It's an incredibly normal response to some really fucked up situations. And I also want you to know that it's possible to move forward and create positive change. So here goes.

Speaker 1: 6:16

I met Mark when I was just 17 years old. Looking back now with knowledge that I didn't have then, I can see that our relationship had elements of control from the very beginning, but I didn't recognize any of that as warning signs. They weren't red flags to me, they were just so familiar. You see, I'd grown up in an environment where I had been exposed to coercive control dynamics between my parents, strict gender role expectations, subtle control tactics. My feelings and preferences as a child were routinely dismissed. All of that was my normal, and familiarity creates comfort even when it's harmful. Some of the things that I thought was love in that relationship his intense focus on me and desire to spend all of our time together. His strong opinions about what I should wear, how I should style my hair, who I should spend time with and how I should behave. His explanations that his anger and controlling behaviors were because he cared so much, or later on he explained that they were my fault in a way that was really convincing. He had an ability to make me feel like I was responsible for his emotions and reactions, and remember I grew up in an environment where I was regularly held responsible for the emotions and reactions of my parents, so having that weight of responsibility put on me was not unusual.

Speaker 1: 7:42

The way that I often frame this to my clients when we're unpacking what's going on for them is to explain that when we've experienced any of these dynamics in childhood, either directly or indirectly, from just watching the interactions between our parents, what it means is that when we're embarking on our own intimate relationships, the red flags just are not red. We don't see them as being harmful because they're normal, they're familiar. What I didn't understand was that all of that was coercive control. It wasn't healthy love. Healthy relationships involve respect for autonomy and individual preferences, and my feelings of walking on eggshells and constant anxiety were not normal. I was being systematically conditioned to prioritize Mark's needs and to prioritize his narrative of me and our relationship. To give more context, this relationship that I had with Mark began when I was 17. We then married when I was 24 and our son, ash, was born when I was 27.

Speaker 1: 8:42

The relationship dynamics just got worse during my pregnancy with Ash. What had been subtle control and emotional manipulation became so much more overt and frightening. But even then I didn't have the language or the understanding to identify what was happening. I didn't know that it was abuse, and this was years before terms like coercive control or family violence were routinely used. I told myself that I just needed to be more understanding and accommodating, to just be a better wife. That if I could just manage his emotions better, that things would improve in the relationship. I told myself that this was just temporary stress that would resolve after our child was born. Surely our baby would bring us closer together. But there was a reality that I couldn't see and didn't understand, and that is that abuse often escalates during pregnancy as abusers seek to increase their control. That Mark's behavior was about entitlement, power and control, not normal levels of stress or healthy love. That no amount of accommodations or better behavior on my part would change the controlling and abusive patterns. I also didn't know that I was not responsible for managing Mark's emotions or reactions.

Speaker 1: 9:52

When Ash was 12 months old I finally found the courage to leave. This wasn't a sudden decision. It was the culmination of growing awareness that this just was not the environment that I wanted Ash growing up in, seeing and hearing his mum be regularly verbally abused. Things had also escalated to more intense physical intimidation, sometimes while I was holding Ash, and I just knew deep down that my hopes for change were unrealistic. But at that stage I was still so much under the illusion that Mark could be a good father to Ash, primarily because he had never directly harmed or abused Ash. But then again he hadn't really shown that much interest in Ash at all up to that point. But I convinced myself that that was normal.

Speaker 1: 10:34

What gave me strength to leave the relationship was my maternal instincts that were telling me that this environment was not good for my baby, the gradual recognition that the problems were just not something that I could fix, even though I was still very conditioned that the problems were mainly my fault. I was afraid that Ash would grow up thinking that this was normal relationship behavior, and I had support from good friends and family who were helping me to see the situation more clearly, some of whom had not liked Mark right from the start of our relationship. But it was still a really challenging decision because of everything that I was leaving behind the only adult relationship that I'd ever known. Financial security, because by that point I hadn't been working for the length of time that Ash had been born, so we're talking 12 or so months at this point in time. I was leaving behind the dream of Mark, ash and I being a happy, intact family and the familiar patterns that, despite the fact that deep down I knew that they were wrong and harmful. They were predictable, they were familiar, they were known, but still I ultimately chose to leave the relationship and to step into uncertainty.

Speaker 1: 11:44

Then my post-separation nightmare began. What I thought would be the end of the abuse was just the beginning of a new phase. Initially, there was love bombing, constant messages of love and promises to change. Flowers, poetry, other gifts, declarations that Mark couldn't live without me and Ash appeals to our history together. By that point, we had been together for 11 years and had shared dreams for what we wanted to create together.

Speaker 1: 12:10

When the reconciliation attempts failed, there was then stalking and harassment Mark turning up at my door at all hours unannounced, including in the middle of the night, repeated phone calls and messages Driving past my home. If there was a car that he didn't recognise, he would text me the number plate of the car and demand to know who belonged to the car, and oftentimes these were people that were visiting my neighbors. So I had no idea, but nevertheless it reinforced to me that Mark was keeping an eye on me. Mark contacted friends and family his and mine to give his version of events. To quote, explain why I'd left. It's important to note here that his explanations bore absolutely no resemblance to the truth. When some of that information filtered back to me and then the threats about taking Ash away from me if I didn't be reasonable started. The threat that ultimately forced my total compliance was Mark telling me that if I didn't agree to a 50-50 parenting arrangement, that he'd convince everyone I was crazy and get sole custody of Ash. I believed him. The context around this is that this was 2008 in Australia and Mark's threat felt very credible because terms like coercive control, family violence and post-separation abuse were not common. I didn't even understand at that point that what I had been experiencing was actually considered abuse.

Speaker 1: 13:33

The family law system in Australia back then was heavily promoting significant shared parenting. Two years prior, in 2006, the presumption of equal shared parental responsibility so that's, the legal decision-making component of parenting in Australia and its link to equal shared parenting time, was added to the Australian Family Law Act. The impact of this change to the law severely impacted how post-separation parenting arrangements were viewed by professionals and the community as a whole. Despite the fact that this presumption was removed in 2024, the harm will take many years, perhaps decades, to be undone, because the bias and ideology regarding significant time and equal time arrangements is so deeply rooted in this country.

Speaker 1: 14:23

Back then I also had limited knowledge of child development research as it relates to separation. I also didn't fully understand the significance of my role and responsibility as Ash's primary caregiver. I was isolated, traumatised and financially vulnerable. I'd moved out of the family home and was struggling to make ends meet. Mark was living in the family home and was able to use the offset account to cover the mortgage and other expenses. I couldn't afford a lawyer and I was terrified of creating conflict. I just wanted things to calm down so that we could move on with our lives. My response was driven by an intense avoidance of conflict and, honestly, by sheer terror. I was afraid that if I didn't give Mark what he wanted, that he would absolutely follow through with his threats of court which, with everything that has happened since that time, I absolutely believe he would have done. And I was so scared that the courts would see me as vindictive if I resisted equal shared parenting.

Speaker 1: 15:21

Despite Ash's very young age and despite the fact that Mark had not been actively involved in the day-to-day care of Ash, I believed that I had no real choice but to comply with Mark's demands and I hoped that if I cooperated, that Mark would eventually calm down and that Ash would benefit from that. I also just really wanted to be a good co-parent, and that meant agreeing to Mark's demands and avoiding the conflict. But what was really going on was a continuation of our relationship dynamics, specifically Mark having all the power and control and me being expected to do what I was told or suffer the consequences. The tragic irony of all of this is that I really thought that complying with Mark's demands would actually protect Ash. I thought that avoiding conflict at all costs was in Ash's best interests. I mistakenly thought that we could be collaborative co-parents, despite the control and abuse. I had no idea that post-separation abuse often escalates and continues for years. I didn't know that I'd be setting a very dangerous precedent of equal shared parenting time that Mark would never agree to change, no matter the impact on Ash, and I didn't realise that how Mark treated me was as a result of his perceived entitlement, values, beliefs, attitudes and other traits and characteristics, and that that would also be how he ultimately treated Ash.

Speaker 1: 16:37

The years that followed were marked by ongoing post-separation abuse, with the only temporary reprieve coming when I placated Mark and complied with demands. For more than a decade I lived in constant fear Fear of angering Mark when Ash was in his care, of what Mark might do if I challenged or pushed back on any of his demands or his constant criticism of me. I was afraid of losing Ash if I was seen as uncooperative by any professional that Mark might turn to. I was afraid of the emotional and financial cost of any ongoing conflict and I was scared of making things worse for Ash by standing up to Mark or even just putting in place the most basic of boundaries. Mark's ongoing control tactics included refusing to pay child support, insisting on two and three day rotating schedules that were convenient for him, but kept me in poverty because it meant that I was unable to return to my previous work for years. Whilst, of course, he repeatedly criticized me for not working enough, he maintained negative, false narratives about me to his family and other people, including on social media, a lot of which was screenshotted to me and sent to me by other people. He would often create a false intimacy between Ash and his various romantic partners over the years and encouraged them to provide significant care for Ash, and he used every in-person interaction with me as an opportunity to criticize and intimidate me.

Speaker 1: 17:58

Throughout all of this, I carried so much guilt and self-blame. I'd convinced myself that the abuse was my fault, that I'd pushed his buttons and brought out the worst in him, that if I'd just been a better person, a better woman, I could have made the relationship work, that I'd failed Ash by not providing him with an intact family and that I should be grateful that Mark wanted to be so involved in Ash's life. I told myself, tried to convince myself that Mark was a much better father than he was a partner. I told myself that Ash needed his dad, regardless of our relationship problems, and that I should just put aside my feelings for Ash's sake. I convinced myself that challenging the arrangements would be selfish on my part and that Ash was resilient and would ultimately be fine. What I couldn't say and didn't know was that abusers often present themselves differently to the outside world. What I didn't know and couldn't see was that children are profoundly affected by witnessing abuse, living with abusive parents, especially when it's for a significant time, and they're profoundly affected from the impact of the abuse on their primary attachment figure. I didn't realize that my protective instincts were right, even when I wasn't able to act on them. I didn't realize that the arrangements were not serving Ash in terms of safety, best interest needs or his developmental needs. I didn't realize that it was fear and trauma that was preventing me from making clear decisions and that I was avoiding conflict with Mark to a degree that was pathological. Eventually, I learned that I was suffering from significant, complex PTSD.

Speaker 1: 19:27

When Ash was between the ages of one and four years of age, he was frequently distressed when separating from me. All these years later, the tears come when I remember the way that he would cling to me and cry before he was ripped away from me by Mark, who would then angrily order me away. Ash's distress was his way of communicating that he wasn't coping, that he was being harmed. As he got older, ash repeatedly verbalised, not wanting to see his dad. He would say things like I don't want to go to dad's house, I don't like it there. Why can't I just stay with you? Why do I have to go if I don't want to? Later this was joined with. Dad doesn't even really love me. Dad's always tricking me. Ash now describes those situations of feeling tricked as his father gaslighting or manipulating him. He then also started saying please, mum, don't make me go. My heart broke every time, but I felt powerless and when I would try to understand why Ash felt the way that he did, he would often just mumble. I don't know.

Speaker 1: 20:24

I was terrified of challenging the established parenting arrangements and I feared Mark's retaliation if I supported Ash's resistance. The times when I did try to open dialogue with Mark, his response would be well, he says the same things about you when he's with me. He's just trying to manipulate you. I would also receive text messages from Mark's phone that would read hi, it's Ash. I was upset before no-transcript and to manipulate Ash, but at the time I didn't know what to believe. I did know that Mark would never agree to change the care arrangements and that we would likely end up in court. I worried that the court wouldn't protect Ash, though, given the long-term, equal shared care history, I'd also been conditioned to believe that Mark had parental rights that superseded Ash's needs and wishes, and ultimately, I just lacked the knowledge and the confidence to advocate for Ash effectively, and this is my greatest regret. Right from the start, I knew that the parenting arrangements weren't right for Ash. I could see the impact on his wellbeing and development, but I was too scared and powerless to act. Fear kept me paralysed when what Ash really needed was for me to be brave. Ash needed me to choose to be protective instead of conflict avoidant. I failed. I failed to protect my son when he needed me most, and the system was structured in a way that I didn't believe that Ash and I would be safe if I reached out for help.

Speaker 1: 21:45

In the post-separation parenting blueprint, ash shares his own story. He talks about the situation when he was 11, when he ran away from his dad's house and ultimately disclosed various forms of abuse. If you'd like to know more about Ash's story, you'll be able to access that by enrolling in the post-separation parenting blueprint when it launches later this month, september 2025. We'll fast forward to a year or so after Mark having no contact with Ash. After Ash ran away, the legal letters started accusing me of unilaterally withholding and gatekeeping. Just so you know, protective mothers are often accused of those things, so if that's also happened to you, you are in very good company.

Speaker 1: 22:30

Mark ultimately dragged us through the court system for over three years, but Ash's views were given significant weight and he was not forced to have any contact with his father. The court process revealed how much Ash had been trying to protect me by not fully disclosing his experiences earlier, along with the extent of the harm caused by years of inappropriate care arrangements. Through our court experience, I learned that the family law system had the potential to protect older children. When they were able to speak their truth, ash's voice was finally heard and I finally was protective. I realized how much damage could have been prevented with earlier intervention. Several professionals told me that Mark never would have been successful with achieving equal parenting time if we'd gone to court soon after separation.

Speaker 1: 23:17

And even though Ash has now been safe for many years he's now 18, an adult I still live with immense guilt and grief about those early years. I was not a protective parent when it mattered most and in so many ways I prioritised avoiding and minimising conflict and my own emotional comfort over protecting my son. I allowed fear to prevent me from advocating for Ash's needs and I enabled years of harm by complying with inappropriate arrangements. I failed to trust my instincts and intuition when they were telling me that something was very, very wrong, and because of that I carry enormous grief for the childhood that Ash lost to those inappropriate arrangements and for the childhood that Ash lost to those inappropriate arrangements and for the years of fear and anxiety that we both endured. I also grieve for the emotional and psychological pain and torment that I endured for so many years, thinking about the mother that I should have been and wanted to be but couldn't be or chose not to be, for the opportunities to intervene that I missed and for the long-term impact on ash that could have been prevented, and for the system that took so many fucking years to change the law and yet has still not gone far enough, because in so many ways the system, the professionals in the system, are really no better than they were 17 years ago.

Speaker 1: 24:32

I know I was a victim too, but I'll still never forgive myself, and that's something that I want you to know when you are facing a choice between being protective or being conflict avoidant, because understanding the trauma that keeps you in a conflict avoidant place does not eliminate the guilt. Believe me when I say that Intellectual knowledge about abuse dynamics doesn't heal the regret. Ash's love and forgiveness does not erase my self-condemnation. What we were subjected to. Even though I'm now almost 20 years post-separation, it still haunts me. But I don't want to end this episode all doom and gloom.

Speaker 1: 25:08

There have absolutely been plenty of silver linings. When Ash was four, I married Drew and went on to have three more children. We've created a loving, healthy family, proof that healing and happy endings are possible. Our family now demonstrates what healthy relationships look like and that it's possible to break cycles of intergenerational abuse and create different patterns healthy patterns. I've also experienced firsthand that children and adults can heal from trauma with lots of love and lots of the right kind of support. Hope and healing are possible even after profound harm, and protective parenting, when it's finally implemented, is healing for both parents and children. Ash has grown into a thoughtful, articulate young man who understands his experiences and has found his voice. He's living proof that children can heal and thrive when they're finally protected.

Speaker 1: 25:57

Now, through my work as a separation, divorce and protective parenting coach, I support other protective parents to advocate for themselves and their children before, during and after separation. And this work isn't just my profession, it's my mission. What drives my work is the knowledge that other parents are facing the same fear and confusion that I experienced, and the system and the professionals that work within it fail protective parents and children on a daily basis. Protective parents and those who work in the family law space or those who support protective parents in some way need knowledge and support to advocate effectively, because the reality is that a significant amount of professional guidance currently tends to prioritise adult comfort and adult concepts of fairness over and above children's safety, developmental needs and overall best interests. I am determined that other children should not endure what Ash endured.

Speaker 1: 26:50

What I bring with me to this work is lived experience of both perspectives victim-survivor and conflict-avoidant, as well as the perspective of a protective parent. I bring professional training in education, counselling, coaching, trauma-informed practice and child development. I bring deep understanding of how abusers perpetrate post-separation abuse and manipulate family law systems and the professionals that work within the system. I bring knowledge of what actually helps protective parents and children heal and thrive post-separation, and I bring a commitment to evidence-based practice rather than ideological assumptions and bias. I know that protecting your children and prioritizing their needs post-separation sometimes requires very difficult choices, and that's why I created the Post Separation Parenting Blueprint.

Speaker 1: 27:39

I want to provide parents with the knowledge and support that I wish I had been given. The blueprint represents everything I wish that I'd known Evidence-based information, practical strategies and professional insights that could have enabled me to advocate for Ash and protect him from years of inappropriate parenting arrangements during his most vulnerable years. I created this resource because too many children are suffering in arrangements that don't serve their best interests and too many protective parents are paralyzed by fear and a lack of information. Too many professionals give advice that prioritizes adult concepts of fairness over children's needs. But the research is there. It exists to support better practice. Parents just don't often have access to it. My hope is that this blueprint will give you the knowledge and the confidence that I lacked when Ash was so young, and my hope is that the blueprint will help you to trust your protective instincts and act on them effectively, to provide you with evidence-based responses when you're faced with professional pressure, to support you in creating parenting arrangements that truly serve your children's needs, to prevent other kids experiencing what Ash endured.

Speaker 1: 28:43

You're already demonstrating protective parenting by seeking knowledge and support. You're doing what I was too scared and uninformed to do. You're educating yourself and preparing to advocate for your children. Please remember your protective instincts are usually correct. Your children need you to be brave, even when you're scared. Professional pressure should not override your knowledge of your children. Early intervention can prevent years of harm. Knowledge and evidence can overcome fear and confusion. You've got the opportunity that I missed. You've got the opportunity to get it right from the beginning, or at least much earlier on in the journey than me. You've got the opportunity to prioritize your children's needs over the demands of your co-parent and over and above professional pressure. You have the opportunity to use evidence and research to support your advocacy, to protect your kids when protection is what they need most and to avoid the guilt and the grief that I will live with because of my early inaction.

Speaker 1: 29:45

In the blueprint, I share so much of what I've learned, so much of what creates the foundation of my one-on-one coaching work, knowledge and wisdom gained from both my painful and transformative personal experiences and from my decades of professional training and practice. You have the opportunity to gain the knowledge that you need to advocate effectively, and your children will benefit from your courage and informed action. It is my honour and my privilege to support you. Together, we have the opportunity to optimise the likelihood that your kids will receive the protection and appropriate arrangements that they need and deserve, that you will feel supported along the way and that, even if inappropriate arrangements are put in place, that you'll have some strategies, that you will have some hope, that you will have support even if things don't go the way that you want them to. I haven't shared my story here to seek forgiveness for my failures, but rather to offer hope for your success and to help you learn a little bit more about me and why I'm so passionate about this work.

Speaker 1: 30:43

The children that we all protect today are the reason that this work matters, because every child who avoids inappropriate parenting arrangements and every parent who finds the courage to advocate effectively and every professional who is challenged to do better they all contribute to the change that we so desperately need in Australia and in countries around the world.

Speaker 1: 31:07

Your journey towards protective parenting begins with knowledge, and this podcast, my website, my one-on-one coaching and, soon, the post-separation parenting blueprint, is my offering to you and to your children Everything that I wish that I'd known all those years ago, organized and presented to help you succeed where I initially failed. Thank you so much for taking the time to be with me here today, for listening to my story, for your continued support, for your continued work as a changemaker, because that's what you are, that's what we all are, all of us who seek to know more so that we can do better. We're helping to change lives our own lives, the lives of our children and of anyone else that we come across, and that's how we get deep, lasting, cultural, societal change. We've all got a part to play. So, again, thank you so much for being here. I'll look forward to speaking with you soon.