Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi, thanks for joining me on another episode of the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast. I'm your host, australian Specialist Separation, divorce and Co-Parenting Coach, danielle Black. Today I'm getting into part nine of our series on post-separation abuse unpacked. Today, the area of post-separation abuse that I'm focusing on is abusive and neglectful parenting. I will give a trigger warning here, although, to be honest, most of my episodes could probably come with a trigger warning. But if you have experienced physical, sexual or other forms of significant abuse from a partner or former partner, or during childhood, you may prefer to skip this episode. If your children have experienced physical, sexual, mental, emotional or psychological abuse from your partner or former partner, again this episode may be distressing for you. It might be better for you to skip it If you do choose to listen. If this does raise issues for you, please do reach out to 1-800-RESPECT or other services. Numbers for other services that can help you are listed in the show notes. You thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue. Baby, hey, I'm Danielle Black and I'm the coach you need if you're dealing with post-separation abuse. I help you make sense of ongoing abusive behaviour after separation and help you take back your power and control. Let's go. You thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue.

Speaker 1: 1:46

Abusive and neglectful parenting, like all forms of post-separation abuse, can also occur during the course of the relationship. Current and former partners can abuse children physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally or psychologically. This abuse is underpinned by themes of power and control and is likely never going to be genuinely acknowledged by the abusive parent. Controlling and abusive parents can want or expect children to behave either older or younger than their chronological age. That is abusive parenting. Controlling and abusive parents can infantilize children. This means chronically treating older children in a way that denies their actual age and maturity in an effort to maintain power and control. Controlling and abusive parents can also parentify children. That is, chronically treating children and expecting them to behave and take on responsibilities in a way that it denies their actual age, their actual maturity and their right to a childhood. For example, children are often encouraged by controlling and abusive parents to become a source of emotional support to that parent, to take on parenting responsibilities for one or more siblings, to take on roles that are inappropriate for their age, their level of maturity and their development. This could be expecting to work, oftentimes unpaid, in a family business or on a family farm to provide care to a parent that might be chronically unwell or suffering from untreated mental illness or drug or alcohol abuse, to be responsible for waking up a parent in the morning in order for that parent to actually get up, take them to school, care for the family, those sorts of things. Essentially, the abusive and neglectful parent abdicates adult tasks and responsibilities and expects the children to take those things up. What is considered inappropriate in the context of all of this will depend on the age of the child. For example, a teenager helping to prepare dinner or doing some significant cleaning tasks is very different to a younger child being expected to do the same thing.

Speaker 1: 4:03

Something that I consistently see with my clients is their former partners making children responsible for their emotions. Abusive men tend to be very emotionally immature. They don't tend to have very good skills when it comes to regulating and managing their emotions appropriately, and they put all of this onto the children After separation. It's really common for controlling and abusive men to want more time with the children, claiming to be lonely. They will sometimes talk about self-harm, suicidal ideation, wanting time with the kids because they're lonely, they don't like being by themselves. They miss the kids so much. All of that is parentifying children and it is absolutely not appropriate to give your ex more time with the children because you feel sorry for your ex or because he says that he is lonely. It's common for controlling and abusive men to essentially treat their children as emotional support animals. This is not appropriate. This is harmful. This is psychologically, emotionally, mentally abusive to your children. Please do not give your former partner more parenting time because they talk about how lonely they are. Please be aware that any comments from your former partner about self-harm or suicidal ideation are a red flag and a risk factor for situations of harming themselves and the children, and any concern you have about your former partner's mental health needs to be taken very seriously and can be used to minimize their time with the children. If this is something that you need some support with, please reach out. This is something that I'm able to support you with. This is something that I've supported a number of my clients with Controlling and abusive partners, and former partners can expose children to pornography, alcohol, drugs, inappropriate people and situations during their parenting time.

Speaker 1: 6:11

They might expose children to inappropriate movies, tv shows, video games, apps and internet content during their parenting time, and this can be either deliberate exposure or exposure due to careless, irresponsible or disinterested parenting or as a means to win over the child. They want to become more popular than mum, and so they might allow their children to watch M or MA rated movies inappropriately in order to win over the children. It must be said here that exposure to adult content, and particularly adult sexual content, is very common grooming behavior. Please do not dismiss it. If you're aware that your partner or former partner has exposed your children in some way, shape or form to anything inappropriate sexually, such as pornography, this is something that you must take very, very, very seriously, seriously, even if your former partner claims that it was by accident.

Speaker 1: 7:17

It's common for controlling and abusive former partners to demand increased parenting time, oftentimes seeking 50-50 or equal shared parenting time, even though their actions and life circumstances cause their intentions and their motivation to be questioned. For example, they might have work commitments that ultimately mean that there's no way that they could really be providing adequate care or supervision for the children. They may intend, rather, to place the children in the care of family members or new partners. They may also be living in the home of friends or family members with no intention of providing appropriate accommodation for the children themselves and with no intention of actually caring for the children themselves. What they really want is to have the children away from you, and they're more than happy for their own parents or new partners to be caring for the kids as long as the kids are away from you, and this is abusive, regardless of their capacity to provide care themselves or their genuine interest or attachment in the kids or lack thereof. Controlling abusers have a tendency to seek more time with children as a means of hurting you and of ultimately winning. The kids are often simply viewed as possessions.

Speaker 1: 8:34

By controlling people, these men may also demand more time with their children, only to leave them in the care of others, as I've previously mentioned, or to repeatedly change the care arrangements and make excuses for the fact that they can't or won't make themselves available for the children. I do have a small number of clients where their former partner is very, very disinterested and regularly cancels parenting time. However, there's far more men who are seeking significant amounts of parenting time despite the fact that they've never actually been a very interested parent and have done very, very minimal hands-on parenting. Controlling and abusive men regularly and repeatedly prioritize their own needs and wantsrolling and abusive men regularly and repeatedly prioritize their own needs and wants over and above the needs and the best interests of the children, and they'll often outsource parenting tasks and responsibilities to other people. This can include their family members and new partners.

Speaker 1: 9:31

Controlling and abusive men ensure compliance and obedience from children by way of physical violence, intimidation, ridicule, threats, shame, manipulation or other forms of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse, and oftentimes this can be very covert, coercive control. Controlling parents often overreact to very minor misdemeanors in normal childhood behavior, and the way that they view discipline or consequences for children is often incredibly problematic and oftentimes not at all age appropriate. It is common for controlling and abusive people to have a golden child or a favorite child and to pit siblings against one another. The golden child will be the focus of favorable attention, and this can actually change and be dependent upon which child the controlling parent believes that they can more easily manipulate on any given day or any given situation. It must be said here that abusive men controlling men are not good fathers. This is a conversation that I have had over the years with many of my clients who, whilst they may identify that their former partner has been horrible to them, they want to believe that their former partner is a good dad, and that is just simply not true. A good father does not abuse or attempt to control the mother of his children. It's as simple as that, and the most reliable way to predict how a controlling man is ultimately going to treat his children is how he treats the mother of his children. You may not have seen anything problematic between your former partner and the kids in the past, but when you're no longer there to protect your children and to bear the brunt of his control and his abuse, make no mistake you know how your children will be treated because it's exactly how you have been treated.

Speaker 1: 11:31

Controlling and abusive men have a tendency to view their children as extensions of themselves and often have specific expectations regarding the development, personality, intelligence, interests and strengths of their children. Because these men often tend to view themselves as being perfect, they often expect their children to live up to their ever-changing view of perfection. The increasing individuation of older kids, so developmentally appropriate separation from parents, increasing sense of self with their own opinions and interests. This individuation is often perceived as a threat by controlling and abusive fathers, and this is a time when all forms of abuse may escalate and when physical violence may be experienced by the child for the first time. The ages of around 10, 11, 12 can be when physical violence occurs for the first time. Please don't be lulled into a false sense of security that, just because your former partner has never been physically abusive to the kids that you know of, please do not be thinking that this means that he will never be abusive. The reality is that young kids are just simply easier to control and manipulate, and this changes the older that kids get, and the frustration that controlling and abusive men feel over this and their desire for ultimate power and control can often mean that they resort to physical violence as a means of maintaining that ultimate power and control.

Speaker 1: 13:01

In many instances, including when children are being infantilized or parentified, controlling and abusive parents are placing expectations on the kids to provide for the parents' needs. Controlling and abusive fathers are increasingly disinterested and dismissive to the genuine needs of the children and in their role as a parent in general. Unless there's an audience, so they can be very, very good at looking from the outside like a good father. It's common for controlling and abusive men to have not been very interested or involved in parenting before separation and to have left the majority of the heavy lifting of day-to-day parenting to you. Any increased interest in spending time with children post-separation tends to be underpinned by the controlling parents' emotional needs and their desire to maintain control, rather than any desire for a genuine relationship with the children.

Speaker 1: 14:08

Enmeshed with this can be issues around abandonment, issues around rejection, and this is made all the more complex by the fact that these men are also quite emotionally immature. They have not learned to appropriately manage their own emotions, to appropriately explore or understand their own emotions or to regulate their own emotions. There can be lots of shame, humiliation, but also entitlement, and whilst this is all very sad and I do have compassion for these men where that is concerned oftentimes this stems from very problematic upbringing and childhood and also the messages that they've received from society in general. We must always focus on the needs and the best interests of children. It is very sad if controlling and abusive men are struggling emotionally, but their needs should never and I'll repeat that their needs should never be put above the needs and the safety of children.

Speaker 1: 15:15

I don't give a shit If your ex-partner is lonely or misses the kids. Please do not hand your children over to him because of that, and whilst I'm compassionate for being in that situation, and I have been in that situation. You have to prioritize the safety of your children. Whether you've got concerns about the emotional stability of your former partner, whether there is a history of misusing alcohol or other drugs, this person is not safe to be caring for your children and if you are worried about what appropriate parenting arrangements are post-separation, please reach out. This is something that I have supported so many clients to navigate. I can guide you when it comes to appropriate parenting arrangements Parenting arrangements that prioritize the safety, the well-being and the best interests of your children, and that is your responsibility. No one is coming to save you. No one is going to swoop in and fix this for you. You are your children's last line of defense. You have to advocate for them. They need you, they need you to step up and you don't have to do this alone. As I said, this is something that I have a lot of experience with. So if you want support with putting in place appropriate parenting arrangements, if you're struggling with a former partner who's pushing for more parenting time, please reach out. Please book a free discovery call to have a chat with me to work out whether or not working with me going forward will help you. You can quickly and easily book a discovery call via my website, danielleblackcoachingcomau. You can also learn more on my website about the different ways in which you can work with me and how much that will cost going forward. And I can guarantee you that if you do choose to work with me going forward, this will be an investment in optimizing your outcome and the outcome for your kids, because they need you to step up for them right now.

Speaker 1: 17:14

It's common for controlling and abusive men to create enmeshed relationships with other people with partners, but also with their kids. An enmeshed relationship involves very vague or non-existent boundaries. In an enmeshed relationship with a controlling or abusive person, partners, former partners and children are expected to think, feel, believe and behave in ways that align with the needs and wants of the controlling person. In an enmeshed relationship, true independence on any level is not possible. Controlling abusers feel very threatened by boundaries of any kind and they tend to react badly if you attempt to create healthy, appropriate boundaries, or if the children attempt to create healthy, appropriate boundaries, or if the children attempt to create healthy, appropriate boundaries. Boundaries affect the control and the power of an abusive person. This triggers their deepest fears and anxieties, feelings of being seen to be inferior or weak feeling or being seen to be dominated by another person, feeling abandoned or rejected, feeling ignored. As I mentioned previously, a lot of this has roots from childhood, but again, it is so important that you are not feeling sorry for your former partner, looking at them as though they are still a child, but rather viewing them as they are a controlling and abusive man.

Speaker 1: 18:41

You can feel compassion for your former partner's struggles and for what he may have experienced in his childhood and in his life that has led to him having a particular personality that has led to him self-soothing by being controlling. You can have compassion regarding all of those sorts of things. However, you must behave in a way that prioritizes the needs, well-being, safety and best interests of your children. We can feel compassion for former partners, but we must behave in a way that prioritizes our kids. It's important to keep in mind that abuse and neglectful parenting is not always outwardly noticeable. It's common for children not to tell you, the safe parent, about their experiences. You must become an expert in your children's behavior and be on the lookout for things such as increased stress and anxiety that might manifest as difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, school avoidance, repeated stomach aches, headaches or not feeling well with there being no other known cause, changes in mood becoming unusually defiant those sorts of things.

Speaker 1: 20:02

Confusingly for many parents. Their children might seem to align themselves with the controlling or abusive parent and appear to be desperate to please him, even though they are being abused in some way. Important to note here that most family violence and most abuse and neglect towards children is not usually physical violence. It can be distressing to witness children aligning with controlling abusers, and it's something that my coaching clients sometimes choose to discuss with me in more detail during our coaching sessions. We can understand our children's behavior in aligning with a controlling parent in much the same way as we can understand the behavior of children at school aligning with a bully. It's just so much safer to be friends with the bully. Also, your children have grown up in an environment where they have witnessed you for many, many, many years walking on eggshells around your controlling former partner, giving in to his demands, appeasing him, taking on responsibility for his emotions, and this is learned. This is what our children learn from us when they grow up in these households. Your children have learned from you that the way to keep themselves safe is to keep dad happy. Whether your former partner's behavior is ever specifically directed at the children or not, abusing the mother of his children is one of the worst things a father can do for the well-being and overall development of children, including brain development.

Speaker 1: 21:41

Research also demonstrates that men who are abusive to their partners and former partners are many times more likely to be physically and or sexually abusive to their children than non-abusive men. In one study, around 50% of abusive men were found to be physically abusive to their children, compared to only around 7% of men who did not have a history of abuse towards their partner. Research has also found that abusive men are six times more likely to be sexually abusive to their children than men who did not have a history of partner abuse. Abusive men tend to view partners, former partners and children, including stepchildren, as possessions to exert control over, and they often demonstrate patterns of behavior that use children to meet their own needs. Please know that there is no evidence to suggest that the danger or potential harm to children reduces after a couple separates or divorces. Rather, the controlling abuser then often has time with the children without the protection provided by their mother. This is just one reason why it is so important to get the parenting arrangements right when you are preparing to leave a controlling person or a person who's abusive in other ways, and when you are in the early stages of separation.

Speaker 1: 23:10

Despite what they may say, controlling fathers are not motivated by genuine feelings of love towards their children. The way they experience love is not the way that you experience love. Controlling and abusive men tend to be heavily focused on their entitlements and their rights as a father, and they view their children as possessions or extensions of themselves. They can also be heavily motivated by revenge towards you. However, they might present well and they might talk very convincingly about the best interests of the children, it's important to remain assertive when discussing parenting plans and care arrangements and to seek specialized support. Again, this is something that I help clients with. This is something that I have a lot of experience with, professionally and personally.

Speaker 1: 24:04

It doesn't matter how many times you give in to the demands of your controlling ex. Their behavior is never going to consistently improve. Giving in to him is not going to encourage him to calm down or become reasonable, not long term. This is not a long term solution that is going to lead to anything positive for you or your kids. If anything, his behavior towards you will become worse if you adopt a passive stance, because he will see that his ongoing controlling and abusive behaviour is rewarded, because he ultimately gets what he wants, even after separation. What these men want what helps them to feel better is ultimate power and control over you and over any children that you share with him, and control over you and over any children that you share with him.

Speaker 1: 24:57

If this is something that you're struggling with, if this episode has raised concerns for you, please reach out to 1-800-RESPECT or another organization. There are phone numbers and links in the show notes. If you would like to work with me in a one-on-one capacity, if you need support strategically to help you plan separation or to help you take back your control as you're navigating separation, divorce and co-parenting, please reach out. Please head to my website, danielleblackcoachingcomau. Please book a free discovery call to have a chat with me, or you can book a one-off consultation. This can all be done quickly and easily from my website. This journey is not an easy one, but you don't have to do it alone. I'm here to support you, and so are the women in my Stronger, braver Together community. We are stronger and braver together. Thank you so much for your time. I'll talk to you soon.