Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi everyone, thanks for joining me on another episode of the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast. I'm your host, danielle Black. You might have noticed that last week there was no episode. I'm sorry if you were eagerly awaiting something new to drop. The truth is that I've been struggling a bit. Lately.

Speaker 1: 0:19

A close family member passed away and, as I'm sure you'll understand, that's been a lot to navigate, not only for me personally, but also in the sense that I've been supporting other members of my family with the loss of this person. I really wanted to be recording more episodes, episodes that I'd planned to record weeks previously, and I just didn't have the energy, I didn't have the capacity. I needed to take a bit of a break, and I wanted to share that with you, not only to explain my brief absence, but also because I think we need to normalize taking a break. We need to normalize stepping back from things that maybe we want to do, maybe that others want us to do, but that we just don't have the capacity for in that particular moment. It's so important to give ourselves that space when we feel that we need it, if it's possible for us to, and I recognize that I'm very fortunate in the sense that I am able to make space for myself, I am able to take time here and there when needed, and I'm so fortunate to be working with so many amazing clients who have been so incredibly understanding and supportive whilst my family and I have been navigating a really tough time, because it did involve me needing to block off days on my calendar. It did involve clients needing to be a little bit flexible for that period of time, and I'm so grateful for that flexibility and that understanding from my clients. So for those of you who are clients of mine, who are listening, thank you. Your understanding and also your kind and heartfelt words are just so greatly appreciated If you're struggling right now and if you do have the ability to take a little bit of time for yourself. Maybe not days at a time, maybe not weeks at a time, but taking time in a way that's possible for you is important. It doesn't mean that you're weak. It means that you're human. And taking time for ourselves, being able to fill our own cups so that we've then got something to give others, is just so important. And this journey is a hard one Navigating separation, divorce and co-parenting from a controlling person. It's a marathon, it's not a sprint. We have to take breaks along the way. We have to be able to recharge along the way.

Speaker 1: 2:43

So now getting back to our series on post-separation abuse. Hey, I'm Danielle Black and I'm the coach you need if you're dealing with post-separation abuse. I help you make sense of ongoing abusive behaviour after separation and help you take back your power and control. Let's go. You thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue.

Speaker 1: 3:20

The brief topic that I'd like to cover today is economic and financial abuse, something that occurs both during a relationship and also post-separation. This can look like preventing you from getting, keeping or advancing a career. This can manifest in a number of ways and it's not always obvious. For example, during the relationship, it can look like your partner taking on extra hours at work or getting a second job, doing overtime, whatever the case may be, maybe even doing hobbies Perhaps they've suddenly decided that they want to do a triathlon, or you get the idea In order to keep you at home looking after children, they can refuse to provide care for your children, thus preventing you from being able to go to work or to attend university TAFE, things like that. And that's some things that can occur during a relationship and also post-separation. Current partners and former partners might refuse to agree to regular and predictable care arrangements because they want to enjoy flexibility in their own life as well as make it difficult for you to make work commitments or really to just have a life at all. As much as it might seem good in theory to have flexible care arrangements, this is really a bad idea when your former partner is controlling or has been abusive in other ways. Please believe me when I say that the flexibility will be primarily for them and on their terms, and you will be the one expecting to cater to them and what they want, and there's going to be plenty of opportunities where they will not make themselves available when you need them to care for the children.

Speaker 1: 5:11

Flexible arrangements can also be confusing, disruptive and stressful for children. It is far better for children to have a predictable, consistent, stable routine. This helps kids to feel safe. Kids just do better with a stable, consistent, predictable routine. So if your former partner is trying to get you on board with a flexible arrangement that changes from one week to the next, please hold firm on saying no. Please put healthy boundaries in place regarding this. Please get some support when it comes to putting in place a stable, consistent and predictable routine for your children. If you need support with this, this is something that I help clients with on a regular basis. I understand what's developmentally appropriate and age appropriate for children when it comes to shared parenting arrangements, so please, if this is something that you need help with, jump on my website, danielleblackcoachingcomau, and let's have a chat.

Speaker 1: 6:17

Economic and financial abuse can also unfold with expecting you to be responsible for a significant percentage of household expenses when you are in a relationship For example, you paying for groceries, utility bills, perhaps a significant portion of mortgage payments or rent, school fees, etc. So as to reduce your disposable income and limit your capacity to save money or to support yourself and your children. This can be a very deliberate way that some men maintain the balance of financial power and control during a relationship and also post-separation. They don't want you doing well financially. You doing well financially threatens their control over you.

Speaker 1: 7:03

Financial hardship is one of the main reasons that many women stay in abusive relationships and return to abusive partners. After attempting to leave, former partners might instigate or continue court proceedings to drain your financial resources. This includes instructing lawyers to write numerous unnecessary letters or emails. Includes instructing lawyers to write numerous unnecessary letters or emails, or sometimes this can also look like refusing to acknowledge any of your correspondence, so that you're the one paying your lawyer to be sending numerous letters to the other side, all of which are being ignored. Controlling, high-conflict abusive people also have a tendency to change their legal representation several times throughout proceedings, and they can also resort to representing themselves. I will say here when it comes to legal proceedings, the worst combination is a controlling abuser that has access to money, whether they earn a significant income or because they've got the bank of mum and dad who are bankrollings a lawyer and the barrister. Either way, them having access to money can be a huge problem because things can drag on legally and in the court system for a really long time.

Speaker 1: 8:20

This is done deliberately to try and wear you down and to drain your financial resources, enmeshed, of course, with the fact that they feel entitled to what it is that they are seeking, and often are very focused on winning as opposed to being a reasonable human. And if you share children with this person, they are not focused on the best interests of the children. They are typically seeing the children as possessions or extensions of themselves. Even if they don't really enjoy parenting. They might enjoy parenting if they have an audience, so that they can tell people how wonderful they are or put on a good show. But most controlling men who are seeking significant amounts of time with children are not good parents, are not active parents are very disengaged, disinterested parents. It's not a relationship with the child that they're genuinely seeking. It's winning, it's hurting you and it's because they feel that they have a right to the child. As far as they're concerned, they own their children and having money complicates this process because they can drag this on for as long as possible.

Speaker 1: 9:27

Controlling and abusive former partners might sell assets of the relationship without your knowledge or transfer assets without your knowledge or consent. They might withhold child support. They might deliberately minimize their income, such as working for cash or reducing their working hours. All of this is a very deliberate attempt to reduce the amount of financial support they are required to provide for their children. It's important to note that they don't view child support as being money that they're contributing to support their children. They feel angry because they think that they're giving it to you and they maintain narratives in their mind that you're going off spending this money on getting your hair done or whatever the case may be. They may damage assets of the relationship or just not adequately maintain them. They might gatekeep your access to money and other assets of the relationship, particularly if there have been shared accounts, joint accounts. They can also stall on the sale of assets such as the family home, a business or another asset.

Speaker 1: 10:30

It's so very important that, if you haven't yet separated and you're in those planning stages, that you ensure that you have your own private bank account, preferably with a completely different bank than where you have the joint bank account, and that you start putting in some money in your own private bank account in your own name. If you don't have an independent source of income, now is the time to be thinking about how you could make that happen, relying on a controlling abuser for financial support. I know I don't have to tell you this is hugely problematic. They can and will use money to control you for as long as humanly possible.

Speaker 1: 11:07

Controlling an abusive former partner's might damage property of yours or the children. This can include your vehicle, household items and appliances, technological items such as iPads, computers, phones, that sort of thing, kids, toys, the family home, etc. They might refuse to contribute adequately to things like school fees, school uniforms, school camps and excursions, sporting fees, sporting equipment, sports uniform. They may lie about or hide assets of the relationship, including bank accounts, superannuation term deposits, shares, cryptocurrency or other investments, and they might drain shared bank accounts or other investments without your consent or without your input. I've had several clients who have had shared bank accounts with their former partner, only for their former partner, post-separation, to withdraw significant sums of money from those joint accounts. Now, all of this can be taken into account, of course, when we're talking about a financial separation. It's easy to trace this stuff usually, but that doesn't take away the fact that you might be in significant financial hardship in the moment when that's happening. The legal process is slow Controlling abusers who do this. They know exactly what they're doing. They're doing it to hurt you. They know that if you don't have access to money that you are just so much easier to control.

Speaker 1: 12:32

If this is something that you're struggling with, please don't hesitate to reach out. You can quickly and easily book a free discovery call to have a chat with me via my website, danielleblackcoachingcomau. From there, we can discuss whether or not working with me going forward will be the right fit for you and for your situation. There's also a lot of information about working with me on my website, including information about one-off consultations and also a coaching package. A coaching package provides you with a certain number of one-on-one private coaching sessions, as well as complimentary access to the group membership that I've created. That comes complete with an app. All of that information and more can be found on my website again, danielleblakecoachingcomau. Thank you so much for your time. I'll talk to you soon.