Speaker 1: 0:00

Let's talk about DAVO. Davo is an acronym for deny, attack, reverse, victim and defender. The acronym DAVO was first used by psychologist Jennifer Freid I think that's how you pronounce her surname F-R-E-Y-D. And DAVO is a common manipulation strategy that is used by abusers Controlling an. Abusive. People use DAVO to avoid accountability, to undermine the credibility of their victim and as a means to continue abusing and controlling their victim. The D in DAVO stands for deny.

Speaker 1: 0:50

The high conflict abusive person denies or minimizes any wrongdoing. Your reality is dismissed, disallowed and denied. This is one of the most disorienting and psychologically damaging aspects of communicating and interacting on any level with an abusive controlling person. Not only is the reality of your experience denied by the abuser. As far as they're concerned, you have no right whatsoever to your own perception, opinion or even emotions. When you're dealing with an abusive person, only one reality or perception of events or even emotions is acceptable to them, and that's theirs their reality, their perception of events, their emotions. That's D that stands for deny. Now we'll move on to A in the acronym DAVO, and the A stands for attack.

Speaker 1: 2:03

The abusive person attacks you. Abusive people often retaliate when they feel that you've questioned their superiority or you've just simply dared to assert yourself, set boundaries or call attention to their harmful and hurtful behavior. Underneath the superior facade, abusers can often have a fragile ego and a low sense of self-esteem and self-worth. To make up for this, they try to maintain a sense, or a mask, of superiority For the survival of that part of themselves. They try to maintain that at all times and in order to maintain that sense of superiority, this means that other people have to be made to be inferior. It's also often not enough for them to simply deny wrongdoing. They feel the need to punish you for daring to question their ultimate authority. They're prone to overreacting. They tend to not be able to manage their own emotions. They can be very, very easily upset. They tend to see even the most innocent remark as being criticism. They can also resort to physical violence as part of this attack.

Speaker 1: 3:28

So to set the scene a little bit here for you, so let's just say there's been an argument, you've called them out on something, they've said something hurtful to you, or they said they were going to do something and they didn't. You raise this with them. They will start off with the denial I never said that. I never said that I would do that. That didn't ever happen. You're crazy. There's something really wrong with your memory. Maybe you need to go and see a doctor.

Speaker 1: 3:59

Okay, that's the denial, and we're starting to go into the attack phase here, which can then get even greater. There could be yelling, swearing, name-calling. How dare you? How dare you say that to me? You're always accusing me of things that aren't true.

Speaker 1: 4:16

So the situation's gone from them, having done something they shouldn't or said something they shouldn't, or just not following through with something, to denial of the situation, denial of your reality, and then turning the situation back in terms of an attack on to you. Then we move from here again. This sort of segues smoothly into the letters RVO in the acronym DAVO, which stand for reverse victim and offender. So the abuser then moves into portraying you as being the perpetrator, along with minimizing and denying their own behavior and creating a narrative that they are in fact the real victim. So your reality has been denied, you've been attacked, and now a new reverse narrative has been created by the abuser in which you, the true victim, are actually portrayed as being the offender.

Speaker 1: 5:13

This narrative will be told strategically to anyone who will listen, sometimes by an abusive person, and it's a way for an abusive person to maintain power and control over you by undermining your credibility with others and further isolating you from anyone who might otherwise provide you with support, such as family and friends.

Speaker 1: 5:35

This includes your family and friends, as well as the abuser's family and friends, even professionals such as doctors, police, anyone else in the community. No one is off limits to an abusive person and the harm that they can cause with their pathological lies and reverse, false narratives and manipulation. That should never be underestimated. Part of my role in working with clients is about helping them to navigate situations of DAVO. One of those is to ensure that the vast majority of all communication is kept in writing. This is particularly important if you are co-parenting with someone who is controlling or abusive in other ways. The importance of communication being kept in writing is something that we'll explore further in other episodes, but just to recap, davo is a process that abusers use to avoid accountability, to undermine your credibility, to shift the blame and to continue abusing and controlling you.