43. Not Your F*cking Job

This bonus episode is a bit out of character for me. I'm recording this at 8.24am and we'll be putting it out this same day, which is not my usual approach with podcast episodes. Usually, the approach that I have is to have a number of episodes already in the can, so to speak, scheduled to go out on particular dates. I felt compelled to record this this morning, even though a scheduled episode has already gone out today, because I'm feeling all kinds of things about what's going on at the moment in this country, in Australia, regarding men's use of violence. This week I've been having a lot of conversations with clients about their own personal experiences and the way in which we feel that the responses from the government, from the police, are just so inadequate. They are just so inadequate, and I know there are some who will say that we should be grateful that there's more support apparently that is going to be given to assist women to leave abusive relationships, but what's being done about the abusers? I feel like again we're putting this on women. Where's the support to help women stay in the home and get a controlling abuser the fuck out? Where's that?

I work with so many women, helping them to plan separations carefully and in so many of those situations, controlling partners refuse to go because they don't want the relationship to end. They just think that by saying no, I'm not going, that they get to keep their partner, somebody who they treat like a servant. And in the majority of these cases police want nothing to do with it. Because the reality is that the majority of family violence does not include physical abuse. It always involves coercive control. But so much violence from men, so much abuse from men is not physical in nature. I have so many clients who are saying to me that they just wish their partner would hit them so that then somebody would take them seriously, so that somebody then might help them to get him out of their home. Women want to be able to put an end to a controlling relationship without having to leave their own home, without having to take their children out of that home. I work with women who have neurodiverse kids. They have nowhere to go with their children. Their children need stability, predictability, consistency and honestly. All children deserve that. Whether we're talking neurodiverse or neurotypical, all children deserve that. Why are women the ones who need to leave? Understandably, there are women who want to leave, and having support to do that is so very important, but it should not be the responsibility of the woman to have to leave her own home, to have to take her children out of that space and allow a controlling abuser to stay there.

There's so much to this that the government is not addressing and if I have to hear the Victorian police commissioner talk about how wonderful Vicpol is again, I probably will vomit. Honestly, just yesterday I was talking to clients who had experienced ongoing trauma because of their involvement with police, to the point that I had several conversations with women whose former partners had breached intervention orders and they were contacted by police officers and essentially shamed. Yes, you heard that right. The victims, the victim survivors, were shamed because apparently, their former partners are just so sad. He just wants to see the kids, is it true? Is it true that you're not even communicating to him about the kids? Is that true, for fuck's sake?

We are talking about men who are controlling, who are abusive, where there are intervention orders in place, where they are not supposed to be initiating any contact with their victims, and yet when they do, when they breach those orders, there are police officers who are colluding with the victim. Narrative of the perpetrator oh, he's so sad. Fuck off. It is not a woman's job to make a man feel better. If you're listening to this, if you are a victim survivor, who is listening to this? If you have been shamed by anyone whether it's your abuser, police, friends, family members if you have been shamed by anyone into feeling that you are responsible for your abuser's emotions, please know his emotions are not your fucking job. That is not on you. He is a grown man. He is a grown man and to anyone who is putting responsibility for an abuser's emotions onto a victim, you should be ashamed. It is a disgrace. Now I know that there are so many fantastic police officers in Victoria and around the country. I know that but there are also many who have very, very problematic misogynistic values, beliefs and attitudes about women and the role of women. With the women who I spoke to yesterday who had these horrific, re-traumatizing experiences with police officers, they should be able to trust that when they are reporting a breach of an intervention order, they should be able to trust that the police officer that they speak with is going to prioritize holding the perpetrator to account, not colluding with with the perpetrator's victim narrative. That is what we've got going on here and it is showing up in so many different systems and institutions, and I'm not even going to get started on lawyers and the court system.

I'm feeling all the things today. I'm feeling so angry on behalf of my clients who have had those experiences this week. I'm feeling so angry on behalf of all women in this country who have experienced that same treatment and who will in future, because these values, attitudes and beliefs, they don't change easily. They don't change easily and I feel at a real loss as to whether there is even any incentive from anywhere to do something about this problem. I feel angry on behalf of victim survivors and I feel frightened for my daughter. I feel so scared for her, so scared that if she ever ends up in a relationship with a controlling person, with an abusive person, can she count on law enforcement to help her? Or are they going to collude with the victim narrative of the abuser? Would they hold her responsible for the fact that the abuser's sad?

There is something really fucking wrong in this country and I've got no doubt that the people who hold women responsible for the feelings, for the emotions of abusers I'm sure most of those people don't consider themselves part of the problem, but they are. They are a huge part of the problem because as long as these men can find someone to collude with them, can find a supportive ear, where is the incentive to change? Where is the incentive to develop any insight? Where is the ability to connect the dots between their controlling and abusive behaviour and the results that they see in their life? The women I work with who have had to take intervention orders out on their former partners did so because they were so frightened of somebody who they once loved, someone who they thought once loved them.

It's the behaviour of these men that is the problem, and yet the responsibility is consistently being put back onto victim-survivors. Oh, he's just sad. Oh he's just lonely. Oh, he just wants to see his kids. Fuck that.

I'm sure these men are feeling sad and lonely. They're emotionally immature. I've got no doubt they need support and they should have that support. But it is absolutely never the responsibility of a partner or a former partner to provide that support when there has been elements of control or abuse in that relationship. If you're in a relationship with a controlling abuser, or if you have managed to leave a relationship from a controlling abuser, if you have moments of feeling guilty, of feeling shame, of feeling that you're responsible for the fact that he might be lonely or sad or missing the kids, or if there are other people in your world who are encouraging you to feel that way, who are gaslighting you, who are distorting your reality, who are supporting who are gaslighting you, who are distorting your reality, who are supporting, enabling and advocating for your abuser, who are making you feel as though you somehow owe something to your abuser because he's sad. Please know it is not your fucking job.