19. Exploring stress and overwhelming emotions after separation

Speaker 0: 0:00

Hi everyone, thanks for joining me on today's episode of the post-separation abuse podcast. This week I've been talking about the importance of taking back control of your well-being, and the first episode this week was all about self-care and some of those foundational things that we can do to help set ourselves up for success. It's important that we get some of those foundational things in place before we start dealing with some of the bigger things. Today I'm going to talk about some of those bigger things, specifically managing anxiety and stress when you're navigating separation, divorce and co-parenting, particularly if you're still having to manage the behavior of a high conflict ex-partner, a controlling ex-partner, perhaps a partner who is continuing to bombard you with various forms of post-separation abuse. The reality of any journey when your ex-partner is controlling or abusive in other ways is that it is going to be stressful at times. That's just the reality. Not all the time will it be stressful, but definitely sometimes, particularly if you and your ex-partner end up going through the court system. There can also be times of intense anxiety and even fear. Stress, anxiety, fear none of those things feel great. It's common to have an urge to push against those uncomfortable feelings or to push them down, to cover them up, to cover them up with things like over exercising, overeating, overspending, scrolling mindlessly on social media. There are all kinds of things that we can do to dissociate ourselves from what's really going on and from some of those overwhelming feelings. Or we might also be in a position where those feelings, those emotions, take over. Maybe we get stuck in a trap of overthinking, of following our most anxious and fearful thoughts wherever they lead us down. That what if? Rabbit hole, imagining the worst Feelings of stress, anxiety, fear all the things can significantly impact our lives in a negative way if we let them. How we manage these feelings, how we manage our stress, how we manage uncomfortable thoughts and emotions can also significantly impact our children and also can impact our overall court outcome if our case proceeds to court. I would even go so far as to say that not appropriately managing our thoughts, our emotions and our actions can also negatively impact our outcome, even if our situation doesn't go to court. Feelings of stress, anxiety, fear if those things are not appropriately managed, those things can also negatively impact your outcome at mediation. It doesn't have to be in the court system for you to end up with an outcome that you later on perceive as being negative that you later on regret, and unfortunately that's far more common than it should be.

Speaker 0: 3:34

The reality is that when we've been in a relationship with someone who's controlling or abusive in other ways, we develop various strategies for coping with their behavior, for managing their emotions, for dealing with the fact that they tend to have a need to be in control. A lot of the time, they can feel very entitled to that control and they tend to blame everybody else for their intense emotions and really make everybody else around them responsible for their emotions. When you're living in that environment, it's really common to develop various strategies, including simply just giving in, acquiescing to all of the demands. You will have likely heard the term walking on eggshells. So you learn to modify your own behavior, and our kids learn this as well. Everyone in the family usually modifies their behavior so as to not aggravate the person who's controlling, to not aggravate or upset the person who is incapable of appropriately managing their emotions, the person who is emotionally immature and holds everybody else responsible for their negative emotions.

Speaker 0: 4:53

Unfortunately, when you come out of a relationship like that, those same dynamics of the relationship don't go away. They have become ingrained, they have become a well worn path in your brain for how to manage interactions with this person. And attempting to do anything different, attempting to even put in place some healthy boundaries with a controlling, abusive person, can lead to your nervous system being activated. Your amygdala, the part of your brain responsible for that fight, flight faint, freeze for response. So your survival response, that can be activated simply at the very thought of putting boundaries in place, simply at the thought of advocating for yourself or your children. So you can see here how a mediation situation, if you have not reflected upon or sought support in recognizing, addressing and changing the dynamics of the relationship, of the way in which you communicate with your ex because, again, as I've said in previous episodes, we can't control the behavior of anybody else in case you haven't heard me say this before, I'll say it again here now your ex partner is never going to change. That's a big statement. I usually don't speak in such black and white terms, but when we're talking about controlling and abusive people, I do feel fairly confident in stating that they are never going to change and you can't pin your happiness on them ever changing their behavior. What needs to change is your behavior and the way you actually relate to them your line in the sand, what you're prepared to tolerate, and that's really difficult to change on your own without support.

Speaker 0: 6:52

A big part of the work that I do is supporting clients to put in place appropriate boundaries and to actually reinforce those boundaries, to maintain those boundaries. Without that, you're very likely to acquiesce to demands in mediation that you later regret, that you later realize were not fair or equitable. And if we're talking about parenting arrangements that you later realize were not actually in the best interests of your children. And the same can occur in the court process, because very few matters that enter the court system progress all the way to a final trial. The vast majority are settled before that point by consent and unfortunately, a lot of women who have experienced control and other forms of abuse and who are still operating with the same dynamics of acquiescing to demands, of giving into demands, will often consent to parenting orders that are actually not in the best interest of the kids.

Speaker 0: 7:55

So when I'm talking about the importance of managing stress, managing anxiety, managing overwhelming emotions, I'm not just referring to the fact that stress and anxiety and big emotions make you feel like crap which they do and so being able to manage those things in a healthier, more mature, proactive way is obviously important, because you can then feel better, but it's a fundamental part of unpacking the dynamics that exist between you and your ex partner, and this is so crucially important if you are going to be required to co parent with them in any particular way, shape or form. Something that I'm often talking about with clients, in both one on one private coaching, but also in our group coaching sessions, is the fact that, whilst we're not responsible for the trauma that we've experienced, for the harm, for the abuse that we've experienced, we are the ones who are solely responsible for doing something about it. Our abusive ex partners have no role to play in our healing journey, and anyone who spends any length of time hoping, waiting For the ex to change in order for themselves to start feeling better, I'm here to tell you now you are wasting your time, and I know that may be really hard to hear. Part of my role as a coach is to be supportive with my clients, but it's also to be honest, and I'm bringing that honesty here to you. The way that I present On these podcast episodes, the things that I say, the words that I'm using.

Speaker 0: 9:42

This is me. You're not getting a stylized version of me. This is me. These are the conversations that I have on a daily basis with my clients, and it can be hard. It can be hard to hear things because they're uncomfortable. It can be hard to hear that the controlling and abusive person that you're in a relationship with, that, that enduring pattern of their behavior, is a reflection of their personality, is a reflection of their values, their attitudes, their beliefs, their enduring behavior patterns, including the desire to maintain ultimate parent control. This is very often a core part of who they are. It's not going to change. Our kids are still dealing with this, if our children are spending any time with them, and we're still dealing with this, and it can be better, but not because of anything that they do, because of the things that we can do on our end. That's what coaching is all about. It's about recognizing the things that are on your side of the street. It's about focusing on the things that you can control and the things that you have some degree of power and influence over, instead of wasting time by focusing on the behavior of the other person and to segue off track for a moment.

Speaker 0: 11:11

This is one of the reasons why I have a huge issue with abusive people being referred to often as narcissists or as having a personality disorder. Some abusers absolutely do have a personality disorder. Approximately 10 to 15% of the adult population has personality traits consistent with one or more personality disorders. But most abusers don't have a personality disorder, and I think part of the issue with talking about personality disorders and creating a trend where all abusers are referred to as narcissists it can then lead to a situation where a victim then goes down the rabbit hole of investigating narcissism and potentially other personality disorders and then trying to completely diagnose their ex. Oh, they're a covert narcissist, they're a grandiose narcissist, and you know what? For the majority of it, it's a complete, total waste of time. Part of my role is about profiling the personality of abusers for the purposes of risk management and strategy when we're preparing for things like mediation and court proceedings.

Speaker 0: 12:25

But beyond that, I don't recommend you go down the rabbit hole of this. You are never going to find the answers that you're looking for. They haven't targeted you because there's something wrong with you. You don't have a flashing light on your head or a flag or anything that's attracting personality disorder people or abusive people. Rather, you likely just tolerated behaviour for a length of time that other people didn't tolerate. If you stay focused on your ex rather than reflecting within, there's a really good chance that you will end up in another abusive relationship. If you tolerated bad behaviour, bad treatment, emotional immaturity, if you tolerated all of that once, there's a reason for that and there's a really good chance that you will tolerate it again. And that's another part of my role in working with clients helping them to unpack why they tolerated that particular behaviour and helping to ensure that they don't tolerate that again. And that can include ensuring that they're aware of red flags if and when they decide to date again. And I realise we've segwayed a little bit off topic here, and yet you know, I think it's all relevant.

Speaker 0: 13:40

It's all really related to managing anxiety and stress, to managing your emotions appropriately, and, as I touched on earlier, your stress and anxiety can and will negatively impact your kids if you don't take steps to manage it in a healthy way. Your kids need you to look after yourself and to take your mental, emotional, physical, psychological health seriously. Another important reason to be getting high quality support with those things is that, very predictably, abusers and anyone who has high conflict personality traits will often attack your mental, emotional and psychological health as part of their strategy. So this means that looking after your mental, emotional and psychological health isn't just good for you and your kids for practical day-to-day reasons, but as far as I'm concerned, it also needs to be an important part of your strategic approach, especially if legal proceedings have already commenced in your situation or if you suspect that it's possible that they will commence at some point in time, perhaps because you and your ex-partner share very different views on what's appropriate for a financial settlement or for parenting arrangements. Managing stress and anxiety also makes sense, just purely for our physical health. Research shows that elevated stress over a period of time leads to inflammation in our body and can result in long-lasting physical harm, including contributing to autoimmune diseases, weight gain, type 2 diabetes, heart disease and cancer. So if you've been neglecting your mental and emotional health recently, if you're struggling to deal with the reality of separating and or co-parenting with a controlling, abusive person, this is a reminder. This is a reminder to bring your focus within and to seek support Now.

Speaker 0: 15:45

For some people touching base with their GP, getting a referral for a psychologist therapist, counselor will be an appropriate step. That's not the right step for everyone. If you're feeling very emotionally triggered and you're struggling with day-to-day activities, you're struggling to get out of bed, you're struggling to work, you're just simply struggling to get through the day most days, then that's where that form of intense therapy might be needed. If that's not you, if you are able to function okay day-to-day, and if you're not finding yourself overwhelmingly triggered all the time, then coaching could be the right path for you, particularly if you've got upcoming mediation, if you're in the middle of legal proceedings or if you think that legal proceedings could be possible in your situation. Some of my clients are currently working with a therapist, psychologist or counselor in addition to working with me, because, whilst there are some crossovers between coaching and other forms of therapy, my specialist form of coaching is very solution focused and strategic when it comes to helping my clients optimize their ultimate outcome, particularly when we're talking about parenting arrangements, and those are things that therapists and psychologists typically don't have much understanding of and typically aren't able to guide you on. This is where it's important to ensure that you're choosing to work with people based on what's in their toolbox, based on what skill set they have. What are the things within their wheelhouse?

Speaker 0: 17:33

Just before we wrap up, I'd like to share with you some tips for helping you to manage your stress and anxiety, and there's four core strategies, in no particular order. The first core strategy is techniques that are about centering your attention, so to help minimize or neutralize anxiety, it can help to use techniques that are designed to focus your attention away from anxious thoughts, so that can include things like meditation, perhaps guided meditation, breathing techniques, visualization all of those sorts of things. The second core strategy is to do with expression and creativity to channel your anxious thoughts or feelings in a more productive way, such as working on an art project, drawing, journaling, working out, working outside in the garden. The third core strategy is to explore and reflect, so to monitor when anxiety arises and to become increasingly aware of the things that trigger your anxiety, to reflect on those things, and you can encourage that reflection by trying some strategies designed to enhance that self-observation. So checking in and monitoring yourself, communication, whether with someone like me, a coach, or with a therapist, journaling can play a part here too. The fourth core strategy is healthy lifestyle values, and this links in really nicely with what was discussed in the episode earlier this week Focusing your attention towards healthy habits, nutrition, adequate sleep, hydration we can also put exercise into this and also relationships connecting with people that are close to us.

Speaker 0: 19:31

So there's some tips that can help you on your journey of managing your anxiety and stress. But again, as I say in many episodes, in my view this is not a journey that we're designed to walk alone. We are stronger and braver together. Every time I have a one-on-one private coaching call with a client, I'm reminded of that fact. Every time I host a group coaching session with a group of other amazing women, I'm reminded of that fact. We are so much stronger and braver together. If you're navigating this alone, I really encourage you to reach out. You won't regret it. Thanks so much for your time. I'll talk to you soon.