40. Part 1 - Post-Separation Abuse Unpacked: Using systems and institutions

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hi, thanks for joining me on another episode of the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast. Thank you for those of you who are new listeners, and thank you for those of you who are regular listeners, tuning in every time a new episode is released. Thank you so much. I appreciate your support. Thank you also to all the women who have shared with me just how much they've been enjoying the podcast, including some women who have told me in the past few days that they have binge listened to every episode before booking their discovery call. I really love hearing your feedback, so please keep it coming.

Speaker 1: 0:40

In today's episode, I want to start talking about post-separation abuse and the different types of post-separation abuse, going a little bit more in depth with the different ways that post-separation abuse can manifest. So this will be a series of episodes covering the different forms of post-separation abuse. Importantly, I'm not going to be covering absolutely everything there is to cover when it comes to post-separation abuse, but what I do want to do is cover the ways in which post-separation abuse most often shows up. In this episode today, I'll be talking about the way in which perpetrators use systems and institutions as part of their campaign of post-separation abuse. Before we get into the nitty-gritty of that. What I do want to reiterate is that post-separation abuse has always been preceded by some form of family violence. There's prior coercive control and it's worth noting that where there has been one form of family violence, there's usually multiple forms of family violence. There's prior coercive control, prior emotional and psychological abuse, prior intimidation, prior use of male entitlement and privilege, prior denying, blaming and minimizing, prior financial abuse and, in some cases, prior physical violence. But it is worth noting that the vast majority of family violence and post-separation abuse is not physical.

Speaker 1: 2:21

After separation, family violence morphs into post-separation abuse and often involves an unrelenting focus on the protective parent, ongoing intimidation and harassment, attempts to isolate the protective parent, intrusive communication, allegations of withholding, gatekeeping or alienation when protective parents try to shield the children, and it's important that we're aware that this is underpinned by a desire to gain and maintain power and control. I know I've said a few times in various podcast episodes that most abusers do not have a personality disorder, but I'll say it again here Most abusers do not have a personality disorder and it's possible to have traits consistent with one or more personality disorders and not have a mental illness or a personality disorder. It is possible for someone to be very narcissistic, for someone to be grandiose, for someone to be very entitled and not have a personality disorder. It's really important that we're aware of that. Far too many women in particular assume their former partner must have some form of mental illness or personality disorder because of the level of entitlement of their ex-partner, because of the unrelenting focus from their former partner, because of the desire to maintain that power and control and the links that they will go to. And what we need to understand is that these are the hallmarks of entitled, abusive men. It's not necessary to have a personality disorder to display those behaviors. This is what underpins all male violence. This is what underpins all men's choice to abuse.

Speaker 1: 4:17

Now on to the way in which perpetrators of family violence and post-separation abuse will attempt to utilise systems and institutions, and this can be referred to as systems abuse, legal abuse, institutional abuse. You get the idea. There can be threats of court action when the protective parent maintains healthy boundaries and when the protective parent does not comply with the demands of the ex-partner, the abusive former partner may make false reports to child protection, to police and to other people. Now they could be things that are initiated by the abusive former partner, a situation where there hasn't been police involvement or hasn't been the involvement of child protection, but the abuser will initiate contact with those organisations to make false reports. There are also situations where the protective parent may notify those organisations. So child protection police or an outside professional person or organisation may initiate a report with those professionals and the abuser will lie and create a false narrative that either they're the victim or that they're worried about the safety of the child with the other parent. They'll make false accusations about the protective parent's mental health, about the stability of their mental health. They may manufacture physical violence that has occurred to them or significantly exaggerate arguments or altercations with the protective parent in an attempt to get child protection police, whoever it is, to focus the attention on the protective parent as being the problem.

Speaker 1: 6:08

Commonly there's a false narrative that the abuser is the victim and there's an intent to shift focus and blame onto the protective parent. There can be a disregard for agreements, parenting plans and even parenting orders. They may pursue changes to parenting plans or parenting orders Now. This can be because they feel entitled to potentially more time with the children, for example, but they also often want to just simply keep engaging with the protective parent, whether the attention from the protective parent is positive or negative. Abusers want the attention Attention equals control they want to maintain their role as the puppet master.

Speaker 1: 6:57

Other ways in which abusers perpetrate systems abuse and legal abuse is that they tend to have a propensity for seeking equal shared parenting time sometimes referred to as 50-50 parenting time despite the best interests of the children and even in the absence of any genuine interest in the children or any genuine display of wanting a connection with the kids. And you'll know that there's a problem with the motivations of the abusive parent seeking such a significant amount of parenting time, because these people have often been very disinterested parents during the course of the relationship, with the exception of sometimes liking to put on a bit of a show of how wonderful they are when there's an audience, so an outsider might have a positive view of that person as a great parent. But the reality behind closed doors is often very, very different, and this is where we need to be questioning the motivations of people in this case abusers who are seeking such a significant amount of parenting time. Oftentimes this is related to wanting to reduce child support obligations, to wanting to be able to control the children. This is because abusive people, specifically abusive men, controlling men, tend to view their children as possessions or extensions of themselves. And it's not that they don't love their children I'm sure these men think that they do. The problem is that their experience of love, their perspective of love, their view of love is twisted. It's enmeshed with themes of control. Enmeshed with themes of control, of ownership, of dominance, of possession, those sorts of things, and that's a problem. That's not someone who is a good father, that is not someone who genuinely has the best interests of children at heart and that is not someone who children should be spending significant time with, especially not in a week about or equal shared basis.

Speaker 1: 9:16

Threats of court are really, really common, particularly either leading up to separation, when there's just been those initial conversations, there can be threats of oh, you'll get nothing, you'll get nothing and I'll be entitled to 50% of the care time with the kids. I know my rights, you know blah, blah, blah. Or soon after separation. So when you're trying to come to an agreement about a financial settlement or about a parenting plan, whether they've genuinely had legal advice or not, they will say that they have. And even if they have, they will give you a very skewed version.

Speaker 1: 10:00

So controlling abusers tend to pick out information that they're given from lawyers that suits themselves, and we've also got to keep in mind that they usually have not given the lawyer the full picture, the full scenario. They've told the lawyer their narrative. They have not turned up to the lawyer's office saying, hey, I've been perpetrating family violence for the past decade. What can I expect in terms of parenting orders if this goes to court, or what is in the best interests of our children post-separation? This is not what your former partner is saying to the lawyer. They will have a particular narrative, likely one that frames themselves as being the victim and you as being unreasonable or mentally unstable or trying to take the kids away. You get the idea.

Speaker 1: 10:52

The lawyer will then provide them with information based on that and then that is then what your former partner will use to frighten you. I know my rights. I've spoken to a lawyer. I know what I'll get if this goes to court. You should just agree now, etc. You get the idea and unfortunately, this tactic often works. It's scary. It can lead women to think that, well, hey, maybe he has got legal advice and if that's what he's been told, then maybe that's correct. Maybe I should really just be giving in now, because I don't want to get in trouble by the judge. I don't want to get in trouble throughout this court process or have to spend lots of money that I might not even have and potentially end up with that outcome anyway. So it's worth keeping in mind that whatever your former partner tells you about what they've been told to take it with a grain of salt Legal letters can also be part of this process.

Speaker 1: 11:57

So former partners getting their lawyers to send you letters that frankly, you know I'm going to use the word threatening because when they keep using phrases like our client has provided instructions to initiate court proceedings if you don't blah, blah, blah, that's a threat. Come on, that is threatening. I'm so angry on behalf of the women who receive legal letters like that. I received legal letters like that and it's horrible and they are threatening and they are coercive. They are coercive. They are designed to scare women into providing a certain amount of parenting time, regardless of whether or not that parenting time is in the child's best interests, regardless of whether or not that parenting time is in the child's best interests, regardless of whether or not that parenting time is safe.

Speaker 1: 12:49

And I think in a country where family violence is so prevalent, in a country where post-separation abuse is so prevalent, in a country where so many women are being killed on a regular basis by partners or former partners, the fact that there are lawyers who just simply take the word of a man that walks in about what the situation is, the fact that there are lawyers who would just believe what comes out of this man's mouth regarding his situation and put things in a letter to his former partner based on that, it's beyond belief. It is abuse. It is legal abuse, it is systems abuse. There are men who will utilize the court process for as long as they possibly can to claw whatever parenting time they possibly can, all the way to a final trial and beyond. That is legal abuse, that is systems abuse. There are also men who refuse to engage in the process. So if we're talking about financial separation, men who refuse to provide disclosure. They just point blank refuse. They refuse to participate in the process. They might refuse to obtain a lawyer, just simply refuse to engage with you in any way, shape or form, to frustrate you and so that they can maintain that power and control, so that they can drag things out, knowing that you're going to be spending your hard-earned money attempting to get them to participate in the process.

Speaker 1: 14:18

This is also abuse, something to be aware of. Particularly because you're listening to this podcast, and especially if you are one of my clients, you are likely going to have a much greater understanding of the nuances of family violence and post-separation abuse than any other professional that you work with. So don't assume that your lawyer understands what you mean by legal abuse. Don't assume that your barrister understands. Don't assume that your psychologist or counsellor understands. You may need to very clearly articulate what you have experienced from your former partner. You will likely need to provide very specific examples to paint that picture, and learning to do that is a really important skill. This is something that I support my clients with in their work with me if that's something that we decide will be important in them optimizing their overall outcome.

Speaker 1: 15:21

Now, the things that I've mentioned in this episode are not a complete list of legal abuse, systems abuse or the way in which perpetrators can utilize systems and institutions to continue their reign of terror. However, I hope you've gained some further insight into that topic. Join me next week as I cover other aspects of post-separation abuse and some other ways in which controlling former partners attempt to continue to gain and maintain control. If you're struggling right now with a former partner, or if you're someone who's contemplating separation and would like some specialised support with what it is that you're navigating, please head to my website, danielleblackcoachingcomau. Please book a free 30-minute discovery call to have a chat with me. Please also take the time to have a look around on my website, including the areas where I talk about the different ways in which you can work with me and the costs involved with that. There's also other information on my website regarding high conflict personalities and post-separation abuse. Thank you so much for your time. I'll talk to you soon.