38. Empowering our kids: Nurturing consent and personal boundaries

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi, thanks for joining me on another episode of the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast. I'm your host, danielle Black, specialist Australian Separation, divorce and Co-Parenting Coach. In the past few episodes I've been talking about the importance of boundaries, how to set and maintain boundaries. In today's episode, what I'd like to talk about is how we can help our children understand boundaries and to begin to set their own healthy boundaries, modelled by us and supported by us.

Speaker 1: 0:36

My early childhood was in the 80s and for anyone who also grew up during the 80s, you might resonate with my story. I was not encouraged to set and maintain healthy boundaries as a child. Rather, I learned that it was my job to put the needs of other people first, that my emotions that other people didn't like were something to feel ashamed of, something that needed to be pushed down. I learned that my worth came from focusing on the needs of others, pleasing others. I learned to primarily care more about what someone else thought of me than what I thought of myself. So much of my journey post-separation has been rediscovering myself, who I am, what I like, what I don't like, what I feel about certain things, setting and creating healthy boundaries. In doing that, I'm modelling that for my children and I'm also encouraging my children to set and maintain the boundaries that I was not supported to set and maintain when I was a child. I don't want my children ending up in a controlling, abusive relationship. I don't want my children being okay in the presence of someone who stomps all over their needs, emotions and boundaries. That's not what I want for my kids and I'm sure that's not what you want for your kids either. And it starts with us. I'm so glad that you're here with me for this conversation. Hey, I'm Danielle Black and I'm the coach you need if you're dealing with post-separation abuse. I help you make sense of ongoing abusive behaviour after separation and help you take back your power and control. Let's go. You thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue.

Speaker 1: 2:40

The first step in helping our children to understand healthy boundaries and to support them to children to understand healthy boundaries and to support them to set their own healthy boundaries is for them to see us setting healthy boundaries, for them to see us modelling that behaviour. And that can begin, firstly and foremostly, in parenting, in reflecting on what boundaries we set for our children with our parenting, keeping in mind that it's our kids' job really to be exploring boundaries and even to be pushing up against them, to challenge them. When we push up against a boundary in childhood, that's how we work out how boundaries work and whether or not they're actually firm, you know, are they a boundary that that person is prepared to maintain? So, for example, if our child asks for something in particular or wants to do something in particular and we say no, our children will often push up against that. They're testing that and that's a very normal part of childhood. So it's important to acknowledge that that's normal and it's important that we understand that. This is part of the process in which our children are learning about boundaries and it's helpful to reflect upon whether or not we hold firm to boundaries that we set with our children. So if we've said no to them having something or doing something and if they push against that, perhaps they're unhappy. Perhaps they tell us that we're the worst parent in the world. Perhaps they tell us that their friend's parents are so much cooler you get the idea. Or maybe with a younger child, there's a really big tantrum. Reflect upon whether or not we hold firm in those situations or do we give in. These are the first instances in which our children are learning about boundaries and learning about whether or not they can override boundaries with particular behavior.

Speaker 1: 4:55

One of the ways that we teach our children about healthy boundaries and about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is to make an effort to maintain the boundaries that we have with them. And, as I'm sure you can understand, it's really confusing for kids if we're inconsistent with our boundary setting, if we tell them no, they can't have or do something. But then, when there's a tantrum or when they're clearly upset, if we then give in and change our minds, what we're communicating to them is that boundaries change, that us having boundaries is inconsistent, that we don't mean what we say. The boundaries that we set with our children and for our children is part of how we show them how to set and maintain healthy boundaries with other people. Something that can help us to ensure that we're consistent with setting and maintaining boundaries in our parenting is to make sure that we're setting boundaries appropriately. Sometimes we can be inconsistent with boundaries because, instead of it actually being a healthy boundary, instead it's a threat If you don't do what you're told right now, you're not having any technology for a week, making comments like that in the heat of the moment because we're feeling frustrated and then later realizing that what we've said was perhaps a bit over the top and not something that we're actually really seriously going to enforce. That sort of stuff undermines our children's trust in us. It can lead them to wondering whether or not we're serious when we create boundaries, and it teaches them that boundaries are flexible, that boundaries change and that boundaries are things that maybe you create on the spot when you're feeling angry as a means to punish someone, and that's not the experience that we want our kids having of boundaries, because that's not what boundaries are for.

Speaker 1: 7:15

Helping our kids to set boundaries can be a bit challenging. Setting boundaries can be hard. The first step is to be regularly encouraging our kids to tune into themselves, to tune into how they feel about something, to tune into their intuition or their gut instinct about something. For them to get to know themselves, their preferences, their own likes and dislikes.

Speaker 1: 7:41

As I mentioned at the start of this episode, that's not the way that I was raised in the 80s. I was raised to put a focus on other people's feelings, to tune into other people's wants, needs, preferences, to think about how my behavior would impact somebody else, but to an extreme level. What will someone think of you if you don't do that or if you don't attend that function? What will someone think of you if you don't do that or if you don't attend that function? What will someone think if you wear that or say that or do that or be that? I was raised to prioritize other people's thoughts, feelings, opinions over and above my own, at the expense of my own, and I know that I'm not the only one. Many of my clients, when reflecting on their childhoods, have made similar connections. I wasn't given the opportunity to connect authentically with myself. That's what happens when we encourage our kids to focus on the needs, thoughts, opinions, feelings of other people and when we ourselves put a priority on those things.

Speaker 1: 8:54

And when I reflect back on my childhood, what I recognize is that I'm not so sure that my parents were necessarily concerned about what other people would think of me so much as they were concerned about what other people would think of them and their parenting. And I think this is a great time for me to make it really clear that it's not your job to make other people comfortable with your kids and with your parenting style. That's not your job. There is so much freedom in giving less fucks about the opinion of other people, particularly when it comes to their opinion about your children and about your parenting style. So if you're someone who's been struggling with this, you absolutely don't need my permission to give less fucks. But just in case you're wanting permission, this is it. Please, parent the way that you want to parent, parent the way that feels comfortable to you, and you're not responsible for anybody else's emotions around that. So if your parents have an issue with your parenting style, that's for them to deal with. You're not responsible for their emotions, their thoughts, their opinions about your parenting.

Speaker 1: 10:14

I'm very passionate about parenting my children in a way that is healthier than the way that I was parented, in making those changes for the benefit of my children and also for other generations of my family, and a big part of that work is letting go of the thoughts and opinions of other people. Children who aren't encouraged to connect authentically with themselves, to tune in to their own thoughts, feelings, opinions, feelings, opinions, intuition, gut instinct, likes, dislikes, preferences all of those things. Children who aren't encouraged to tune in authentically with those things can ultimately end up being children who are easily led by other people, by other children and by other adults. Children who aren't encouraged to authentically tune into themselves can also become adults who are more likely to end up in a controlling situation, an abusive relationship. When we're able to know ourselves authentically, to truly tune in to our likes, dislikes, thoughts, feelings, we learn to know ourselves.

Speaker 1: 11:30

Knowing ourselves helps us to understand when a boundary has been crossed. When we know ourselves, if someone crosses a boundary, it leads us to feel uncomfortable. We might get a physical reaction. Our heart might start beating really fast. You might get that weird sinking feeling in your stomach. You might feel hot or sweaty. You might feel tongue-tied, not have the right words to say in that moment. When we talk about these concepts with our kids, if they've been encouraged to tune in to their own feelings, to get to know themselves on this level, they understand this concept of boundaries. They really do. They understand what it means when someone crosses a boundary. They can make that connection with how it feels within them.

Speaker 1: 12:17

Important boundaries to help our children to set and maintain include supporting our children with their right to say no on decisions relating to their personal space. Want a hug or a kiss from your child, but forcing a child to show affection in a way that's related to someone else's preferences. This inadvertently teaches them that they should just allow certain forms of intimacy, even if they're not comfortable with it. This is not something that we want our children thinking or feeling. No one else has a right to our child's body. Helping our children maintain boundaries around their personal space should never be used in any way to shame them. For example, if they don't want to give grandma, grandpa or aunties, uncles, whoever it is a kiss or a cuddle as a greeting or as a goodbye, they should not be shamed. They should never be told ah, but grandma will think that you don't love her anymore. You can understand.

Speaker 1: 13:33

I hope, from the conversations that we've been having about boundaries, that this would inadvertently teach a child that their job is to push down their feelings, their preferences, their likes and dislikes, and prioritize the feelings of other people. Prioritize what other people will think of them, even if something makes them feel uncomfortable. This is not something that we want our kids learning. This is a dangerous thing for our kids to be learning. Kids learning this is a dangerous thing for our kids to be learning and, as I mentioned earlier, it makes them susceptible to being easily led. It makes them more likely to end up in relationships that involve control or abuse later on in life and can make them more susceptible to grooming behaviors from predators.

Speaker 1: 14:19

It can be challenging if you have a family member or friend of the family who wants a hug or a kiss from your child as a greeting or as a goodbye. Perhaps that friend or family member might be hurt. Perhaps they might interpret your child not wanting to kiss or hug them as a sign that the child doesn't like them. And this is where it can be important that in that moment you very calmly and confidently say we support the kids to set healthy boundaries, and part of that is about choosing what they feel comfortable with when it comes to their personal space, what they feel comfortable with when greeting someone or saying goodbye. Having a boundary doesn't mean that someone doesn't like you. Thanks for your understanding and support. All words to that effect. And if you're met with hostility, if you're met with criticisms about your parenting or a spiel about, well, back in my day again, please disregard commentary on your parenting. This is where it's important that you tune in to your thoughts and feelings, you tune in to your authentic self. You tune into what you know and believe is the right approach to parenting for you and your children.

Speaker 1: 15:35

As I mentioned earlier, your job is not to make other people happy or comfortable about the behavior of your children or about your parenting. It can be helpful to have conversations with kids about their personal space and boundaries related to that before you get to a relative's house or a friend's house, for example, before leaving the house or maybe in the car on the way over. You might talk about the fact that everyone has different ways that they feel comfortable saying hello and saying goodbye. You might talk about what some of those ways are, and then you can let your kids know that it's up to them how they would like to say goodbye or hello to someone. It's up to them whether or not they'd like to give that person a hug or a kiss. Maybe they'd like to give that person a high five. Your children might be able to articulate what their preference is before arriving at that person's house.

Speaker 1: 16:29

The important thing is that you don't shame your children for having a particular preference and that you don't force them into any form of behavior when it comes to their personal space or when it comes to giving affection to another person. If your children don't want to hug or kiss a friend or family member, that's okay, that's healthy, and supporting their preference is healthy parenting. There's no reason to ask oh why not? Don't you love grandma? Of course they love grandma.

Speaker 1: 16:58

We need to avoid questions like this because it leads our kids to believe that if we love someone, we should allow that person full and complete access to our bodies, whether we like it or not. That's not a message that we want to be sending to our kids. We can love someone and not want to hug them, or not want to hug them in a particular moment and maybe on another occasion we do. Linked with this is helping our kids to understand and put in place boundaries, by making sure that they understand that it's okay for people to have different opinions, particularly in your home. To let them know, to model, to teach that it's possible to have different opinions and still love each other or to still be friends with someone. It's okay to disagree and disagreeing can be done in a healthy way. Thanks so much for tuning in to this episode of the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast. I'll talk to you soon.