37. Boundaries: Taking back our power and control, one boundary at a time.

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi, welcome to another episode of the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast. Thank you so much for joining me. Thank you again to all of my clients who are tuning in as regular listeners to the podcast. Thank you for your feedback. It means so much to me. Also, a big thank you to the women who are listening in and who are booking discovery calls via my website to have a chat with me about what it is that they're dealing with. So many of those women are signing up to work with me in a one-on-one capacity, as well as taking part in the group membership that I offer, and I'd just like to take a few moments now to talk about the incredible courage that these women are showing with what it is that they're experiencing.

Speaker 1: 0:48

It can be really difficult to acknowledge that you're struggling. It can be really difficult to acknowledge that your former partner is controlling or abusive in other ways. It can be really difficult to acknowledge and accept that your separation, divorce and co-parenting situation is not amicable, despite the fact that you wish it was. That can be really difficult to acknowledge, to accept and to talk about. But the women who book a discovery call with me, the women who ultimately choose to work with me, they are the women who optimize their outcome. They are the women who move forward positively because they're taking action.

Speaker 1: 1:31

I get asked often what is it that sets apart post-separation the women who do well, compared to the women who don't, the women who seem to stay stuck? And my answer always includes the number one component of taking action. Taking action booking a discovery call with me, a free 30-minute chat via my website. That involves taking action. Taking the action to get on the website to book the call, to keep the appointment with me, to actually have a chat on the phone with me, to talk about what it is that you're dealing with and to be honest about what you're struggling with, and then again to take the step to work with me on an ongoing basis. That's taking another action step. And I'll be honest, working with me after that free discovery call, working with me in an ongoing way is not free. It does involve a financial investment, but, again, the women who get the results are the women who find a way to work with me. They find a way to pay for the service that I offer because they want something different, because they are sick of struggling, because they want to optimize their outcome, not just for themselves, but also for their kids. A large number of my clients have high paying jobs, and so affording my services is not a huge hardship, but I do have a number of clients who have borrowed from family or who have utilized a payment plan that I offer in order to secure those services. For some of my clients, I'm sure it means that they're foregoing the regular nail appointment that perhaps they've always had, or visiting the hairdresser quite as regularly as what they once did. I know I have clients that are making some of those decisions to do without some of those other things so that they can prioritize working with me, and I know that they are getting the results.

Speaker 1: 3:39

I know that my clients are getting results. I see it in the outcomes that they're achieving for themselves. I hear it in their voices when we talk on the phone or on a group video call. They're choosing to invest in themselves. They're taking action to invest in themselves, and they're taking action to show up to one-on-one calls with me. They're showing up to group video calls. They're showing up in the online community that I've created and are chatting with other group members. They're taking action. They are no longer a bystander in their own life. They're taking action and learning about the things that they can control and the things that they can't. They're learning things not just about the relationship dynamic with their ex-partner, about helping their children to navigate the separation and living in two different homes, to navigate the legal system and the court system and optimize their outcome in those arenas, but they're also learning so much about themselves, about emotion regulation, about setting and maintaining boundaries, about the red flags that they missed or that they pushed to one side in the relationship with their ex-partner. They're making so many connections, they're learning, they're taking action and that's why those women do better.

Speaker 1: 5:00

And this is the invitation that I have for you. If you've been listening in to these podcast episodes, if you're often finding that what I'm talking about is resonating with you, then take this as a sign. Is it your turn to take action? Is it your turn to take back your control? Is it your turn to level up and optimize your outcome, to optimize the next chapter of your life for you and your kids? To all of my clients, thank you and well done. Working with you is an honor and everything that you are achieving is because you are doing the work, you are showing up, you are taking action and I hope you feel so very proud of yourselves, because I am really fucking proud of you too.

Speaker 1: 5:45

When we're navigating separation, divorce, co-parenting with a controlling former partner, a former partner who might be abusive in other ways, a former partner who might have personality traits consistent with one or more personality disorders, when we're navigating all of that, change is inevitable. But transformation, genuine, positive, wonderful transformation, that is a choice. Now on to the episode Setting Boundaries. Maybe you thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue. Maybe you thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue. Hey, I'm Danielle Black and I'm the coach you need if you're dealing with post-separation abuse. I help you make sense of ongoing abusive behaviour after separation and help you take back your power and control. Let's go. Maybe you thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue.

Speaker 1: 6:46

In one of last week's episodes, we spoke about the importance of boundaries. In today's episode, what I'd like to talk to you about is choosing, setting and maintaining our boundaries. The first step is to tune in to our emotions, to look within, to start listening to ourselves, to start noticing, validating uncomfortable emotions. They might be feelings of anger, discomfort, resentment, frustration, irritation. All of these emotions can help us to work out if we have poor boundaries and can help us to get clear on things that we need to be setting boundaries around.

Speaker 1: 7:37

Tuning into our emotions is a skill that many of us have never appropriately developed, given the experiences that we had in childhood and then also due to experiencing controlling and abusive adult relationships. You may have spent a lifetime pushing down emotions that are perceived as negative, pushing down feelings of anger, pushing down feelings of discomfort or resentment, pushing down your needs, your feelings, because throughout childhood, and then reinforced in adulthood, you learned that your feelings and needs were not important. You learned that it was more important for you to prioritize the feelings and needs of others. Particularly, as I touched on in last week's episode, we can learn those things and connect that behaviour, that people-pleasing behaviour, to maintaining safe connections with others. We can learn in childhood that the way to ensure that we're getting our needs met in some way, shape or form, to ensure that we're maintaining a connection of sorts with another person, we can learn that an important way for us to do that is to ensure that we're keeping other people happy. This can contribute to us losing the ability, or never fully developing the ability, to truly tune into what we ourselves are thinking and feeling. What are your needs? What is important to you?

Speaker 1: 9:23

It's also important to be aware that you've likely been walking on eggshells where your ex-partner is concerned for a long period of time. A lot of what you're feeling when it comes to their behavior, their demands of you, their sending text messages or trying to phone you at all hours of the day or night, the expectation that you respond immediately, the expectation that you just give in to whatever it is that they're demanding All of that has likely been normalized for you. So, even if you don't like it, it feels very normal. It may not occur to you to set a boundary around something like that. So, for example, being bombarded with text messages because you have a very well-entrenched habit of giving in to your former partner as a means to keep yourself safe, to keep your children safe, to reduce the conflict.

Speaker 1: 10:25

So part of the work when we leave a controlling partner or a partner who is also abusive in other ways, part of our work is to rediscover ourselves, to rediscover our emotions, to reflect on the dynamics of the relationship that we have with that person, to identify when we're pushing down our true feelings and simply giving in as a means to avoid conflict or to avoid uncomfortable feelings, or because our nervous system is activated and we're in survival mode. So this is all part of that tuning in process that tuning in, looking within, becoming aware of our emotions, validating our emotions and that validating part of this process is so crucially important Honouring and validating our emotions and needs as being valid and important and recognising that you are worth having your needs met. I'll say that again, identifying the emotions is important. Recognising that they're there is important, but it's also very important that we validate our own emotions and needs, that we acknowledge that our emotions and needs are valid and important and that we are worthy. We are worthy of feeling whatever we feel, needing whatever we need, and we're worthy of having our needs met.

Speaker 1: 12:02

The next step is to be able to define and communicate the boundary that's needed, the boundary that we need to be in place because we've identified, with the help of our emotions, when someone's behavior is crossing a line with us. So the first step is that there's a situation and we have a particular emotion that comes up, or a range of emotions that comes up as a result of that. We need to identify what the problem is around that what the need is that we have that's perhaps not being met, or when somebody else's needs are taking over, and then we can define and identify the desired boundary in a way that clearly communicates our needs or expectations to others, without focusing on them and without providing reasons or justifications. So, using the example of being bombarded with text messages, of being bombarded with text messages, instead of saying stop harassing me with lots of calls and text messages, you might instead state I have received five calls and 12 text messages from you within four hours. I'm experiencing this as intrusive and harassing. I will take time to consider your messages and will respond to you in due course if I think a response is needed From here. You would not respond to any other messages or calls unless there was a genuine emergency, unless there was a genuine emergency.

Speaker 1: 13:47

Now again, this can be tricky and this is where, as I mentioned in last week's episode, boundaries are for us. We're communicating them to other people, but they're for us to identify where our line in the sand is. We can't expect that an abusive controlling person is just going to be like hey, yeah, great, sure, so sorry, didn't realize that me bombarding you with calls and text messages was harassing, so sorry, I'll back off, won't do it again. That is not going to happen ever. Not going to happen ever with a controlling, abusive former partner. Definitely never going to happen if your former partner has traits consistent with one or more personality disorders. At least not in a genuine way, not in a way that indicates long-term change. These people, of course, will promise anything and everything on a temporary basis, simply to get what they want, simply to, in their mind, get us to calm down briefly and enable them to maintain the power and control, but you are not going to see long lasting change in this area from a controlling abuser. This is one of the things that we need to radically accept on this journey.

Speaker 1: 15:09

This is one of the most challenging things about post-separation from a controlling person. It's the amount of work that we have to do ourselves in order to take back our own power and control and start creating a life that we want. Start creating a life that's actually enjoyable and does not revolve around the demands of anybody else. No one's going to give that to you. Your ex is not going to hand that to you on a silver platter. Your ex is not going to wake up and say, oh gee, yeah, I'm so sorry that I've been controlling and that you haven't liked it, I'm just going to back off now. No, that is not going to happen. The boundaries are for you, not for others. Your ex-partner is not going to pay attention to your limits or boundaries. You need to stick to your boundaries and stop engaging with boundary stomping behavior, because giving in to boundary stomping behavior is only going to result in more of it Controlling people, abusive people, personality disordered people.

Speaker 1: 16:16

They don't just care if the attention from you is positive. Any interaction with you at all is often the goal. They don't care how it's making you feel. They care that they're getting attention. They care that they are the puppet master pulling the strings. So if you set a boundary, if you state that you will take time to consider messages and will respond in due course, if you think a response is required, if they keep messaging you, which is likely your job is to not respond. Your job is to stick to what you have said. Your job is to make sure that your words are aligning with your actions.

Speaker 1: 16:58

So in that situation, if the text messages or the phone calls kept coming and it was not around, anything that was a genuine emergency or needed a decision in a timely manner, and I'm talking here about needing a decision in a timely manner in a genuine sense. You know, your ex's version of what's an emergency or what's urgent quite often probably does not align with reality. So if you don't truly think that something is urgent or needs an immediate response, don't respond. If you want time to think, take the time to think. This is why these people often want an immediate response. It's why they love bailing you up on the phone or in person, because they can push you into making a decision without you actually having any appropriate time to consider things, to truly think about what you want in that particular situation. They know that they're more likely to get what they want if they pressure you on the spot. So we've spoken about tuning in to our emotions, tuning into our needs, tuning into how we're feeling in a particular situation and taking responsibility for that. We're taking responsibility for how we're feeling, we're recognizing how we're feeling and then we're making the decision to do something about it.

Speaker 1: 18:17

The next step, the third step, is maintaining and reinforcing each individual boundary in a clear way that maintains our focus on ourselves, not the other person, and this means not going down the rabbit hole of providing reasons, justifications or excuses. Now, this one will probably feel challenging. You might feel stressed at this point, partly because you're actually rewiring your brain throughout this process, which you know. How fucking amazing is that, by the way Neuroplasticity. This will get better over time. Initially, setting and holding a boundary with a controlling former partner, you will feel as though your nervous system is on fire. Your survival mode will be kicking in. Your brain might be telling you that this is crazy, he's not going to like this, he's going to react badly. All the things I promise you. This does get better over time.

Speaker 1: 19:11

An example of reinforcement after you've received pushback on a boundary could be saying something like I hear you and understand your position. I have provided a response to this issue and my views have not changed. I won't be replying to any more communication on this topic Now. That's making your stance very clear. You're making it clear that, no matter how many more messages you receive about this particular thing, you are not going to be engaging in more communication.

Speaker 1: 19:41

But you also haven't wasted time or undermined your position, weakened your position by justifying and giving excuses, and this can be hard, because if you've been in a relationship with a controlling abuser for any length of time, I can almost guarantee that you are in a habit of justifying, explaining feelings, that you need to make excuses for your feelings, your thoughts, your opinions, your behaviors in a way that they will find acceptable. And if you're still doing that, this is me telling you right here and now that this needs to stop. Your ex is not going to change. They're not changing. So unless you want to keep living like this for the rest of your life in terms of engaging with them, you need to be the one to make the changes. You need to be the one to take the action, and this ties in with exactly what I was saying at the start of this episode.

Speaker 1: 20:40

You know what is the difference between women who optimize their outcome, the women who do better post-separation compared to those who don't? And it all comes down to the taking action, because taking action can be really fucking hard when you've been in a relationship with a controlling person and abusive person for any length of time. Your brain has now created particular habits and it's not going to let go of those. It's not going to replace those with new habits, better habits, healthier habits without you putting in some work, without you experiencing uncomfortable emotions, and this is one of the reasons why so many of my clients work with me, because this is work that I help them to do. I support them with this. There's a lot of scaffolding and hand-holding from me for clients who are learning about boundaries, who are putting in place boundaries, who are holding firm on boundaries. It's a process and you can do it.

Speaker 1: 21:42

It will feel hard at times and you can do hard things, and if you want a life that you feel increasingly more in control of, you need to do hard things. You need to feel uncomfortable emotions and over time, those things get easier. The emotions also get less uncomfortable. It takes work, it takes time and it is so fucking worth it. Please believe me when I tell you that it is so worth it to no longer be giving into the demands of a controlling, abusive ex-partner, to no longer be giving into the demands of demanding family members or friends who perhaps want more from a friendship than what you do. This isn't just a skill that you will use in relating with your former partner. This is a skill that you will use for the rest of your life with every relationship that you have with anyone, not just romantic relationships, friendships, relationships with family, in business, in work.

Speaker 1: 22:49

This is you leveling up, this is you becoming increasingly emotionally mature. Relationships get better when you have healthy boundaries, when you're able to communicate in a healthy way with someone else what you will and won't do, what you will and won't accept. It is so amazing to be in a relationship or to have a friendship with someone who is emotionally mature and who has clear boundaries. Everybody knows where they stand. In that relationship. There's no passive aggression, there's no stonewalling, there's no wondering about what someone else is thinking, because that person is able to calmly talk about how they're feeling. Yes, you can calmly talk about the fact that something has made you angry without yelling and screaming. That is a thing for people who are emotionally mature. That is a thing for people who have learned to regulate their emotions in a healthy way. That is a thing for people who are able to create healthy boundaries and communicate those boundaries and maintain those boundaries.

Speaker 1: 23:55

If you're sick of giving in to all of the demands of your abuser, if you're sick of acquiescing to everything that your controlling ex-partner wants, needs, demands, learning to set healthy boundaries is where it's at. This is what you need, and this is something that I can help you with. This is something that I've created in my own life, that I'm reaping the benefits of on a daily basis, and I would love to support you to take back your power and control, if that's something that sounds good to you. And you know, as a side note, the more emotionally mature we become on this journey, the more we take back our power and control, the more we actually take responsibility for our own emotions, for our own life choices, for our own boundaries. The more we're able to model that for our kids, the more we're able to teach our children how to do this in their own world.

Speaker 1: 24:59

And this is something that I am so passionate about, because one of the reasons that I do the work that I do is because I want to stop the intergenerational cycle of family violence. I don't want my daughter repeating the mistakes that I made in relationships, enduring what I had to endure. I don't want my sons becoming men who stomp all over other people's emotions and boundaries. Change starts with us. Transformation starts with us. The change is inevitable. The transformation is a choice, and so the question is now you're experiencing the change? Are you prepared to transform? Are you prepared to take the action, to do the work? Thank you so much for your time. I'll talk to you soon.