35. When your mental health is attacked...and a rant about equal shared parenting time

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi, thanks for joining me on another episode of the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast. I'm your host Specialist Separation, divorce and Co-Parenting Coach, danielle Black. In today's episode, I'm unpacking a really common go-to strategy of abusers when there are disagreements about the parenting arrangements, and that is attacking your mental health.

Speaker 2: 0:39

Hey, I'm Danielle Black and I'm the coach you need if you're dealing with post-separation abuse. I help you make sense of ongoing abusive behaviour after separation and help you take back your power and control.

Speaker 1: 0:52

Let's go you thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue. False accusations about a victim survivor's mental health is something that is really about a victim survivor's mental health is something that is really really common when there are disagreements about parenting arrangements after separation. The goal when making these accusations is to try and get the court and court professionals to doubt the mental health, to doubt the emotional health, the emotional and mental stability of the mother and to provide more parenting time to the father. Now, when I say more parenting time, the interesting thing, the bizarre thing about this strategy, is that it's often used by men who are seeking equal shared parenting time. So they want an equal amount of parenting time, and one of the reasons that they're trying to get that across the line in terms of the court and court professionals is by saying that their former partner is perhaps mentally unstable. A partner is perhaps mentally unstable. Maybe she's overly emotional, overly anxious, that her anxiety is negatively impacting the children.

Speaker 1: 2:12

There can be links here with false accusations of alienation towards the mother that can be tied into this, but I find it interesting when it's used by lawyers who are representing these men when what they're seeking is equal shared time. The reason that it's interesting is because it's ridiculous. If you genuinely had concerns about somebody's mental well-being, their emotional well-being, their parenting capacity, their ability to appropriately care for a child, their mental health, would you really only be seeking equal time with the child? No, if you truly had concerns about the other parent's mental capacity, about their emotional state and the negative impacts that you apparently believe that this is having on children, you would be seeking the majority of care of the child and wanting the child to only have a certain amount of time spent with the other parent. So that in and of itself is often a really great way to rebut the accusations that these men are making. If they were truly concerned, if they had significant concerns, they wouldn't be sitting back saying, yeah, hey, you know, I'm fine for her to look after the kids half the time, but I think she's a nutcase, so therefore they should be with me the other half of the time. It's not compelling as far as I'm concerned. I think a lot of holes can be poked in that and you know what, where you find one issue, there are going to be more.

Speaker 1: 3:55

The obsession that so many controlling abusers have with equal shared parenting time is staggering, and I think it's fantastic that the Family Law Act is soon about to have those changes implemented where there is no longer going to be the presumption of equal shared parental responsibility. So that's the major decision making, and the importance of that was that that was linked with parenting time, which in my view, was a huge mistake and should never have happened. But the fact that that is not going to be the case from early May onwards this year is fantastic. I'm hoping that we are going to see a new era when it comes to family law, when it comes to the outcomes for women and children from the court system, because things must change. They must change.

Speaker 1: 4:55

Equal shared parenting arrangements treat children like possessions. They treat children like assets of the relationship. They treat children as though they are on par with the family dog, and it is not appropriate. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest that the amount of time that a parent spends with the child equates to the level of relationship, the type of relationship, the quality of relationship with the child. Abusive men want equal time because they can't stand the thought of having less time than their former partner the former partner who they despise in many cases, the former partner who they are attempting to continually control and abuse in a whole range of different ways, and securing equal time helps them to do that. So the removal of this presumption of equal shared parental responsibility, the decision making and its link with parenting time is hopefully going to see a whole new wave of outcomes in which equal time is a thing of the past, unless there is a genuine and compelling case for why that is in the child's best interests, and honestly I really think it's only in the best interests of older children and I'm talking teens who are clearly able to articulate that that is what they want and where it is clear that they are not being coached or influenced by the other parent.

Speaker 1: 6:34

There are so many people in the community that think that equal time with parents is what's fair, and my comment to that is always fair for who? It is certainly not fair for a child. Can you imagine going back and forth between different households, either weak about or whatever the care arrangement might be? That is appalling. Frankly, I'm just sickened that there are so many people in the community that think that that's a perfectly acceptable way for a child to have to live, particularly when one of the parents may be controlling, abusive in other ways, controlling and abusive towards the other parent, where there are vast differences in the styles of parenting, hugely problematic in so many ways, even where the co-parenting is amicable, even where there's a respectful parenting relationship. This idea that children should just be divided up equally is gross and I make absolutely no apologies for holding that view, and I have lived experience of this with my own children. Anyone who thinks that equal shared parenting time is a good outcome for children, in my opinion, have clearly not spoken with many children who have had to endure this situation.

Speaker 1: 7:54

The reason that I've brought up the equal shared parenting time when we're talking about attacking somebody's mental health is because these men oftentimes believe that this is what they're entitled to. They're entitled to half of the child. If it was possible to chop the child in half, I think they would. This is how these men think. They often relate to their children as possessions or extensions of themselves. I can guarantee you that a controlling abuser does not love their child the way that you love your child. Their view of love is sick and twisted. Their view of love is often intertwined inextricably with ideas of possession, of ownership, of dominance of. This is mine, this belongs to me.

Speaker 1: 8:50

These men really are not seeing children as unique, individual, autonomous beings that have their own feelings, thoughts, opinions. That's not how these men are viewing children. They're viewing them as property, as things, and because of the way the Family Law Act was worded for so long and because of the way that, unfortunately, there was a tendency for equal time to be ordered by the court, so many men now have a view and, honestly, not just men just doesn't matter the sex of the person. So many people believe that that's just the way that it is, that's just fair, that's just what happens, that's just what courts order and it's bullshit. And I'm so glad that it's about to change, because this idea that this is what they can realistically expect from a legal outcome encourages so many men to pursue legal action to drag their former partners to court in order to achieve equal shared parenting time.

Speaker 1: 10:02

I've got clients who I'm working with currently where their former partner doesn't quite have equal shared parenting time but has a significant amount, and yet these men are still dragging their former partners through the court system in order to gain an extra one, two, three nights of care a fortnight. Yes, dragging their former partner through the court system and their children dragging them through that conflict, incurring costs of tens of thousands of dollars for the sake of a handful of nights, because this is what these men think they are entitled to. And this conversation about parenting time and the desire of some men to seek equal shared parenting time is relevant, because attacking their former partner's mental health is a really common go-to, because, in order to justify why they should have more parenting time, these men are often doing anything and everything that they can to tear down their former partner, to tear down her character, to undermine her credibility, her worth as a person. They're trying to do all of that in an attempt to prove that they should have more time with the child. It's abhorrent. It is legal abuse. It should not be allowed to occur. It is one of the many things about our family law system and court system in this country that must change If we are ever going to be tackling family violence appropriately. We must also look to what is happening after separation. We must look at post-separation abuse. We must look at legal abuse and systems abuse and the way in which victim survivors and their children are dragged through the court process by controlling abusive, entitled perpetrators.

Speaker 1: 11:58

Sometimes there will be a man who is attempting to gain primary care of the child or children and they may try to maintain that they have always been the primary carer. That sort of thing can be rebutted oftentimes by the facts. So, particularly if the mother of the child or children was the one who's been on parenting leave, maternity leave has worked from home or primarily stayed at home with the children, you know those sorts of things Establishing that she has been the primary carer doesn't usually take too much work. The problem is when there is an abuser who is wanting to become the primary carer, who is really trying to eradicate the mother of the children from the children's lives completely and is attacking her mental health as part of that strategy, basically saying that she's so mentally unstable that she can't possibly care for herself or for the children. Now I support some women who are navigating this currently and there is absolutely no factual basis for the accusations that are being made against them. They don't have substance abuse problems. They don't have any formal diagnosis of any mental health condition, with the exception perhaps of situational anxiety because of what they've endured from their ex-partner perhaps complex PTSD, but nothing more than that.

Speaker 1: 13:34

But that does not stop these men and it doesn't stop their lawyers and, honestly, how these lawyers can sleep at night is beyond me. I don't know. Maybe it's all the money that they're making by facilitating the ongoing legal abuse of a victim. Maybe it's the money that helps to assuage their guilt. In my view, it's morally corrupt. I'm not sure where it lands in terms of the ethics of how lawyers are supposed to conduct themselves, but I find it really concerning that, even with zero factual basis other than, of course, the lies of their client, that they are attempting to take children, even tiny children, babies away from mothers who are victims of family violence. Yes, this is going on in Australia. This is the sort of thing that is happening in this country on a daily basis. The attempts to control and the continued abuse do not end when the relationship ends.

Speaker 1: 14:38

So what do you do? What do you do if you've had these accusations thrown at you, undermining your mental health, claiming that you are an emotional, anxious mess, that you're mentally unstable? How do you possibly counter that? The first thing is to recognize that, just because a lawyer is putting something in a letter, so your ex-partner's lawyer is putting something in a letter accusing you of things that doesn't actually hold any weight in and of itself. A lot of people get really worried when they receive letters from lawyers with all kinds of horrible things written in them. But in this case, the lawyer working on behalf of your ex really is just a bit of a trumped up bully who wants you to be fearful. They actually want you to be feeling scared because if you are, there's a much better chance that you're going to give in to what their client is demanding. And honestly, for some of them, I think it's just a bit of a game. For many of these lawyers, I really don't think they're giving much consideration at all as to what the impact is going to be with what they're putting in writing Again. This is where the morals and the ethics come into this. I understand how it feels to be on the receiving end of horrible legal letters that are full of lies, but in and of themselves, they hold no weight. They give you a good indication as to what the story is potentially going to be from your ex, should things progress to court, and it gives you an opportunity to start getting your ducks in a row and establishing the facts If your mental health is being attacked, if you're not already connected with a mental health professional, a counsellor or psychologist.

Speaker 1: 16:28

That should be one of your first steps See your GP, get a referral. Establishing a good relationship with a GP is important too. If you don't have a long-standing relationship already with a GP that you trust, then that's something that needs to be on your priority list. You might find that a female GP is more receptive to your experiences of family violence. You might need to chat to a few GPs before you find one who you feel comfortable sharing your experiences with. I know it can be difficult at many GP clinics to get in to see the one main GP. Every single time you need to have a doctor's appointment. Some GPs can be booked weeks and weeks in advance.

Speaker 1: 17:19

I still recommend that you make an effort to have one primary GP for all of your non-urgent matters. So for checking in with them when it comes to your mental health, for the preparation of a mental health plan, for example, for a referral to a counsellor or a psychologist, for all of the non-urgent things. Anytime that there's something you need an appointment for that can't wait so you've got a viral infection, for example, and you need to see a doctor then seeing any other GP at that same clinic will be fine, but I do recommend that you establish a relationship with a GP and that you make an effort to touch base with that person on a semi-regular basis so that there are notes on your record, so that there are notes that you've been talking about, the historical family violence that you've experienced, as well as the ongoing post-separation abuse. And linked with that is connecting with a mental health professional, because if things ever progress to court and if things ever progress to a final hearing, then the notes of that particular mental health professional will be relevant in rebutting the accusations being made about your mental health. If your case is already in the court system, or if you suspect that that's where things are likely to head, you need to be thinking about the ways in which you can demonstrate that you are not mentally unstable or whatever the specific words are that are being used to describe you. You need to be thinking about how you may be perceived by other people.

Speaker 1: 19:02

Now this is particularly important when meeting with a court child expert or family consultant. So these are experts that prepare reports for the court and they tend to be ordered in the vast majority of parenting cases. So this is where an expert who's able to write reports for the court. They're typically a social worker or a psychologist. They need to have had a certain number of years experience in that profession before then doing some further qualifications to enable them to write those reports for the court. They meet with you. They met with your ex-partner. This is done separately, privately. Depending on the age of your children, they may also meet privately with your children. They will prepare a report for the court that will detail their observations of both you and your former partner. They may make some observations about the co-parenting relationship and they'll make some recommendations going forward in terms of care arrangements.

Speaker 1: 20:08

Understandably, it's very, very important to present well to those professionals and it's important that you have insight into how you present to other people. That's part of the work that I do with my clients. I help them prepare for things like meeting with a court child expert or a family consultant. I help my clients to develop their insight and awareness into how other people may perceive them and to how to present in a way that is not going to feed into the narrative of their ex ie she's mentally unstable. Part of demonstrating that you're not mentally unstable or over-anxious, over-emotional again, whatever the terms are that have been used is to think about the way in which someone might present on the outside if they were struggling mentally versus someone who was more or less mentally or emotionally stable for want of a better word. No one's going to expect you to have perfect mental health, but it's important that you demonstrate that you've got an insight into whatever's going on for you and that you're seeking support In terms of managing how you present to other people.

Speaker 1: 21:23

One of the best places to start is in taking care of yourself so that you not only feel healthy on the inside and that's good for you and also good for your kids but also so that you look and present healthy from the outside. Things that can help with that are getting as much rest as possible. I know this can be challenging, but it can be important to make sure you're getting to bed at a reasonable time, to not have your phone right next to the bed when you're sleeping so that you're not tempted to look at it. If you need to have it nearby, it can be better to have it not within reach, have it across the room on a chest of drawers or, if you have an adjoining ensuite bathroom, have it sitting in there. You can obviously still hear it if it's there, but it's not right next to your head. Eating and maintaining a healthy weight is important. I've got a number of clients who have struggled with significant weight loss due to the stress that they're experiencing. But understandably, if you're presenting as looking unhealthily underweight, that might impact how you're perceived by the court and court professionals.

Speaker 1: 22:34

Doing what you can to soothe your nervous system and manage your anxiety is helpful. This can include connecting with a mental health professional, such as a counsellor or a psychologist, but it also includes catching up with friends, playing with your kids at the park, taking the nurtured, as well as formal counselling and psychotherapy if needed. Better genuinely, the responses that you give to particular questions are also going to be healthier in nature, more regulated in nature. You're less likely to respond in a way that is irritated, agitated, anxious those sorts of things. Doing things that will help you to feel better, will have a positive impact on your nervous system and on your emotional and mental health, and that's going to have a positive impact on how you show up in the world. There's no one silver bullet when it comes to optimizing your outcome, but rather it's a combination of a lot of small things that can be done on a daily basis.

Speaker 1: 24:02

Again, this is part of the work that I do with clients. A really exciting new aspect of the work that I do is an addition to the group work that I'm doing with my clients. For a long period of time, we've been meeting weekly on a group call or as many of us as can join the group call on any given week and we've now also got an online community where we can connect on a regular basis with each other to talk with one another, to establish that community, a community that's safe, a community that truly gets it, where you get to have a conversation with other women who understand what it is that you're dealing with, who can share some of their own lived experiences as well, pushing back against attacks on your mental health. Yes, it's about strategy. Yes, it's about ensuring that you're aware how you present on the outside, to the rest of the world, despite what might be going on on the inside. But the best transformation, the most impactful transformation of all, is always going to be genuine transformation. When you're taking care of yourself better, you look better, you show up better, you are less reactive, you are less emotionally dysregulated, you are less likely to be triggered by particular things. All of those things are important when it comes to your mental, emotional, physical, spiritual well-being, and all of those things are things that I support my clients with, depending on what it is that they're navigating in their journey.

Speaker 1: 25:47

Just because accusations have been made about your mental health does not mean that those accusations will be believed. But if you're concerned about that in any way and honestly I think we all should be then it's important that you do everything that you can to help present in a way in which you will be credible, so that your story your experiences are compelling are believable. It's not fair that, as victim survivors, we should have to jump through these hoops. It's not, I get it, but this is just how it is. This is part of the radical acceptance of this journey and it's one of the reasons that I do the work that I do.

Speaker 1: 26:32

I'm passionate about helping women, not only to achieve a better outcome for themselves if their case ends up in the court system, but also to just achieve a better outcome for themselves and their kids in life in general. This is just one part of your life. There is so much more for you to experience and you and your kids deserve to be in the best place possible mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. That's what you deserve, that's what you deserve's what you deserve, that's what your kids deserve and that's what the world needs of you you showing up with the special gifts that only you have so that you can fully participate in your life, in your community. If that message resonates with you and if that's something that you think you'd benefit from some one-on-one support with, and even in connecting with, other women who are navigating something similar in the community that I've created, please reach out.

Speaker 1: 27:34

At the time of recording this episode, I'm still offering free discovery calls to new clients. That's 30 minutes free with me. You can book that call easily and simply via my website, danielleblackcoachingcomau. Thank you so much for your time. I'll talk to you soon. No-transcript understand post-separation abuse and the person who's perpetrating it. I've got you covered. In the general information section of this podcast, you'll find a direct link that will enable you to download your very own post-separation abuse checklist and workbook. If you need extra support to navigate your own situation, the best support of all is to work with me one-on-one or in the group membership that I offer. Keep going, you're doing a great job.

Speaker 2: 36:04

And we are stronger and braver together. I'll talk to you soon. You thought you knew, but you didn't have a clue.