24. Why Aussie women should STOP consuming American family law horror stories.

Hi everyone, thanks for joining me here on another episode of the Post-Separation Abuse podcast. I'm your host, danielle Black, and today what I'd like to briefly cover are some of the differences between Australian family law and American family law, specifically with what you can expect in the form of an outcome if your case progresses to court. A lot of women, when they first have a conversation with me, are really worried about the lack of a likely outcome that they may be able to expect if their ex-partner takes them to court. It's understandable that this is something that concerns a lot of people. Going through the court system should absolutely be a last resort. I endured three years of the court system and it wasn't the best part of my life and it was something that I would rather have not had to navigate. That being said, court doesn't need to be something to be feared. Unfortunately, a lot of the content online and on social media when we're talking about high conflict, separation and divorce, post-separation abuse separating, divorcing and co-parenting with someone who has traits consistent with one or more personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder a lot of the content around those things is from America and is directed at an American audience. The content largely, is from America and it is directed primarily at an American audience. Now, why is that important to keep in mind?

Because the legal systems between Australia and the US are very different in a number of ways, specifically, when we're talking about the outcomes in family law cases, you may have read things where a protective parent let's just say, in this situation, a protective mother has raised concerns about abuse from her ex-husband. The ex-husband has accused her of alienating him from the children. This is a common defence from abusers. When children have made allegations of abuse against the other parent, it's common for the other parent to claim that the children have been brainwashed or that the children have been influenced against them by the parent that, in this example, we're referring to as the protective parent. In the US, it would be possible for a father who is accused of abuse, if he can convince the court that he has not perpetrated any abuse, if he can convince the court that his ex-partner has been quote unquote alienating the children, then there is a chance that he may be able to secure a significant amount of parenting time, including soul custody. Now, the term custody is not one that is commonly used. When we're talking about family law in Australia, we usually refer to things like parenting time, and we refer to things regarding parenting, decision making or parental responsibility. We don't tend to use the term custody or soul custody, but for the purposes of this example, we need to be using the language that they use in the US. So in the US, it is possible for a father who has been accused of abuse to twist that narrative, to turn that narrative around on his ex-partner, the protective parent, to convince other people that she's in fact the problem and to legally take the children away from her to secure an outcome in which he has the majority of parenting time or even soul custody of the children. Now, that's possible in the US system. Based on my own lived experience, the experiences of my clients and the number of lawyers and barristers that I network with, I cannot say that being a likely outcome for anyone going through the court system to determine parenting matters in Australia unless there were some serious and significant concerns about the parenting and again, in this case we're talking about the mother unless there were some significant and serious concerns about the mother's ability and capacity to care appropriately for the children, significant and serious concerns about her behaviour, those sorts of things, and this is really important for us to be aware of, because there are many women who give in to the demands of their ex-partners in Australia. So they give in to the demands of equal shared care, for example, because they are afraid that if their ex takes them to court, their ex would be able to secure even more time. Their ex would be able to secure something like soul custody so that term that is used in the US.

None of what I say is legal advice to anyone. I'm not a lawyer. If you have legal concerns, you need to seek the advice of a lawyer. Please, to everyone who's listening, when you're googling literally anything about separation, divorce and co-parenting, please engage your critical thinking skills. Please look carefully at the content that is coming up. When you're doing a search online, please look carefully as to who the author is of that content, what country they are from, because that is going to determine whether or not that information is at all applicable to your personal situation. And again, as I said at the start of this episode, the vast majority of content is coming to us from America and it's relevant for US audiences. Things that are put online about the American family law system and things that are occurring in American family law are largely not at all relevant to what is occurring here in Australia, and thank goodness for that. We are light years ahead of where the Americans are when it comes to family law.

You may or may not be aware that part of my journey, part of my work, has also included training with Tina Swithin. Tina, you may have heard of her, is most well known for her One Moms Battle website that's Moms, spelt M-O-M-S because Tina's based in the US and her court battle also occurred in the US, and so a lot of the work that she's done in supporting women, in advocating for women. She talks a lot about the court system. She talks a lot about narcissistic abuse. Her work is primarily based on what's going on in the US and on the US legal system, which, whilst it's incredibly powerful and informative, when we're talking about aspects of the law, legal outcomes, we need to be really careful that we're not getting ourselves caught up or getting ourselves feeling anxious based on the things that are only relevant to one particular country, and in this example I'm talking about the US.

So if you've been going down the rabbit hole of doing internet searches for all the things whether we're talking about separating from a narcissist, divorcing a narcissist, anything of that kind you know, including navigating the legal system, the court system, with a high conflict person with a controlling person. Please be aware of who is creating that content and what country that content is relevant to, because chances are a lot of the content that you're consuming is not at all relevant for Australia. I've had a number of clients start to work with me after they've been consuming content that has been relevant to another country, particularly the US, and they've been wasting a lot of time on things that really are not going to serve them in any positive way when they're navigating the court system in Australia. Again, I'm not a lawyer. I'm a divorce coach who specializes in helping women navigate separation, divorce and co-parenting from a controlling partner, from a partner who may have a number of personality traits consistent with one or more personality disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder, and I have a very good understanding of the legal system, including the fact that I endured the court process in this country.

For the better part of three is if you're concerned about what's in store for you, whether because your ex-partner has initiated legal proceedings, or you're concerned that that's going to happen, please reach out to someone who is knowledgeable to support you, and I do also advise that you don't just work with a lawyer, that you also work with a separation and divorce coach. I wish that divorce coaches were a thing when I was navigating my separation and divorce almost 16 years ago. I absolutely would have benefited hugely from working with a separation and divorce coach, and that's one of the reasons why I do the work that I do now, supporting other women. We are absolutely stronger and braver together. If there's anything in this episode that has struck a chord with you, I highly recommend that you jump on my website, danielblackcoachingcomau. You can book a free discovery call with me. We can have a chat about whether working with me is the right fit for you in your situation. Thanks so much for your time. I'll talk to you soon.