21. Embracing life post-separation: the power of radical acceptance

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hello and welcome to another episode of the post-separation abuse podcast. I'd just like to take a moment before we dive into today's topic to say thank you to all of the people who have been rating and reviewing the podcast, and also for my current clients, who have had a lot of positive things to say about the podcast and who are tuning in regularly and even inspiring some of these episodes. Thank you so much. If you haven't yet rated or reviewed the podcast, please consider doing so, because positive ratings and reviews really help to make the podcast more accessible and ensure that it's featured to women who are searching for things like separation and divorce. Now on to today's topic. Last week, both episodes were focused on self-care, wellbeing and managing stress and anxiety and delving a little bit into the reasons why doing those things are important. I'd like to expand on that in today's episode as well.

Speaker 1: 1:10

The topic for today's episode is radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is a learned skill that's designed to prevent pain and distress from turning into long-term suffering. Pain, distress, unhappiness, discomfort, hardship Whether we like it or not, all of those things are just a part of life. They are just a part of being human. Radical acceptance helps us to prevent unavoidable thoughts, emotions and sensations from becoming suffering by way of accepting the facts and the objective reality of a situation, in other words, being able to accept it is what it is Now. This doesn't mean that we collapse into a state of helplessness or blindly accept bad treatment. Rather, we acknowledge the facts of a situation or an event that we don't have the power to change, even though we don't like them. It's also an open and honest acknowledgement that ignoring the facts putting our heads in the sand, so to speak won't actually change the facts. Similarly, pushing back against the facts, being angry about the facts, won't change the situation either. Radical acceptance is about acknowledging that blind optimism is not going to change what is and that we don't have control of events outside of ourselves, and this includes the thoughts, the emotions and the behaviours of other people, something that I've touched on in past episodes, talking about the fact that we can't control the thoughts, emotions or actions of our former partner Totally and totally, accepting that nothing you say or do is going to have a long term change on the behaviour choices of another person. That can be very challenging, confronting and painful to accept. However, I'd like you to make space for the thought that accepting is not going to change that fact that nothing you do is going to create a long term change in the behaviour of another person can also be very liberating when you radically accept that you cannot control your former partner's behaviour choices and the fact that they are highly unlikely to ever change. All the time, energy and other resources that you have can be spent on things that are actually going to be helpful in moving you forward and in supporting you to cope with the reality of the situation. Fighting reality will simply keep you stuck and will compromise your outcome.

Speaker 1: 4:23

It's very normal to struggle with the idea, the concept of radical acceptance, as well as the act of actually practising it. For many of us, it can be something that we have to work on daily, especially early on, when we're first learning about the personality traits and perhaps controlling and abusive behaviour patterns of our former partners. There are ten steps that can help us with our practice of radical acceptance, and these ten steps were first stated by Marsha Linen. Marsha Linen is the founder of dialectical behaviour therapy, also sometimes referred to as DBT, which is a form of cognitive behaviour therapy also referred to as CBT. In very simple terms, cbt helps people to understand connections between their thoughts and their feelings and behaviours. Cognitive behaviour therapy DBT is a form of cognitive behaviour therapy that has an emphasis on finding balance, particularly within interactions with other people. Dbt teaches skills that can help us to cope with surges of strong emotions.

Speaker 1: 5:42

Now I'll briefly go through the ten steps that can help us towards radical acceptance. Step number one is to observe, observe and become aware that you are fighting against the reality and the facts of the situation. Step number two is focused on the reality. Remind yourself that the reality and the facts are what is and cannot be changed, even though the situation may be painful or distressing. So, for example, if your former partner is still very controlling after separation, if that's part of their personality, part of the way that they engage with you and part of how they have related to you and your relationship for a number of years, the reality of your situation is that this is just a fact about who your former partner is. This is just something that is part of your reality, their behaviour, and that not liking their behaviour is not going to change the reality of the situation. It's important to be aware that accepting the reality when we use that word accepting or acceptance we're not talking about being okay with it. We're not talking about liking it. Rather, we're simply talking about acknowledging that this is what is, accepting that this is the reality, this is just how things are, and, in step number two, being able to acknowledge the reality and the facts and that we do not have the power to change those things, even though that reality is stressful, distressing or painful.

Speaker 1: 7:42

Step number three is about focusing on the reason, and this is about reminding yourself that there are causes to this reality. So this is what happened Oftentimes with situations that we find ourselves in. It's not a situation that has just fallen out of the sky and landed in our lap. There were steps leading up to this particular situation, this particular reality, and if we're talking about separation, divorce and co-parenting from someone who is controlling or who has high conflict personality traits, it can be about reflecting on the fact that your ex-partner's personality, their need for control that didn't just happen overnight either. It can be about reflecting on the fact that this is part of their personality and has been part of their personality that developed in childhood. They may have had a traumatic childhood. They may have other mental health issues or concerns. They may have substance abuse problems. So it's about acknowledging that there can be reasons that are contributing to the current situation, the current reality.

Speaker 1: 9:04

Step number four is practice, practice accepting with your whole self, mind, body and soul. Use positive self-talk, mindfulness and other self-care and relaxation strategies to help your acceptance. So when you're thinking about the reality of your situation, you're observing it. Perhaps you feel within you a desire to push back against it, or perhaps you're just overwhelmed with feelings of anger or sadness or hopelessness. Step number four is about trying some different strategies to help manage those emotions that arise, and we spoke about some of the things last week that you can do to help manage anxiety and stress, and you can use those sorts of things here in this particular situation as well. Maybe it's going for a walk to be in nature to clear your mind. Maybe it's a mindfulness technique where you're sitting in a room and you're focusing on your sensations. You're focusing on the things that you can see, hear, feel, smell, to direct your attention away from the thoughts and the emotions that are causing the emotional distress within you. Perhaps it's making an appointment with a therapist, catching up with a friend or family member for a coffee. Perhaps it's journaling how you're feeling about the reality of your situation and if you're a client of mine or would like to be a client of mine in future, it can include emailing or direct messaging me or booking an appointment for a chat. This is one of the things that I help my clients to manage Managing the uncomfortable emotions that arise when the reality of their situation is uncomfortable or overwhelming.

Speaker 1: 11:10

Step number five is about listing Listing the behaviour that you would choose if you fully accepted the facts and the reality of the situation. And then you engage in those behaviours as if you do accept the facts. So it's kind of like fake it until you make it. You write down the behaviours that you would engage in If you fully accepted the reality. Then you read through that list and you start doing some of those behaviours. So, for an example, if you were to fully accept that you had no control over your ex-partners behavior and that this is just part of who they are and that they're not going to suddenly wake up one day and become a reasonable human and that their unhelpful controlling behavior is likely going to continue and that for however long maybe forever you're going to have to deal with their unreasonable controlling behavior, if you accepted that as a reality, how would you be behaving in interactions with them?

Speaker 1: 12:26

One of the things that a lot of my clients share when I unpack this with them in a guided process. Many of my clients say that they would stop trying to convince their former partner on what's a reasonable way to be co-parenting. They would stop being so defensive in messages. They would stop over explaining, trying to help their partner to get it, whatever the situation might be. They would just simply accept that you know what this is, who this guy is, and I'm just going to stop wasting my time trying to word things in a way that he understands, because I'm accepting that he's just never going to get it. And that realization for so many of my clients is so incredibly powerful that acceptance that you know what. I'm just going to stop doing those things now. I'm going to stop tying myself up in knots over explaining things to this person. That's really powerful. That's a powerful realization. So I invite you to do that, to list behaviors that you would choose, even thoughts that you would choose, if you fully accepted the facts and the reality of the situation, and then do those things as if you already accepted the facts.

Speaker 1: 13:48

Step number six is about imagining, imagining what thoughts you would believe if you genuinely accepted the facts and the reality. So this is really linked in with number five. So we've spoken about what behaviors you would engage in. Number six is about what thoughts would you believe one of the thoughts could be if you were fully accepting of your reality. One of the thoughts could be that you fully accept that nothing you do is going to create long term change in your former partner. That's a powerful thought. I invite you to make space for that thought, to sit with that thought and maybe expand on that with some other thoughts that you would be believing in If you genuinely accepted the facts and the reality of your situation.

Speaker 1: 14:47

Step number seven is about focusing, attending to or focusing on the sensations that you feel in your body whenever you're thinking about the facts of the situation. Where do you feel? Whatever it is in your body, what do they feel like? So, when you're thinking, when you're observing the situation, when you're thinking about the facts of your reality, what sensation do you feel? Do you get a tightness in your chest? Does your heart start beating a little bit faster? Does it become hard to take a full breath? Do you feel sweaty or overheated in some way? Do your thoughts start racing? Do you suddenly, out of nowhere, start feeling really tired and sleepy? So, focusing on the sensations that you feel in your body and focusing on where they're showing up in your body, step number 8 is about allowing, allowing all of the feelings to be there the feelings of disappointment, sadness, grief, anger, rage all of the emotions that arise when you think about, when you acknowledge the facts and the reality of your situation.

Speaker 1: 16:13

This can be a challenging one, and it's still something that I spend time on every now and then as well. I still have moments where I feel a really strong emotion when I think about the reality of my situation, sometimes my current situation but even when I reflect on the reality of the past situations that I have endured, a lot of emotions come up. It can be really tempting to push uncomfortable emotions away. Step number 8 is about allowing those feelings to be there. Can you just let them be there for a minute or two, let yourself feel them, instead of pushing them away Again. Sometimes it might be anger, fury, rage. Other times it might be disappointment, sadness, shame, guilt. Whatever emotion it is that comes up. Allowing those emotions to just simply exist.

Speaker 1: 17:16

Step number nine is about acknowledging Acknowledging that there's still so much for you to look forward to and that life is still absolutely worth living, even when there are situations and circumstances that are upsetting. If you're like my clients, you likely have many other positive aspects to your life that are not intertwined with your ex-partner, and it's important to spend some time focusing on those things, to spend some time thinking about those things, and if you're having trouble thinking of what your positive things are in your life right now, this could be a reminder to you to perhaps do a bit of work in this area. Have you let some friendships fall by the wayside because you've been very caught up in the negatives of what you're experiencing with your separation, divorce or co-parenting journey? Are there people that you could reach out to to catch up, to have a phone call and ask them how they're going To have a coffee, to go out and have lunch with someone? Perhaps Well, maybe it's a family member. Sometimes we can get so caught up in our own experience that we stop asking other people close to us how they are, what's going on for them. A great way to take our mind off what we're going through is to focus our attention on somebody else and to truly listen to what it is that they're telling us, along with acknowledging that life is still worth living, that we've got lots to look forward to.

Speaker 1: 18:55

I've got clients who have spent some time working out what they used to enjoy that they stopped doing either because of the demands of their former partner back when they were still in the relationship, or just simply because they were overwhelmed with what they were experiencing after separation and just didn't have the energy or the other resources to keep going with those things. Choosing to reconnect with things that you're still passionate about or still interested in can be so important on this journey. I've got clients who are learning languages. I've got clients who are making travel plans, clients who have already been overseas, either by themselves or with their children. Clients who are back playing musical instruments that they once really enjoyed playing, taking a painting, other forms of art all kinds of things. All kinds of things are possible. Is there anything that you once enjoyed that you stopped participating in for whatever reason, or is there something that you've always wanted to do that you haven't? Or could you go on a hunt for a new hobby? Maybe you'd like to learn a language, perhaps you'd like to pick up a paintbrush, or maybe it's working in the garden. I've also got clients who are focusing on their health and fitness. I've got clients who are now training to run marathons. I've got clients that have just joined walking groups or a gym. There are all kinds of things that we can do to help bring more meaning and enjoyment back to our life, to help make our life a little bit more three-dimensional and not just focused on whatever it is that we're navigating with our ex.

Speaker 1: 20:49

And step number 10 is about recognizing the pros and the cons. So whenever you find yourself resisting reality and resisting practicing radical acceptance, it can be helpful to list the pros and the cons of acknowledging and accepting the facts. Acknowledging and accepting reality, acknowledging and accepting what is. So what are the pros, the positives, of acknowledging and accepting reality? What are the cons, the negatives, of accepting and acknowledging reality?

Speaker 1: 21:29

Something that I also talk to my clients about, as well as positives and negatives, are benefits and risks. What are the benefits of acknowledging and accepting reality and of practicing radical acceptance, and what are the risks of not practicing radical acceptance? What are the risks of not acknowledging and accepting reality, the facts of the situation that we don't have pair and control over. One of the negatives or the risks that is often identified by my clients when we unpack this in a coaching session is that continually pushing back against reality and resisting doing the work of radical acceptance can ultimately mean that taking positive, forward-moving action steps either takes a lot longer or doesn't happen at all. I've had so many clients tell me that when they started regularly practicing radical acceptance, they finally started making a bit of forward progress, whereas prior to that, they felt that they were just going in circles, doing the same thing again and again and again, each time expecting to get a different result, but really just end up in the same place, whereas by actually accepting the reality and by practicing that radical acceptance, they were choosing different thoughts, which then led to different emotions that then enabled them to take different action steps that then gave them different, better results, and that's powerful.

Speaker 1: 23:10

Something that can help when you're struggling with implementing and practicing radical acceptance is to connect with your why. Why did you leave a controlling, abusive relationship in the first place? Why, I'm guessing it's because you wanted something different and better for your life, and if you share children with your former partner. You want something different, something better for your children. That's a really powerful reason to stop engaging in the same behaviors that you were prior to separation. So, for example, if you're still trying to convince your ex of what it is that they're doing wrong, or continually trying to encourage them to be a reasonable human, over-explaining things again and tying yourself in knots, reflect on the fact that one of the reasons that you likely left was because you wanted something different. You wanted to stop having to tie yourself up in knots. You wanted to stop having to be responsible for the emotions of this other human, your ex, who, as an adult, is responsible really for their own emotions. So connect with that why and use that why to fuel you in your practice of radical acceptance.

Speaker 1: 24:31

Why am I going to practice radical acceptance? Because I don't want to keep doing this same shit every day. I don't want to have to continually give in to this person when they make a demand. I don't want to have to continually defend why I am or am not parenting in a particular way. I want to stop over-explaining when they act all innocent and like they don't really know what they're doing.

Speaker 1: 24:59

If any of this resonates with you, use that to help you with your practice of radical acceptance, with your practice of acknowledging what is, acknowledging reality, acknowledging that you can't change a lot of what's going on, particularly when we're talking about the emotions and the resulting behaviour of your former partner. But what you can do is to focus your thoughts, your emotions and your actions on your side of the street. You can start moving forward positively by accepting what is and considering those action steps that we've covered in today's episode. Now, if this is something that you think you would really benefit from some one-on-one specialist support with, I encourage you to jump onto my website, danielblackcoachingcomau, and book a free discovery call to have a chat with me and learn about whether coaching with me is something that's right for you and your situation. Thanks so much for your time. Talk to you soon.