20. Empty promises: the abusers go-to lie to maintain control

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi everyone, thanks for joining me on this new episode of the post-separation abuse podcast. Prior to recording this episode, I decided that what I wanted to cover was the importance of managing our expectations and radical acceptance when we're navigating separation and divorce and co-parenting with an ex-partner who is controlling or abusive in other ways. But those things are going to have to wait. This episode is inspired by a number of conversations that I've had over the past few weeks with current clients, new clients and clients who have been booking discovery calls to have a chat with me about what it is that they're dealing with. For context, I work with women who are planning separation, who aren't yet sure if separation is right for them, who have recently separated, who are going through the court system or mediation trying to come to an agreement regarding financial matters or parenting matters. People who are right in the thick of the court system, along with people who already have parenting orders and are now trying to somehow navigate co-parenting with someone who is very difficult to co-parent with. That's a fairly broad spectrum of people that I'm working with fairly broad spectrum of circumstances and situations. Today, what I really want to touch on is the challenge when you're making a decision to leave a relationship, particularly if you know or suspect that you're leaving is not going to be received well by your ex-partner. When you're concerned about the reaction from your ex-partner, when you're concerned that maybe you're giving up on the relationship too soon. They can also be concerns about breaking up the family, concerns about harming your kids with separation. All of these things are really valid concerns and they're things that I help my clients to navigate when they're planning their separation and when they're in the early stages of separation, as well as when women chat to me not sure whether separation is really the right thing for them. For so many of the women that I talk to, for so many of the women that I work with, what they're really wanting is not so much separation. They're wanting the control to stop. They're wanting the abuse to stop. The vast majority of my clients would never have left the relationship that they were in if their partner had made a concerted effort a successful effort to stop being controlling, to stop being coercive, to stop abusing them in other ways.

Speaker 1: 2:49

It's common for us to spend a long time in a relationship far longer than what's healthy hoping for change. Added to this, we might have a partner who regularly or semi-regularly makes promises to change, whether that's promises to change controlling or abusive behaviour, or promises to change drinking habits or abusive other substances. Those promises to change are really, really common in the cycle of abuse. That's the way that your ex-partner is bargaining with you and trying to regain control. They want complete control over you. That helps soothe their anxiety. They can also be underlying issues to do with fears of abandonment, fears of rejection a lot of other things underpinning their desire to maintain ultimate control. So promising to change, calming you down, can be part of the abuser's strategy to maintain control, to regain control and to keep you in the relationship.

Speaker 1: 3:54

What can be really hard to accept, to make space for, is the reality that your partner is likely never going to change. In fact, your partner likely has never had any genuine intention to change. If there ever has been an intention, it's likely been brief and the words probably haven't aligned with the behaviour. The desire to change likely hasn't been a priority for your partner. How you would know if it was a priority is because your partner would take steps to seek help To seek help, not from you. You're not the appropriate person to ever support your partner to make these changes because you are the victim of your partner.

Speaker 1: 4:40

If your partner's controlling or abusive. Rather, your partner needs to take responsibility by first acknowledging that there is a problem with the way that they are behaving, acknowledging the harm that their behaviour is causing you, your kids, your family as a whole. Even if your children are not being directly targeted by the abusive or controlling behaviour, the mere fact that your partner is choosing to control and abuse the mother or the other parent of the children is negatively impacting your children. It's really important that you acknowledge that the parent who's behaving in a controlling and abusive way is not a good parent. When you're a good parent, you don't abuse and control the other parent of your children. When you're being controlled or abused in whatever way, shape or form and here I'm talking about financial abuse. So control of money, I'm talking about control of anything and everything within the relationship verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, gaslighting, undermining your reality, persistently exerting power and control over you in order to get their own way All of those sorts of things are abuse and all of those sorts of things negatively impact your children if they're happening to you.

Speaker 1: 6:05

So part of change for the controlling, abusive person needs to also be acknowledging that what they're doing is harming you, harming the children and harming the family, then they need to be taking steps to seek support from an appropriately qualified professional. If there are concerns around mental health, that will likely include them making an appointment with the GP, them having an open and honest conversation with the GP about their behaviour and seeking a referral, perhaps to a psychologist, psychiatrist, another therapist, perhaps getting some support via drug and alcohol counselling. If alcohol or drugs are part of what's going on, investigating and enrolling and participating in something like a men's behaviour change program, these are things that a partner who is committed to changing will do themselves. This is not you investigating these things. This is not you making an appointment for them at the GP.

Speaker 1: 7:07

I'm assuming here that your partner is an adult. I'm assuming that they can function more or less in some way, shape or form in the world. If they're able to buy alcohol, buy drugs, drive a car, hold down a job, participate in society in any way, shape or form, they are absolutely capable of picking up the phone and making an appointment with the GP. They are absolutely capable of googling men's behaviour change programs or dialing the men's helpline, for example. If they're not doing those things.

Speaker 1: 7:41

What that tells you is that change for them is not a priority. What that tells you is that their promises are empty. They have no real desire to change, they have no real intention to change, and this is probably because, deep down, they really don't think they should have to. If we're talking about a male partner, there's probably also a lot of male entitlement underpinning their behaviour, where they actually feel that they have a right to be behaving the way that they're behaving, where they actually feel that they deserve for their female partner to be a servant. For many men, the idea of romantic love is very deeply enmeshed with the idea of their partner also being a servant to them.

Speaker 1: 8:31

So if your partner is promising change but is doing none of the things that I just mentioned, is not taking any proactive steps, then this is where I'm inviting you to make space for the thought and for the reality that they are not going to change, that they have no intention of changing, and that any mention or promises of change are empty and are simply designed to keep you around, to maintain that control over you.

Speaker 1: 9:01

And I know that's hard to hear, it's hard to hear, it's hard to make space for it's hard to acknowledge because, let's be honest, separation is not fun. Separation can be very, very hard and if your partner is controlling or abusive, separation is the right thing to do, particularly if you share children with the person who is controlling or abusive in other ways. If you're wondering whether separation is the right thing for you, if you're in the process of making a plan, if you're still deciding, or if you're in those early stages, wherever you might be in your journey, please know that I'm here to help. This is something that I specialise in, particularly making strategic plans to assist you in achieving the best outcome possible for you and also for your children.

Speaker 1: 9:55

If you share children with your partner and you're able to go onto my website and book a 30-minute free discovery call with me to find out whether working with me to make a plan is the right thing for you, my website is danielblackcoachingcomau. There's a link to my website in the show notes of this podcast episode. If this episode has raised concerns for you, there are also phone numbers in the show notes to 1-800-RESPECT and other services that can help. Thanks so much for your time. I'll talk to you soon.